Just out., April 07, 2000, Page 41, Image 41

GROUPS
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Parents, politics and pals
Rainbow FLAGS
H I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to go
about becoming a foster parent,” says
Daniel Dale, co-founder of Rainbow
FLAGS. “I was wondering who else has tried,
how many more gays, lesbians, bisexuals were
out there?”
Dale did eventually become a foster
parent for the state of Oregon and then
started the group to get information and
find support. The group’s goal is to serve
as a resource for members of the sexual
minorities community who are foster
and/or adoptive parents, as well as those
who may be interested in becoming par­
ents. The mailing list for the 16-month-
old group has grown from five families
to more than 50.
The group has rap sessions, guest
speakers, “baby showers” for new parents
and provides a social time to get to
know other parents while getting infor­
mation and support.
“It’s a lot easier to adopt children
than I thought,” Dale says. “T h at’s basi­
cally the whole reason for starting the
group.”
Dale wants to let folks in his com­
munity know that they can adopt chil­
dren or become foster parents.
“We are trying hard to get that mes­
sage out and find homes for a lot of
these children who are in foster care,”
says Dale, who is currently in the
process of adopting two of his foster sons.
The group meets at 6 p.m. on the second
Tuesday of every month at Metropolitan Com ­
munity Church of Portland, 2400 N.E. Broad­
way. Call (503) 281-8616 for more informa­
tion.
Love Makes a Family
T
ucked away on the second floor of Port­
land’s Union Station is an organization
with a lot of heart. The group’s founder,
Bonnie Tinker, has diligently worked since the
early ’90s to change the way the general public
perceives families. Now her office is the
national headquarters for Love Makes a Family
Inc.
“The right wing was trying to claim the
term family ,” Tinker, a mother of three and
grandmother of two, explains. “Then we real­
ized we had to get out there publicly and say
family and mean a different kind o f family than
they were talking about.”
Love Makes a Family provides advocacy
and resources for sexual minority families. The
group holds monthly support groups for parents
Parenting is tough enough without going it alone;
these groups offer support, advocacy and friendship
by
J o n a t h a n K ipp
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a
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Terry Furman shows off photos of the three children he raised; now he is a facilitator of the
D ad’s Support Group
and children, and plans activities throughout
the year for its members. In addition to general
support, Love Makes a Family is committed to
institutional change and public education sur­
rounding the issues of sexual minority families.
“We want to change the world so people
define their own family,” Tinker says.
Tinker adds that changes at Portland Public
Schools are among the most dramatic since her
organization’s inception. Tinker and her sup­
porters helped lobby for changes in the school
district’s anti-discrimination policies and edu­
cated administrators and teachers about the
importance of being supportive to the children
of sexual minority parents.
“We’re coming to a place where we can
now say to heterosexuals, ‘Do you want your
family defined by the state or do you want your
family defined by love?’ ” Tinker explains.
“When we say ‘Dive makes a family,’ we
mean everyone,” she adds.
Tinker feels gay parents are some of the
best.
“There is a level of awareness of what a
privilege it is to have children and the trust
that is placed in us as parents when we have
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wice a month, 15 or more dads— most of
them gay— meet to offer one another sup­
port. The Dad’s Support Group is part of
the Speak to Your Brothers program organized
by Cascade A ID S Project.
While many fathers in the midst of coming
out don’t find their way to this support group,
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children,” she says. “I see just incredibly good
parenting from sexual minority parents.”
Love Makes a Family is also working
toward a joint venture of sorts with Parents
Anonymous for parents facing challenges with
their children. The support group will be for
sexual minority parents who fear they might
abuse their children and for those “who are
aware that there are challenges in parenting
that might push them into emotional reactions
where parents might not be functioning at the
height of their ability,” Tinker says.
Anyone interested in groups and activities
of Love Makes a Family can reach the organiza­
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others find the group vital to the process. For
some, the group provides more than just sup­
port.
“I come more for the social interaction than
anything else,” says Jeff, a father of two girls.
While some regularly attend the twice-
monthly meetings, others attend for a short
time and then move on. Periodically,
some dads return for what one referred
to as a “recharge.”
The content of each meeting
changes according to the needs of the
group.
“One time an entire meeting was
focused on one man,” another father of
two said. “He wanted to come out to his
kids, but he wasn’t even out to himself
yet.”
While the group may talk over prob­
lems with ex-wives or financial fiascoes,
the group’s emphasis is on the children.
“The kids are an unspoken center,-” a
father of two nearly grown sons says.
“Coming out to your kids is a show
stopper,” he adds, explaining that his
journey has taken him nearly five years,
with his sons’ well-being as his focus.
Mike, a father of two teen-age sons,
sometimes facilitates the meetings.
Divorced for 14 years and out for three
years, Mike clearly values the Dad’s Sup­
port Group and the men that attend.
“1 fought it!” he recalls about his
coming out.
Then he realized that the fight was
“insane’,” and he reached a level of maturity
that finally allowed him to come out.
“Since then, [coming out] is the best thing
I’ve ever done, because this group of men and
the gay men I’ve met have been some of the
most phenomenal people,” Mike adds.
While the Dad’s Support Group wants to
reach out to as many men as possible, the
group clearly is divided over publicizing its
meetings in the mainstream press.
For some dads out there, one man says, the
group’s relative anonymity is the only thing
that gets them through the door. For others
who attend, the issue o f reaching as many
struggling fathers as possible is the focus.
Both sides agree, however, that the number
of men at the support group doesn’t reflect the
number of men with children who are leaving
their marriages and coming out.
“There are so many more,” one dad says.
For additional information about the Dad’s
Support Group, or other Speak to Your Broth­
ers groups, contact Sam at Cascade A ID S Pro­
ject, (503) 223-5907, ext. 233.
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