march 17.2000*
“A charged combination of . »
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bodybuilding and homoeroticism./. " *
Wittily Blended!” f * < 2Q
Mary get your gun
A
Portland man. agonizes over an heirloom firearm
and the conflict between protection and peace
«Sphere was a time when a gun was my clos-
i est friend. I could have been a poster boy
sonal weapon, ready to draw and shoot, Old
West mythical-style, at any infraction of
boundaries. I admire Gandhi. I am attracted to
the Quaker tradition, peace, love and inner
light. I also have a great allegiance to the sys
tem, education, growing public consciousness
and the democratic political process.
There are contradictions. O n one hand,
the scion of an old pioneering family, the
recipient of all the old values that make for
the so-called American spirit of independence,
I believe that my person, my family, my home
are all sacred, and I’ll be damned if anyone is
going to threaten their security. N ot without a
fight, not without somehow making the play
ing field more level.
O n the other hand, I know firearms often
do far more harm than good, that with their
use innocent people frequently suffer, and the
fewer guns in circulation the better. Neverthe-
for the National Rifle Association. This is
8 a difficult admission com ing from a paci
fist, veggie, granola-eating hippie sympathizer.
So an explanation is in order.
My father gave me a gun w hen I was 13. It
| was an old .22 bolt-action rifle with nicks in
the barrel, the wood backing well-worn in
places. It was the first gun he ever owned, pur
chased at the Gascozark G eneral Store with
money earned working on the
McDaniel farm.
A lthough I was less than excit-
^
ed by the offering, the gift of a gun
was a coming-of-age tradition in
our family, so I accepted it, listened
to his safety instructions and took
off into the woods. A fter firing a
couple of badly aimed shots at a lit
tle gray squirrel
high up an oak
tree, 1 returned the
gun to my father.
“D on’t think I’ll
be using it,” I said.
Maybe
dad
BY
could make better
use of it. My father,
an experienced and
■ ■ ■ ■ skillful hunter, and
perhaps in possession of some
i
1
t
unspoken wisdom about his
middle son, graciously took
back the rifle w ithout com
ment.
_
Æ
Some 30 years later, as he
■
I
J k
lay dying, he again offered me
the gun. After all, it was the
r *
first gun he had owned, impor
tant to him and now a family
treasure. This time it was a spe
cial gift. I took it, banishing the
aging piece along with a h an d
ful of tarnished bullets to a
closet.
Two years later 1 took out
the gun, dusted it off, put six
•22 longs in the clip, cocked it
and put it under
less, my agonizing and terrifying personal
the bed. 1 was scared. A n anonymous caller
experience
testifies that, when confronted
was making nightly calls threatening my life.
with the threat of overwhelming personal vio
He graphically described the macabre way he
lence, nothingUdded more to my sense of
would do it. “I know where you live," he had
security than ready access to a gun.
said one night in his gruesome 3 a.m. message.
T he full measure of responsibility for a vio
And I’ll get you.”
lent act lies with its practitioner, not the tar
The phone company was not helpful. T he
get.
N o amount of preparation guarantees safe
police told me they could do nothing.
ty, and paranoia just complicates matters. Still,
“Most of the people who make those
I sometimes wonder whether my response to
threats never carry them through,” the officer
the question of personal protection, and
said, eroding any thought 1 had of official sup
specifically
to gun ownership, has been naive,
port.
a predictable liberal stance, just a tinge out of
But the knowledge th at the gun was nearby
touch with reality.
was very reassuring. Maybe*, just maybe I could
O ne day the threatening calls simply
do something. Perhaps 1 could defend myself.
stopped
coming, so my firearm was never put
I had not thought about this unpleasant
to the test. But 1 learned that there are times
period of my life for some years until recently,
when
neither the police nor laws can protect
when I was vividly rem inded of the experience
me from potential deadly physical assault. I
while talking with another gay man about his
secretly
wonder if my gun-toting friend s .38
new pistol, which he purchased for personal
pistol, safely tucked away and deftly advertised
protection. He was anxious to try it out at a
at the opportune moment, just might be the
firing range the next day, and I was suddenly
best defense.
faced again with my own ambivalence about
self-protection and particularly about gun
■ J acob C lark is a member o f Portland G ay
ownership.
M en Writing. For more information about the
I abhor violence and am appalled at the
group, cad Patrick at (503) 231-8866.
idea of everyone walking around with a per-
JACOB
CLARK
I sometimes wonder whether
m y response to the question
of personal protection, and
specifically to gun ownership,
has been naive, a predictable
liberal stance, just a tinge
out of touch with reality.
- The New Yorker
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