COMMENTARY
BV M arti D a m s
The IN publication for the O UT population
F ounded 1983 • J ay B rown
and
R enée L a C hance
Voi . 17 N o . 8 F e b r u a r y 18, 2 0 0 0
Family fretting
FEATURE
New role as coparent and unfamiliar role as daughter fuel conflicting feelings
CELERRATING OUR NATURAL RESOURCES:
Get inspired by these volunteers who know
something about giving back
pp 1 9 - 2 3
NEWS
NORTHWEST • Oregonians appear disinterested
in national Millennium March; YouthNet
activists gear up for town hall meeting;
Dr. Laura television show headed for Portland;
protesters pop up again at PFLAG meeting;
Pride Northwest leader resigns
pp 7 - 1 1
NATIONAL • Queer medical association seeks
inclusion in Health and Human Services
document; getting the goods on gas companies’
gay-related policies; Vermont House committee
votes to develop gay partnership system rather
than allow same-sex marriage
pp 1 2 - 1 5
W ORLI • International Gay and Lesbian Human
Rights Commission pickets Salvadoran
Consulate in San Francisco; Oxford University
HTV vaccine effort may be on wrong track
9 17
ENTERTAINMENT
& CULTURE
TREATER • Interview with Timothy McCuen
Piggee, star of Portland production of Blues fo r
an Alabam a Sk\
p 31
MUSIC • Marimba mania
p 33
F ILM S - Reviews of Wonder Boys and I ’m Still
H ere...D am n It!
p 35
I
have been writing these commentaries for over a year now and
have been consistently impressed by the restraint shown by the
counselors and therapists within our community.
For many reasons, my emotions have been on an interesting roller
coaster ride of late (though those around me would be questioning as
to just when I’ll be getting to the “up” part of the coaster). Ilie
dynamics of my personal life have changed dramatically. 1 now inter
act with a preteen on an almost daily basis, and on an almost daily
The urge to call up and offer guidance to me must be nearly
basis I don’t know what is the right thing to say or do. I don’t know
overwhelming for some of these people. 1 salute their fortitude
how to be a positive influence. I don’t know how to parent. 1 have
and professional integrity and wish only that long-distance carrier
never been a mother. I fear the complexity. It surely involves far more
salespeople could demonstrate such behavior.
than issuing rules and expectations. How about the expectations oth
Writing these columns actually has proven to be a very enlighten ers have regarding me? How do I meet those?
ing form of self-therapy— a sort of mental masturbation perhaps?
At the same time that I chose to undertake this new ven
After all, isn’t masturbation just arriving at a conclusion by yourself?
ture, I learned that my mother has cancer. This is a per
And while my little forays into deep thought and self-analy
son with whom I do not have a close relationship.
sis have never led me to a place where I put much cre
There is no animosity, no enmity, life just led us in
dence in the concept of reincarnation or past-life
different directions.
regression, recent changes in my personal life have
As with many others, my family of choice has
led me to the conclusion that I was at one time
evolved into my family of significance. Lack of
Attila the Hun.
commonality, lack of interest in explanation,
With a new relationship bringing the intro
lack of God-only-knows-what has frayed away
Just as I have never been a
duction of a child into my life, I find myself
the supposed bonds of family. These bonds
astounded by the attitudes I have toward chil mother, I hove also never been weren’t slashed in anger, nor tom away with dis
dren, behaviors, discipline and the entire struc
a daughter. My fear is that gust; they were simply worn away by disuse and
ture of dining etiquette within our society at
the erosion of disinterest. Just as “don’t ask, don’t
large.
tell” isn’t working in the military, it doesn’t really
I will be neither.
I am a person who seldom eats food unless it is
work with families either.
wrapped in paper or thawed in a microwave, and yet I
And now with the illness of my mother, I find myself in a
find myself now giving dissertations on proper cutlery
position where I feel called upon to fill another role— another role
usage. Whereas my previous knowledge of forks consisted
that is neither familiar nor comfortable. Just as I have never been a
largely of knowing they’re excellent tools for removing cat hair from
mother, I have also never been a daughter. My fear is that 1 will be
the garbage disposal, I now can describe at length their proper grip,
neither. My anxiety is great. I yearn to bolt and run. I fancy late-night
placement and utilization.
escapes to Montana—perhaps a new career as a goat herder.
I can go on at length about the need for a proper bedtime and the
But escape is not an option. Stepping up to my responsibilities is
consequence of building structure and discipline...all this, mind you,
my only choice. Learning to parent is going to be the easier of the two
from a person who has established an entire career and lifestyle based
circumstances that face me. Learning how to be an adult, i.e. parent,
on never having to be anywhere before noon. Some sort of genera-
is hard; coping with the illness is harder. Although I fear that I can’t
tions-old genetic implanting has me saying things that real mothers
be a good daughter, I’m also sure that I can’t be a bad one.
have said forever and ever and ever (or so it seems to the child
involved).
GRUUPS • Greyhound adoption organization
seeks happy homes for retired racers
p 37
DIVERSIONS* Sharon Stone gets naked
with Ellen DeGeneres on HBO; Portland
International Film Festival offers two queer-
themed pics
p 38
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