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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (April 16, 1999)
apri) 16. 1999 * Just out 45 Sissyboy It’s time to reclaim that sweet, queeny little boy that society killed Afaut A f O * 9 HAl N 9 STAMP? F A X your ad to 236-1257 here is a scene in the very brilliant movie The Opposite of Sex, when the narration «... flashes back to the childhood of one of the characters. It looks like we’re watch ing old home movies and Tom is about 6 years old. He’s playing dress-up with his sisters. They have adorned him in a fun little number— beaded flapper dress, costume jewelry, wig and makeup. The dad happens upon this trio and turns his wrath on little Tom, grabbing him by the arms and spanking him wildly. His spanking is just one example of the kind of trauma that can start the sissyboy con flict. This conflict arises because par ents raise young gay guys to be het erosexuals. The very essence of gay boys is often sensitivity, creativ ity and feminine play; an eccentric mix of boy-girl stuff. Herein lies the primary problem: Society values mascu line traits and mannerisms over fem inine ones. One’s deviation from the masculine norms is seen as an affront to the image dad has of “his” son. Have you ever heard “I’m gonna make you into a man if it kills you” ? This is the attitude that many fathers and mothers have. This attitude may, in fact, end up killing their gay son. So how does the sissyboy conflict emerge? The primary conflict starts with a traumatic incident, when the hoy realizes it is not OK to be himself. This boy understands that when he acts like himself by showing feminine qualities he is given a negative response from parents, family and peers. A splintering effect occurs in the boy and, in essence, he creates a new self. This new self is more to the liking of his parents and peers. The boy puts away his true gay self to live in a hid den basement of his con sciousness. Some young gay boys become depressed, anxious or isolated. Others have better coping skills and adapt to the expectations of the masculine society. The sissyboy conflict plays out in the daily lives of gay men. 1 ran into a friend from col lege at a local bar. He is a very nice looking, well-built young man. He stated that while liv ing in Los Angeles he was taking a class to become more masculine. “It actually works,” he *®id- “1 am becoming less queeny.” I responded, *° his dismay, that 1 was encouraging my femi nine side to come out more— finding my inner queen,” so to speak. Olympic skater Brian Orser told The Ottawa Sun: “Although I' m gay, I’m definitely a man on the ice.” Elvis Stoijko commented: “Brian never skated soft, he is masculine in his skat ing, he skates male and I respect that a lot.” Why does Orser have to justify his skating now that he’s been outed? Why can’t it just be his individual style of skating, masculine or not? To me, this screams sissyboy conflict: Orser feeling shame about his wonderful feminine qualities and choosing to justify them to the world. The splintering of the self between the authentic gay boy and the mas culinized boy damages the health of gay men. Reaching adulthcxxi, most gay men go through the coming out process. In doing so, many feel shame, guilt, or feelings that they are somehow strange or bad. These men need to cope and deal with these feelings. Many turn to drugs, alcohol, or multiple sex partners to help deal with the conflict inside. Until gay men really deal with this conflict, they will continue to have unresolved and con flicted feelings. One way to overcome the sissy boy conflict is to discover your authentic self. Part of your authentic self is the 6-year-old boy in his headed gown. Your authentic self may also be the part of you you’re ashamed of and don’t want any one else to s^e or hear. Your authentic self also includes your creativity, spirituali ty, sexuality and physi- cality. Discovering your authentic self is difficult because your hurt and pain tells you, “If you act real, you will be hurt again.” You are an adult now and you can pro tect yourself from being hurt. You do not need to let your parents belittle you anymore. You have choices. You may continue to use drugs, alcohol and sex to cover the pain or you can choose to seek out counseling, Alcoholics Anonymous and other ways to heal. Being the tough guy society needs is not about the tmek you drive, or how much muscle you have. Being really tough is confronting your own true self and healing the pain that holds you hostage. ■ DEAN SlDWELL is a mental health counselor and works m HIV prevention. O u t W ord is written by members of Portland Gay Men Writing. Writers interested in contribut ing should call Alan or Geoffrey at 22.T5907. 4 ? N9 peo&tew/ a m "ii,* or E -M A IL it to justout@ justout.com W /jfahk I or P H O N E 236-1252 between 10 a.m and 4 p.m. *: . A n d if you find that S T A M P , m ail your ad to P.O. B o x 14400, Portland, O R 9729 3 -0 4 00 Portland Lesbian Choir in Concert Saturday, M ay 15, 8 pm Trinity United Methodist Church, 39th and S.E. Steele Tickets $12 Available at It's M y Pleasure, and from Choir Members Party and Dance to Follow Free Parking (S • ASL Interpreted for deaf and hard-of-hearing patrons • Free child care >/ FFI: (503)241-8994 i c >st c l rci r r i c i t ic * dining space