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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Sept. 5, 1997)
ju s t o u t ▼ so p tsm b o r 5 . 1 9 9 7 ▼ 31 C raftin g fath erh ood , Explore ijour w v in w soditi)! , A young gay man devoted to his infant daughter contemplates the unknown land of the nontraditional family ▼ by Paul Hatton Tiffany Limousine Paul and Teresa Hatton have to pay Carrie anything. I asked the law yer if carefully open the door to the hospital there was a fixed percentage. She told me what it room, not really knowing what waits for was, and I decided to use that to personally pro me inside. A dim light filters through the vide support for Carrie. curtained windows, and I can see Carrie, in I was a junior in high school when Teresa was bed, holding our daughter. I give Jeff the bom. OK to come in and we enter together, walking to Carrie had already graduated and had a full time job with a florist. It was difficult to see them the bed. Carrie is fully awake and flashes her during the school year, but 1 tried my best to see furious glare first at Jeff and then at me. Maybe he both of them often. Carrie and 1 remained friends, should leave. He gets the hint. and I am very grateful for that. It was especially C arrie still w asn’t too com fortable being hard on her, losing her “now gay” boyfriend and having to live with her parents. Teresa grew up so fast. Soon after her first birthday I left for college, three hours away. I was — lucky if I saw Teresa once a month. By the time I came home and was able to spend time with her, she was talking. We hold conversations; she cries, around my boyfriend. Especially at a time like says “N o !” when I don’t push her on the swing set. that, right after our daughter had been bom. My And, due to her m other’s training using an old daughter, Teresa. Only hours old and Carrie asks photograph o f me, she calls me Daddy. O r Paul. me to hold her! Oh, I cannot, what if I squeeze too She calls me either. hard? W hat if I drop her? But I wonder what our future holds. Carrie is Carrie asks me why I brought Jeff. I tell her 1 engaged now— eventually Teresa may have three wanted to. I was 16, and thinking back, I realize fathers and one mother. Will she accept it? What that probably w asn’t the best o f answers. But I will her friends in school say when she tells them was so terribly confused. In my arms 1 held a her father is gay? W ill they tease her? Will they child. A child I helped to create, a being I gave life call her a lesbian? And if so, will she regret having to. She was a part o f me. told them? 1 met Carrie in the ninth grade. We became It’s scary, living as a gay father— and one so good friends, talked on the phone a lot, wrote lots young. I have matured quite a bit during the past o f little cutesy notes back and forth and grew two years, but it still amazes me that I have a child. closer. I knew I was gay, but I "asked her out,” That I took on such a responsibility. thinking it was the right thing to do. Thoughts like these are a daily issue for me. I tried very hard to enjoy m yself— I tried for Always wondering, always hoping, but never two years. Things just didn’t feel right. I would regretting. If I could go back in time I w ouldn’t catch m yself watching cute boys, wondering what have done anything differently, really. Teresa is it would be like to be with them. But I didn’t dare wonderful, and she is my daughter. leave her— she loved me too much, and I couldn’t I know that in time, when Teresa can under bear the thought o f hurting her. So I stayed. stand, things will be fine between us. I will always O ne day she came over to my house. We sat in be there for her no matter what happens. And my room and talked. She said, “I need to tell you although I may feel like just a father “figure” at something,” and I could tell something was wrong. times, we will both always know that I am her Jokingly, I said, “W hat, are you pregnant?” She father. looked down at the floor, and I knew. Her gay father. The two years since then have been really tough. W hen Teresa was bom, I got a job at a local Paul Hatton is an 18-year-old clarinet miniature golf course. My parents and I consulted major at James Madison University in Virginia. our lawyer regarding child support. Because I His work is distributed by the Rainbow Writers was so young and would not be able to work full Group, a syndicate o f young queer writers. time, I did not make enough money to legally 1 on til 235-2341 • Airport transfers by sedan or limousine • Limousines to accommodate 10 passengers • Chauffeured vans and buses available for large groups • Call Tiffany for your Commitment Ceremony, family celebrations, out-of-town guests and all special occasions The Perfect Limousine for Every Occasion Richard looked first at the Mexican torta and baked stuffed avocado before deciding on the prawn enchilada which made him think of the first time he tasted fresh-off-the- boat seafood while traveling through Mexico with that loser of an ex-boyfriend. Chez Grill Taste 2229 SE the S o u t h w e s t Hawthorne • in Portland, the OR • S o u t h e a s t . 503.239.4002