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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (March 21, 1997)
34 ▼ m arch 2 1 , 1997 ▼ ju st out M artha S tewart I s D ead The empress of elegance has abdicated the mantle of the elite and set up shop at Kmart T by Gary Horn ome, my brothers and sisters. Let us gather together in a prearranged, hand- stenciled nam e-tagged circle and mourn the passing o f an icon. Let us dim the lights we rewired ourselves and light a home-dipped beeswax candle. Let us fill our crystal goblets with a fine Chardonnay, squeezed from the vineyards so carefully tended in our spare time betw een appearances on Good Morning America. Let us bow our heads for a precise moment o f silence in deference to the passing o f that paragon o f fine living, Martha Stewart. O f course her body lives and breathes still, but her spirit— her essence o f all that is gracious in the home, her irreplaceable talent for perfectness— is dead. M artha Stew art’s gracious living has been forever tarnished. By Kmart. Please, I know it’s difficult to believe. W e’ve all salivated surreptitiously over each fashion ably printed page o f her books and magazines, wanting, needing to display just a fraction o f her decorating genius in our own homes. Oh, I know it’s difficult for any self-respecting homosexual C REPORT H0M0PH0RIC VIOLENCE back yard. She presided over a new line o f “every day accessories” in the home living department o f... (choke)... Kmart. Oh, granted, Kmart has toiled endlessly to upgrade its image, to join the ranks o f retailing respectability. But some things were just never meant to be. Would you sell Dom Perignon from a Pepsi machine? Would you peddle Rolls Royces from a Chrysler-Hyundai dealership? Even Jesus himself said, “Would you cast pearls before swine?” No. There was, and always should be, a distinction between “everyday living” and “gracious living.” Martha has abandoned us for the masses. One cannot blame Kmart for wanting to join the socially acceptable. Dare I speak ill of the dearly departed, I must cast blame on Martha herself. I began to worry months, even years ago, as she expanded her fine living empire, cornering every media segment with furor and carefully crafted homemade steps. Even her business savvy had flair. She conquered television after success fully burying her neighbors in “I’ll-tape-where-I- please” mulch. She increased circulation o f her magazine, sold books, became a regular colum WE REPLACE WINDOWS Now you can replace your old windows with new vinyl custom fit insulated windows. Your new windows will keep your home warmer in winter, cooler in summer, reduce condensation and sound proof your home. We also have storm windows and doors. 20 years of experience in the same location makes us one of Portland's most experienced window companies. Visit our showroom or call today for a courteous in- home estimate. 283-9481 G a rla n d H o m e r Owner INSULATED W INDOW Oregon BB # 19095 C O R P O R A T I O N 812 4 N. 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The sight was devastating. I dabbed away the tears with my hanky, fashioned from an heirloom quilt, and searched in vain for the organic aspirin I’d w hipped up from M artha’s own recipe. Anything to ease the pain o f that discovery. For there, on the cover o f a recent Sunday Kmart circular, stood M artha, beaming as if she had just discovered an easy way to carve the Italian marble she mined herself from her own nist in the newspaper section that only the devoted would read religiously. W here did she find the time to do everything, and so well, too? That was her magic. Her art. Her demeanor. But Martha went too far. Perhaps she didn’t get enough sleep. I should have seen it coming. I should have prepared myself more. Maybe it was denial. Maybe it was a stubborn disbelief that the nonpareil o f style would ever make such a heart-wrenching business decision, resulting unexpectedly in her own marketing death. I’ll never know. Will our M artha’s passing be the birth o f a new decor queen for the have-nots? Will trailer parks all across the fringes o f suburban America sud denly display some sense of good living aw are ness? Will the new “com m on” Martha indeed elevate Kmart to a minimally passable retailing level, akin to Target or Sears? Perhaps our loss is bulk Am erica’s gain. For even the slightest eleva tion o f the masses surely benefits us all. We will miss you, Martha. We will miss your energy. Your presence. Your ceaseless ability to make it all look so simple, yet so elegant. This moment is yours, Ms. Stewart. Will there be a television special on how to exit fine living gra ciously?