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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 7, 1997)
ju s t out ▼ fe b ruary 7, 1907 V 21 THIS THING CALLED our friend from the office finally agreed to come to one of your parties. Now you get to introduce her to the one you love. “Hi. I’d like you to meet my partner—no, that sounds like we own a business together. Really, this is my lover—but sex is only a small part of our relationship,” you babble. “Meet my spouse. Oh, that just sounds silly.” By the time you finish the introduction, the party’s over. As you pick a strawberry from the fruit tray off your white carpet, you decide there has to be a way to describe the one who means so much to you that is both appropriate and accurate. Perhaps there is no one right answer to the question of what the person with whom you spend your life is called, but almost everyone has an opinion. Author and syndicated columnist Leslda Newman, who wrote the children’s book Heather Has Two Mommies and edited the more recent collection of poetry entitled My The phrase Lover Is a Woman, “longtime said she seldom uses the term lover. companion” “It sounds like all and words like we do is have sex, and friend or while of course that’s roommate often part of our relationship it’s much more than don*t fully that,” Newman said. explain the She said she does relationship. n’t use partner because it sounds too busi nesslike, but she sometimes uses spouse when around straight people. “I tend to say girlfriend around lesbians because I like the friendliness of the word and everyone knows what it means,” she said. Newman, though, has chosen another term that better fits her situation. “My word of choice is really ‘butch,’ as in ‘This is my butch.’ That just about sums it up,” she said. Merle Yost, an author and private practice psychotherapist in Oakland, Calif., said he calls the object of his affection his partner. “In my practice, I am finding that partner is becoming a term that is used by couples of dif ferent orientations,” he said. “I believe that partner is the term that is beginning to be used by people to describe all unmarried relation ships.” He knows the term has problems, but he still prefers it. “While partner has a business tone, it is more inclusive of all the parts of the relation ship,” Yost said. San Francisco Chronicle reporter David Tuller said he used the term mate for his signif L©VE Y Lover, Partner, Friend? , Even if we win the right to legally marry we still won’t know what to call the one we spend our life with by Gip Plaster icant other, who died last year. He said he believes the term lover is passing from the scene and that a companion sounds like some thing people have when they are old. “There’s not really a good word to use,” Tuller said. “Spouse seems strange. Husband seems forced in some way. Life partner is sort of pretentious.” Some couples use the term co-husband or co wife to stress the equality of their relationship, while some same-gender couples are comfortable with the straight role titles “husband” and “wife.” WE REPLACE WINDOWS Now you can replace your old windows with new vinyl custom fit insulated ler windows. Your new windows will keep your home warmer in winter, cooler in summer, reduce condensation and sound proof your home. We also ha ave storm windows and doors. rience in the same location makes us 20 years of experience one ! of Portland's most experienced window companies. Visit our showroom or call today for a courteous in- home estimate. -9481 INSULATED WINDOW C O R P O R A T I O N G arlan d H o m e r Owner Oregon BB « 19095 8 1 2 4 N . D enver The phrase “longtime companion” and words like friend or roommate often don’t fully explain the relationship. “Significant other” or “other half’ are convenient terms, but again they often don’t provide an accurate picture of the relationship to which they refer. “Partner” or “life partner” is the choice of about a third of women and a slightly smaller percentage of men, according to one survey. Conducted in 1988 by Partners Task Force for Lesbian and Gay Couples, the survey found that 30 percent of women and 40 percent of men use Ml Cod’s Children the term lover. Only 1 percent of the men and women who responded used the terms husband or wife. But that was in 1988. “Our survey is the most extensive ever done specifically on same-sex couples, and it has been only six years since it was published,” said Damian, task force co-director. “Cultures usual ly don’t change that fast—fads perhaps, but cul tures take more time.” The terms people use seem to vary by social setting, Damian said. He also said some things may have changed since the survey. “I would be inclined to think, anecdotally, that these days there seem to be more men who call their partners husband—under certain cir cumstances,” he said. “I have not heard les bians use the term wife as much, perhaps because of the second-class position it has in our culture.” When lesbian or gay couples decide to hold a ceremony to publicly acknowledge their rela tionship, it creates a whole new set of lan “Significant guage problems. other ” or Ceremonies once called holy unions or “other h a ir are convenient commitment ceremonies are now often called terms , but marriages. again they “I believe we are often don 7 pro adopting the relation ship language of our vide an accu and society,” rate picture of parents Yost said. the relationship Tuller said the term marriage is often to which they used in quotation marks refer. to perhaps show the incompleteness or inac curacy of the term. He adds that the whole issue of terms for same-gender relationships is a “moving target” and something with which soci ety is “struggling.” Margarethe Cammermeyer, the colonel who was discharged from the military for admitting she is a lesbian, is in a committed relationship, so she has an opinion on this issue too. “Among gay and lesbian couples, the term marriage is often used to imply a committed relationship but it lacks legal and social legit imization,” she said. In referring to her partner, she said the lan guage simply fails her. “My partner and I have a committed, loving, caring and devoted relationship which surpasses any single word created by a society afraid to acknowledge difference.” Maybe that is the answer. The language’s relationship words simply don’t do a very good job of adapting to couples for whom they weren’t designed. But that won’t help much at your next party. PCC Cascades Terrell Hall Rm 122 7-9pm February 18, 1997 Followed by a panel discussion Free Sponsored by DMrrflWNPSp^^ A Documentary featuring Rev. Jesse Jackson Cornel West Sen. Carol Mosely-Braun Phlll Wilson and Congresswoman Maxine Waters speaking out on Black lesbian and gays The Urban L a a fa a at Portland Portland Community Collas«