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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (April 7, 1995)
18 ▼ april 7. 1O0S ▼ ju s t o ut MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY Continued from previous page “We live in Montclair, which l refer to as the gay and lesbian parenting capital of New Jersey. We looked for a location where other gay and lesbian people live, where our family would fit in and we would feel comfortable. This town is per fect for us. The schools are great. They have and talk about gay and lesbian families. The town prides itself on accepting people of all different walks of life. It had the first integrated YWCA in the country. It’s racially and economically mixed. The public schools are integrated in magnets to attract whatever the interest is and then kids are bussed from where they live to their magnet school. Many interracial families live here because they find it to be a welcoming town. It’s beautiful and friendly and progressive and wonderful. It’s about a half-hour commute from New York City. We love it here.” ndy, 33, lives in suburban Maryland with his 6-year-old son Benjamin. We spoke by phone: “There is no support group here for me—a single, white gay man who has transracially adopted a multiracial child. "Benjamin is African American, Mexican and white. There’s a lot more work that has to be done because we are a transracial family: providing African American, female, Latino, role models in a natural setting. So I moved to Maryland because it is fairly integrated economically, socially and racially. We live in a multiracial neighborhood. There are many arguments for and against transracial adoption. I work in Equal Employment Opportunity. Some co-workers are against it. I respect their opinions. I just clearly don’t agree. Is Benjamin going to grow up thinking that he’s white? I don’t know. Am I doing the right thing today? I’m never going to know until he’s 50 years old and has kids of his own. “Because he’s not dumb, he figured out early on that we’re different colors. At the age of 3 we were talking about adoption and forever parents and birth parents. He has a very broad view of family structures, family options: two mothers, two fathers, interracial, same race, adoptive, nonadoptive. He’s comfortable with it. “I think the reasons for being a parent as a gay man arc the same to some degree as for a hetero sexual, although it is clearly more intentional. We don’t get pregnant by accident. Every child we have is a wanted child. I used to think as a gay man I could not be a parent. I went into teaching instead. I started hearing of isolated cases of lesbian and gay parents. I had traveled the world. I had a master’s degree. I was ready to settle down. A kid and picket fence were part of that. “I moved to New York and became involved in a gay and lesbian parent group called Centerkids. The group has grown to over 2,000 families. My social worker had worked with many other lesbian and gay households. I was thinking of adopting a 3- to 5-year-old. I thought no one would place a baby with a single man, so l had never consciously allowed myself to want a baby. I pretty much choked on my breakfast when I was offered a newborn. I had to decide in an instant. “I was 27 and Benjamin was 7 weeks old when he came home. He was eight weeks premature. The social worker remembered that I had a background in special education and thought I would be a good placement for him. I had not spent any time with babies, nor changed a diaper. Hey, I can change a diaper faster than anybody now. I did cloth diapers. I made his organic baby food. He is very healthy. I strongly feel his vegetarian diet has made a difference. His language is about a year and a half above age level. Because I am single he goes everywhere with me, so his social skills are great. “It is difficult to be a single parent. I don’t know how I do it. There’s no time to obsess on ‘how do l get through the day?’ Well, right now. I’ve just got to make four peanut butter and jelly sand wiches. And then I do what’s next. There are days when I feel if I have to make one more damn peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I’m gonna scream— and I scream, and then I just pack the rest of the lunch. A From left: Scott, Kati, Fritz and Tim riding the train Benjamin is 6. He’s arrogant, he’s obstinate, he’s uncooperative, he’s being what a 6-year-old is. We probably have the typical fights, the typical cuddly moments, of any other parent and child. I think any struggles I have are not gay-related. They’re single- parent issues and issues any other parent deals with. “My house looks like Grace Under Fire—a complete mess. She’s my hero at the moment. I live in an apartment. I don’t own it. I don’t live in the chi-chi gay neighborhood, and I have no desire to. I would rather be involved in things like ACT UP and Queer Nation. We have been to protests and pride day and lots of demonstrations for women’s rights. Dating is not relevant any more. Here in the D.C. area, gay men seem to be scared off. They don’t want anything that’s going to hinder their lifestyle. Kids will. When I meet men, Benjamin goes on the first date. I let him screen my dates. It’s a package deal, and right now Benjamin is the first priority in my life. If I have to be a parent to some man, that ain’t what I’m looking for. Ideally, l would like to find another single father. That way I’d get my second child and somebody to be partners with.” am Elwonger, 42, lives with his partner in Seattle. Their adopted son Ricardo, 23, lives on disability in his own rented apartment. Ricardo was 8 years old when he joined the family. He had fetal alcohol syndrome, severe neurologi cal challenges, and deprivation is sues. Both fathers are white. Ricardo is of Venezuelan and white ancestry. Sam was formerly a pub lic defender in juvenile court. He now teaches AIDS prevention to at-risk youth. His partner is a school administrator. Family income is described as “never enough, but it looks good on paper.” “Being a parent forces you to heal or grow through things in your own life,” Sam reflected. “I wanted this ordidn’t get that from my parents, and now I’m the one who has to provide those things to this little kid. It’s like a second growing up for yourself, but you’re also responsible for that little kid. I think that’s what we wanted and that’s what we got. It’s important to set the criteria for yourself about what matters when adopting a child. We had all kinds of therapy for our child. He did great. “People should be clear before they dive into this. We realized that the piano lessons and trumpet lessons and dance lessons were not going to pro duce a world-class artist. There are so many chil dren whose lives have been disrupted by abuse. They need to be adopted. Often there’s a bias where gay parents are matched with those kids S doesn’t matter if you have one parent or two or three, or straight or gay or all men or all women or a combination, or blood-related to the children. What really matters is the quality of the parenting— that the grown-ups in the family are in fact grown ups and spend a lot of time and effort in making sure that the children in their charge are getting their needs met for their development. “There are some very good practical aspects to having three parents. The kids get more time with grown-ups and the grown-ups have more time to erry McKeon lives in a suburban town on the themselves. We don’t have to rely on babysitters. East Coast with his biological children The drawback is that three people have to make through alternative insemination— Emma, decisions on everything. It’s a nice way of having 5, and girl/boy twins Kate and Jordan, 3—their kids. This family is about making our dreams come biological mother, Anne Quinn, and her partner, true. In many ways, it has. But I advise people Joyce Weeg. Each of the three parents is white. considering this to think of the worst-case sce Together they are a middle-income family. “Being nario. You need to have a certain stamina and a co-parent means having an investment in each other’s lives and each other’s dreams,” Terry said. maturity, or it can become a nightmare.” “So Anne and l spent some time together. We tried to get to know each other and to think about all the im Lyman, 57, and his partner of 12 years things that could happen with us in the future. We share their home in Northeast Portland with became housemates. We looked very much like a foster children. Their current foster child is 17 straight couple. We were both single. Straight and gay. He was placed in this gay home after a people in our lives became very supportive, be heterosexual foster father rejected him for being cause it looked like we were going to cure each gay. Jim had four children from a previous hetero other of our homosexuality. People see what they sexual marriage. The youngest is 26. He has four want to see. granddaughters. Jim commented, “Gay people are “There are many issues that people have to be considered misfits. That makes us uniquely quali aware of before they decide to become parents— fied to deal with foster kids who are also consid your own set of values, issues concerning disci ered misfits. I would encourage lesbians and gay men to give serious thought to taking young people into their homes. You can request that they be gay or lesbian.” Jim is white. His partner is from the Philippines. Their foster son is white. “The strong need to be of value to other humans is really present in both of us. We’ve been helping some boys in the Philippines to go to college. Hopefully they’ll be able to break out of their cycle of poverty. After hearing about so many young people here, particularly gay people, who were being thrown out of pline and religion, nutrition, education, even the their homes or having incredible problems on the way a child should wear her hair. There are so streets— the triple teenage suicide rates of lesbian many opportunities for conflict or disagreement. and gay youth—we decided to concentrate on that. We agreed about the big things. We were pretty We came up with a verbal foster care bill of rights. happy. A year after the twins were bom, Anne met We tell the young person, here are your rights: Joyce. • You will have your own private room, into “Things fell apart between me and my family of which no one may come without knocking. origin when Joyce came. We looked like a very • Nobody will go through your stuff. unusual, nontraditional family and they couldn’t • Your friends may come here. You must be deal with it. I have lost contact with most of them. responsible for them. Anne’s and Joyce’s families have been wonderful. • No one is going to touch you inappropriately. “My kids consider themselves to have three • No one is going to walk in on you in the parents—two mommies and a daddy. We comple bathroom, or invade your privacy. ment each other wel l. A fami ly i s not de fi ned by the • We establish an allowance of $20 per week. If number of people or the gender of those people. It you don’t smoke, it goes up 50 percent immedi- unless we specify otherwise. It’s a real calling. You don’t want to accidentally do that. Gay and lesbian people can be incredibly nurturing. When that drive matches up with a need of those kids and it’s a great thing. Ricardo is in a long-term relation ship with a woman who has some disabilities of her own. They’re made for each other and it’s work ing. We’re pleased. We consider it a very success ful adoption.” T J “What really matters is the quality of the parenting—that the grown-ups in the family are in fact grown-ups and spend a lot of time and effort in making sure that the children in their charge are getting their needs met for their development. ”