Just out., June 01, 1992, Page 21, Image 21

ju st out ▼ ju n 0 1992 W 21
I'm a DAD!
by Marilyn Davis
Families are growing and changing . This new baby has four loving, committed parents
hen Charles opens the door he’s
a little breathless. “Sorry
everything’s such a mess,” he
says, pushing a stroller out of
the path. “The baby just left.’
Charles’s daughter is four and a half months old.
And, right now at least, she is the center of life for
her family of loving parents-all four of them.
Charles is a gay man who has chosen to be the
biological fa­
ther, and the des­
ignated “dad,”
for this baby.
The birth mother
is a lesbian and
Charles’s good
friend. Both
mom and dad
have committed
relationships with partners who arc also very
much apart of their baby’s life. “All of us felt that
we had a lot to offer,” says Charles. “We had a lot
in our hearts to give this child. I think she’s
fortunate to have us, as fortunate as we are to have
her.”
Since he was in his late twenties, Charles has
wanted to be a father. In fact when he made the
decision to be honest about his sexuality, he
assumed being gay meant giving up his dream of
fatherhood, and that was hard. “I felt a great loss
around not being able to have children. One of my
fears was that I wasn’t going to experience that
piece of my life.” For several years he was happy
being out and experimenting with his exciting
new life, and fatherhood didn’t seem too impor­
tant. As he began to get older, Charles says, “It
was there again, the feeling that life has more to it
than just being the center of the universe. There
came a time when I felt like I had done the
groundwork for something, and I didn’t know at
first what I was supposed to do with it.” Then
Charles met his daughter’s mother, and they be­
came friends. As they got to know each other they
discovered that they shared a desire to have chil­
dren. “One day she asked me if we could talk
seriously about having a baby. I was excited.”
Several years later the serious talks and care­
ful preparation turned towards action and com­
mitment, and four good friends became a family.
W
“We probably overprocessed this, if that’s pos­
sible. We wanted to make sure we knew what we
were doing and what kind of a life we were going
to offer this child. We decided to identify my
daughter’s mother and myself as the primary
parents. We wanted her to grow up knowing she
has a mom and a dad. She also has mom’s partner
and dad’s partner, who are her parents too."
Both Charles’s partner and mom’s partner
went through Lamaze classes, and were “some­
what prepared” for the experience of sharing in
the birth. All four parents, mom’s partner’s
teenaged children, and two other friends of mom’s
gathered in a birthing room at the hospital to
welcome the baby. “Mom’s partner and I did all
the coaching and were the first ones to welcome
our daughter and hold her when she arrived.
Right after the birth we had the baby with us in the
room for about an hour; they dimmed the lights
and it was all quiet and wonderful. We gave her
her first bath and then took her to her little bed. I
was so pleased and appreciative that my daughter’s
mother wanted me to be a part of that process. I
tried not to push on any of those issues; I tried to
respect her primary relationship with her partner;
but it was something I told her I just didn’t want
to miss. It was the biggest miracle I’ve ever seen
in my life. To suddenly be introduced to this child
in the first milliseconds of her life was a miracle
for all of us.
After the high of his daughter’s birth, Charles
admits that there have been difficult moments too.
He remembers “from a feelings place” how hard
it was to leave his daughter at her mother’s house
after driving them home from the hospital. Even
though they had talked about how the baby would
spend the first few months at home with her
mother, he wasn’t prepared for the pain of being
separated from her. “That’s part of what we’ve
gotten ourselves into; I can’t be there whenever I
want to. Itcontinues to be difficult. I’m trying not
to feel bad when I’m with my daughter, and
perhaps I even don’t allow myself to be totally
with her for fear of having to deal with the
separation later.” In fact, it’s getting easier to
adjust to the baby’s coming and going, and Charles
knows, that as she gets older, he’ll be able to have
her with him more. “Even now I can go over and
put her to bed if I want to. Her mom’s brought her
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over without being bathed in the morning so that
I can bathe her here. She loves her bath. To see
her kicking around in the water at three weeks of
age was really important to me. Changing her is
even a pleasure because it’s a time when I can
giggle and talk with her and take care of her needs
at the same time. My partner and I bottle feed her
during the day while her mother is at work. She
gives you an incredible look when she sees that
you’re supplying this sustenance for her.”
Charles is also learning that the relationship
between a child and a father takes effort, and it
doesn’t happen immediately. "There’s more con­
nectedness between a child and a mom long
before the child is out in the world. Being a dad,
of course, 1 couldn’t experience that. I feel like I
have to catch up, and it’s been a struggle.”
“I anticipated for nine months what it would
be like and honestly, (I don’t know if this is a male
thing) it wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be.
I thought I would be instantly in love; that this new
being would be everything in my world, and I
realized that it just wasn’t true-maybe because of
my age, and the amount of self-indulgence that
I’ve experienced in my life as a male with the
freedom society gives men. I’ve directed my own
course in life for 37 years. Now suddenly, I’m
struggling with responsibility and sometimes 1
view that responsibility as a loss of freedom. It’s
all about learning how to readjust who I am to
accommodate this new life. I try not to jump to the
conclusion that this is how life will always be
based on what I see today. I do rely on time to be
a determining factor in how things play out.”
When Charles called his parents to tell them
the news, they were surprised, a little confused
and thrilled to be grandparents again. That night
they broke open a bottle of champagne to toast the
baby. “I don’t know if they’ve adjusted to it
completely, but they made a decision to be posi­
tive and to ply this child with lots of love, just like
all their other grandchildren. They respect our
family and treat it as a family.”
Charles speaks of his partner’s role in this
family with love and gratitude, and perhaps a new
measure of appreciation. “In terms of nurturing
and comforting and carctaking, he is the best. He
probably adapted to the day-to-day basics easier
than I did. He’s been very good at it; I’m very
impressed. It’s made the whole thing so much
easier.”
Charles’s new life as a father has brought new
challenges and enormous pleasures. “We have a
long way to go with figuring out how it all works,”
hesays. "Ihopelcan figure it out sooner than later
so I don’t miss anything along the way. My
daughter’s life unfolds every day. Last week she
held her bottle for the first time and I was ecstatic;
I was totally in love with this child all over again
because she had done something so spectacular. I
knew she was the greatest thing on earth."
Epilogue
Since Charles was interviewed for this article,
friends of his have received a violent death threat
from a hate group. As a result, all of us involved
in this article have decided to identify Charles by
his first name only. We feel that his safety and the
safety of his family must be our prime concern.
Violence and hale crimes against gay men and
lesbians are escalating around the country and
coming out in big numbers is the best weapon we
have to stop the violence. When the violence and
threats endanger our children, the choice to come
out is no choice.
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