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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Oct. 1, 1990)
PROGRESSIVE SECURITIES Surviving the vicious cycle of shame There is a way out Financial Services Corporation B___Y D R . E X E L what we experience as our basic worthlessness and inadequacy. The problem is that is no one can “see” us, no one can love us with the unconditional love ohn called me from the hospital. He had we all crave. So we become more and more taken an overdose of sleeping pills, but friends had found him in time. “I decided I just isolated, separated from others by a wall of shame. wasn’t worth it,” he said. Unable to break out of the prison of self- When I asked him what had brought these isolation, many of us have pursued compulsive/ feelings up, he told me what had happened. addictive behaviors that have given us After being “clean and sober” for two years, he temporary relief. Compulsive sex, habitual use had fallen. He did drugs, and he felt defeated of chugs and alcohol, and other compulsive and despondent about his life. patterns of behavior lessened the pain of Was this one fall off the wagon enough to isolation and often created a false sense of explain John’s self-destructiveness? No. The camaraderie as we associated with others who self-destructive impulse was there before John shared our compulsions. ever began his downward cycle of self- The compulsive behaviors set us on a medication. His years of drug abuse were downward path that only adds to our feelings of merely symptomatic of his feelings of low self- inadequacy. This creates what psychologists worth (really no self-worth). These feelings recognize as the vicious “cycle of shame.” As had led him on to a path of slow suicide. His a gay male I’ve had to look at, and deal with, overt suicide attempt was in reality the logical my own compulsiveness and the destructive end of a path that John had been on for many effect that it was having on my own emotional long and painful years. and physical health. At the core I constantly In my years of working as a therapist with run up against the shame, the sense of low self- gay and lesbian people, I ’ve seen an enormous worth, that was so deeply etched into my amount of compulsive/addictive behavior. Not consciousness as a child. that gays and lesbians have any comer on Fortunately for many of us, there is a way compulsiveness in our compulsive/addictive out of this self-destructive cycle. First of all, society, but we do have an additional burden to there are many programs, even in the gay com deal with: a burden of what psychologists now munity, that can help us deal with our compul call “shame.” sive behaviors and bring us out of isolation. Shame involves the messages that we And there are healing paths where we can learn internalize from our shaming culture, messages self-love and root out the scff-hateful condition that constantly tell us: “You’re no good.” ing of our childhood. In coming months I’d Growing up in this culture, we absorb cultural like to look with you at the process of recovery values that tell us that, as gays and lesbians, we and share with you my own experience of the are defective and worthless. These cultural healing process. values often reinforce feelings of low self- ▼ worth that have resulted from neglectful or abusive parenting. Most of our parents were carrying their own burden of shame, and all too As a service to the community, and to often they have passed this legacy on to their introduce his work in the Portland area, Dr. children. Exel is offering a free one-day workshop on Low self-worth, rooted in internalized emotional healing and recovery. All are shame, results in spiritual and emotional welcome, but space is limited. Call 226-3814 isolation. When we feel deeply inadequate, we for more information. learn to hide from others. We strive to conceal Jan S ch o rcy Registered Investment Adviser J Socially, Environmentally, & Financially Responsible Investing 5200 S.W. Macadam, Suite 350 Portland, O R 97201 (503) 224-7828 • 1-800-PROGRESS nT.jTABOR PLORI57 Contemporary and Distinctive Design Created Specifically for You and Your Lifestyle • gift ideas • cut flowers • plants • silks • balloon creations • parties • all occasions Serving all hospitals and funeral homes O 256-2920 7819 S.E. Stark lUcflota C IR C LE H EALTH CARE C LIN IC H E A L I N G A R T S ACUPUNCTURE • CHIROPRACTIC • MASSAGE • COUNSELING • NATUROPATHIC MEDICINE jAN CORW IN, D.C. CHIRO PRACTIC PHYSICIAN BROOKE WINTER, L.Ac. LICENSED ACUPUNCTURIST KIP M. HARD, D.C. CHIRO PRACTIC PHYSICIAN VALERIE M. LYON, M S., L.M.T. MASSAGE & BO DY CENTERED THERAPY SUZANNE SCOPES, N.D. NATUROPATHIC PHYSICIAN KATHY PETERS, L.M.T. LICENSED MASSAGE TECHNICIAN 316 N.E. 28TH ST., PORTLAND, OR 97232 (503) 230-0812 S U B S C R I B E For just $17.50 (bulk rate) or $30 (first class) you can receive just out for one year, at your home or office. Nam e_____________________________________ ___ Address______________________________________ City/State/Zip------------------------------------------------- Don't have sex. or Have one sexual partner. Use condoms for safer sex. Don't shoot. If you do shoot, don't share rigs. For more information, or to volunteer, call: 223-AIDS or I-800-777-AIDS. just out PO Box 15117, Portland, OR 97215 • 503/236-1252 just out W * 19 T October 1990 ’ v v h X r\ » '<4v.
