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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 1, 1988)
Being afraid: A personal account of the AIDS epidemic Bridgetown Realty happily welcom es back . . . I was devastated. / was as good as dead. / wanted my death to be quick. I was afraid. B Y W E S It takes tw o to have unsafe sex, L U T T R F . L L E to a lung specialist who referred me to a doctor familiar with AIDS. He said I had pneumo maging waking up at 4 a.m . crying, sweat cystis pneumonia but ran tests just to be sure. ing. and feeling tense — so tense that you The first test was a gallium scan. They injected think you will break if you move. Unable to go a radioisotope into my veins and watched it go back to sleep, you move to the couch, turn on through my chest to seek out the infection. It did the TV to interrupt your thoughts, and fall not indicate pneumocystis. The second test was asleep again. a sputum specimen. It was negative. The third Imagine getting ready for a shower and un test was another bronchoscopy — also negative. I spent four days in the hospital hooked up to dressing with your back to the mirror because an oxygen supply and with IV drip every eight you are afraid of seeing something on your body hours. I went home, took antibiotics for ten that has not been there before. Imagine washing days and recovered. yourself under your arms and keeping the soap My T cell count was low — 295 — but not between your hand and armpit for fear of find- critical. I was diagnosed as having pneumo cystis pneumonia even though the tests were negative. These two things qualified me for the AIDS diagnosis. I was devastated. I was as good as dead. I had better get my papers in order. I didn't want my death to cause any legal or monetary hardships on my loved ones. I wanted my death to be quick. They had agreed to take care of me at home until I died, and I didn't want to put them through a lengthy ordeal. I was afraid, afraid to die. I have seen people die. I've even taken care of them after they died. I never imagined it could be me shoved into the cooler on that cold tray. I was afraid of not being able to care for myself — personal things like going to the bathroom and shower ing. I felt like throwing up. I did throw up It didn 't help. Neither did crying. In September 1987 the Douglas County AIDS/ARC Council sponsored a lecture on ing lumps. Imagine taking your shower with the death and dying given by Elisabeth Kiibler- lights off so as to avoid seeing spots or blotches. Ross. It had been only two days after my AIDS Imagine that you are losing weight — not a diagnosis when I met her. I felt like I had a lot o f weight, just a pound or two a month, but thousand pounds lifted from my shoulders. enough to notice. Little do you realize that your What a relief! I slept all night. fear o f losing weight is causing you to bum I decided that yes I am going to die: everyone calories that you don't need to bum; therefore, does, but they really don't know when. I've got you lose more weight. some time left, maybe a lot of time, maybe not. You catch a cold and develop a sinus infec But I'm going to spend this time productively. tion. Your doctor pours potent and expensive I'm not going to waste it crying and moping antibiotics down you, but they don't work. He around the house. I am not going to die from tells you that your nose has been broken and that AIDS, I’m going to live with AIDS. he wants to cut it open to fix it. A routine I'm fortunate in a lot of ways. I’m surrounded pre-surgery physical indicates that your lym- by wonderful supportive friends. I have insur phocite count is indicative o f AIDS. Then the ance that covers about 85 percent of my medical doctor tells you to get an “ AIDS test” and says, bills and AZT. The people I worked with are “ If it’s negative, do you still want the surgery?” supportive. They all — about 500 — know that I ’m gay and have AIDS. You say to yourself “ to hell with you” and walk out. The other physician, who gave you your I’ve received a disability retirement. It was fairly easy to get with an AIDS diagnosis. I miss physical, prescribes an inexpensive medicated w ork, but I ’m getting over it. I liked my job and nasal spray and your sinus infection disappears. the people I worked with. You don't get the antibody test, but you know I ’m doing well and feel better now than I that you must be a “ positive” because two of have for two years. The doctor has threatened to your friends are “ positives” — one has lym- put me on a diet. I have only gained 30 pounds. phadenopathy — and you had sex with them Go ahead, call me a fat faggot. I love it. I only You vow to have safer sex or no sex. have to see the doctor once a month now, but I The previous paragraphs describe what I get a blood test (white cell count) every week. went through during the winter of ’85 and '8 6 .1 It's great to get up in the morning after a full feel that I have first-hand knowledge of hell and night's sleep, turn on the lights, undress while its horrors. facing a mirror, and see a smile instead of During November 1986 I developed an occa fear. • sional sharp pain in my lower right chest. A doctor — supportive of the gay community — Wes Luttrelle is a native Oregonian who has x-rayed my chest; a "sp o t” was visible. A lived in Oregon all his life. He is a founding bronchoscopy failed to show the presence of member of GALA and is chair of the Switch pneumocystis pneumonia, but the drug Pent board Committee. He is also an active member amidine was prescribed. This medicine was of Mixed Company. administered once a day by IV drip from a bottle hanging from my living room ceiling. It caused a burning sensation in my arm and made it swell and the veins blacken. I recovered from the pneumonia and returned to work after six weeks. In August 1987 I lost several pounds and became short of breath. At times just walking to the bathroom would put me down on the floor hacking and coughing. The doctor referred me I Roseburg Report Say you saw it in just out only one to prevent it. Find out how. Kathy Tysinger Res. 665-2936 • Residential, HUD Properties, Business Opportunities/Commercial. • Free consultation: The Buying Process, Earnest Money Agreements, Competitive Market Analysis, Financing. • Buying or Selling. • City or Country. Bridgetown Realty ( 503 ) 287-9370 Saturday Sunday Saturday Saturday Saturday Sunday Saturday January 23 February 21 March 19 April 16 May 14 June 5 June 18 Downtown ai the Portland Building, 1120 SW 5th Conference Room B. 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