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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (June 1, 1986)
Good magic by Lee Lynch Last year about this time I devoted a colum n to the Bonding Ritual I’d been privileged to attend. Since then I’ve given a great deal of thought to the subject of gay marriage. A great deal. My lover and I have decided to wed. W e’ve both com e to this decision with certainty after pondering innumerable issues around marriage for anyone, and especially T H E AMAZON TRAIL marriage for lesbians. I’m still grappling with some of those issues, because they won’t be resolved by the cerem ony alone. I’ve tried to think through the subject on m y own, and tried also to talk with a therapist about it But she was straight Accepting, but straight How could I trust her to help process what I can’t see clearly myself? And why, I wondered, couldn’t I see clearly? What was getting in m y way? Th e n I read Daniel Yates Rist’s “Sexual Slander,” an article primarily about AIDS in the May 13,1986 His premise is that gay m en are almost passively accepting the blame for a diseae the world at large has conveniently labeled theirs. All in one it is punishm ent of gays and vindication of straights. AID S as a symbol is the new pink triangle, a symbol of self-hatred so internal ized the victims self-destruct It’s a fantastic article I could recap for the length of this colum n. But m y interest right now is in the self-hatred, and how that applies to me and m y struggle with formalizing m y love. Neither the sexual slander of AIDS, says Rist nor m y struggle, will be resolved until “we stop apologizng — for AIDS, our love, our lives.” A ID S is, simply, not a gay disease, and marriage not a straight institution. But we believe we m ust take on the guilt of the dis ease, and believe we cannot have such a validating tradition as marriage. Rist says, " . . . even were A ID S today, our failure to believe in our integrity rem ains. . . ” And it is that illness, the dis-ease of a weak integrity, which haunts m e even as I plan to publicly, passionately and permanently join with m y mate. Marriage is for good, clean, upstanding citizens. And I am of the c o m munity Rist describes as hardly recovered from our “agonizing years believing lies about ourselves, hideous lies that fed self- hate, that ate away at us until we feared any minute we would be destroyed— ... that we cannot love, that we re unlovable, that we re sexually obsessed, that we re all promis cuous, that our relationships do n’t last." As I prepare to make m y promise, my doubts are not about m y partner. No, she’s a major miracle in m y life and I couldn’t be m ore sure there. What nags at me is m y right to the rite, whether I deserve to partake of the blessings marriage is designed to bestow. Rist again: “... our marriages and gay famlies disgust the law." Churches perpetuate the "vulgar lying images of g a y s . . And I. somewhere inside, believe these lies, accept these insults, devalue myself till I fear I’m Advocate. cured Lies Just Out June 1986 giving little of worth to m y spouse. W hy bother? W hy hassle with these straight ways? Som e lesbians criticize romantic love and marriage as straying into the enem y camp, adopting their ways, betraying our own. Gays have lived for centuries without the ceremony. Surely a bit of m u m b o -ju m b o intoned by a person of the cloth can’t create a spiritual and social superglue that will insure longevity of c o m mitment, that will guarantee continued interest and fidelity. That s what I always thought while I was refusing to listen to this silly heart of mine which yearned to set a seal on m y love. That’s what I always told myself when, at a straight wedding, I watched the good will showered on the couple. W hy not us up there, dignified, regally garbed, beaming and beamed upon? I researched marriage, to learn its roots and the cultural roots of m y yearning. In the Encyclopedia Britannica, under the entry Marriage." I learned that the ritual was more about property (goods and hum an children) than about either love or good will. K wasn’t until I happened on the entry “Primitive Mar- Hage" that I began to get the answers I sought A marriage rite as a rule is also a ritual act with symbolic significance, and as such is often conceived to have magical efficacy . . . as perhaps the most important con tract ever entered by the marital partners and as an act that creates a new family, marriage is a crisis. A crisis in hum an life is surrounded by powerful emotions: fore bodings and hopes, fears and joyful anti cipations. Innumerable rites exist that are obviously intended to remove the dangers associated with the crisis of marriage___ T h e contract is made binding in that m embers of the com m unity bear witness to it; it is hallowed in that the mates sol emnly and openly declare. . . that they belong to each other. This is what I wanted. A blessing, a wit nessing, a bringing down of good magic to a union I choose in order to obey m y internal laws. And this is what I demand: the right to such a ceremony. Th e universe is full of spiritual bounty; let it shower a portion onto us, a lesbian couple, and not reserve it all for heterosexuals. No wonder we’ve been barred by every court and every religion from partak ing of this sacrament — we might feel legiti mate, blessed, accepted by the human race and the gods or goddesses! M y own behavior has been the clue to the disturbance in me. In announcing the event I’ve choked on the word marriage, or have not shared m y plans at all. Would people think a marriage between two women weird, distasteful? Be shocked, disapproving? I’ve longed to present it as if on a platter, this bit of beauty in m y life, but I’ve feared to stumble as I serve it, feared I’d end up staring, embarras sed, at what had become no more than an ugly mess in someone’s lap. T h e cerem ony is not a necessity. Th e rela tionship we re living and building will not dis solve without it I’m not trying to start, or continue, a trend. But I am seeking a way to give myself permission to take whatever good m agic is rightfully ours. It’s a tough world we live in. Gay unions are as susceptible as any, or m ore so, to the dangers out- and inside us. There is evidence that same sex marriages have taken place as long as there has been marriage, liie s e have been legitimate m ar riages, performed by the clergy of the time in front of everyone. I want to take back just one m ore thing that’s been taken away. But after a lifetime of ¡earning to apologize, learning to believe the lies, learning to feel and accept the legislated disgust, it’s hard to feel worthy, hard to take what I want so badly, hard to acknowledge that I It's hard. hard, hard to step away from the world that would deny me the joy and support of a solid healthy love — and to walk up an aisle, and simply take it. deserve. o\CY^ CAPL/5 § § $ Discover the healthy you! Nutrition and weight-loss counseling, immune system evaluation, stop-smoking programs, non-sexual massage, homeopathy. Natural therapies for: chronic fatigue, high blood pressure, diabetes, back pain, prostate problems, ulcers, allergies, alcoholism and many more. A naturopathic physician spends more time with his patients - to talk, to listen, to explain, to help you learn better ways to care for your health. Please call 244-8476 7912 S. W. 35th A venue, Portland, OR 97222 Family Business Traffic Workers Comp. 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