Classified ad
brings love and
the unexpected
you'll accept in your home, regardless of who
the visitor or caller is.
Remember that what you do now in the
early stages of your relationship with Randy
will set the tone for the rest of your
relationship.
D e a r Dr. R a y ,
By
fi
Dr. Raymond Berger
Dear Dr. Ray.
Last yar at the age o f 53 I moved from a
sm all tow n in the Midwest to Portland. I
m oved because I was tired o f being alone (I'd
never had a lover or even anything close) and
because I wanted to know other gay people.
I g o t several calls and letters in response to
a "personals ' ad I placed in a local gay paper.
O ne o f them was Randy, a beautiful, suppor
tive 2 2 -year-old. Two m onths ago he moved
in to m y place.
Everything about our relationship is
w onderful. But there is a terrible problem .
Randy m oved here from a sm all town a few
hours away, where he had a '‘special" rela
tio nship with an elderly businessman. Randy
obviously cares a great deal for this man but
the ir relationship troubles me. Mr. X has told
everyone in his town that he is Randy's father,
w hich is not true. When Randy was in a car
accident a few m onths ago Mr. X signed him
into the hospital and had all the bills sent
to him .
Now Mr. X calls every few days. He has even
driven all the way to our apartm ent where
Randy found him standing outside. He re
fuses to speak to me, but every tim e Randy
gets o ff the phone with him he spends the
rest o f the day crying. Mr. X is now threatening
Randy and says that Randy owes him $5000
in h o spita l bills.
Randy keeps saying he’ll toss this guy off,
but he never does.
I d o n ’t want to see Randy hurt and this
whole thing is putting a strain on our relation
ship. How can I help Randy?
Dear Caught,
It sounds like Randy is torn between affec
tion fo r hs form er m entor and a desire to
break away from a relationship that is
increasingly unfair to him . Eventually Randy
is going to have to be firm about breaking
away from this dom ineering man.
You should make it clear to Randy that he
has no legal or financial responsibility to Mr. X
if he never accepted mone« rrom him directly.
Regarding the hospital bill, ne should insist
on dealing only with the hospital and doctor. A
call o r letter to the bookkeeping departm ent
and to his doctor(s) should clarify just what
his financial responsibilities are.
This is not going to be easy for you. But the
best thing you can do is to be supportive o f
Randy. Let him know that he can talk to you
freely. D o n 't be threatened or defensive:
Randy has clearly made a choice to be with
you. H onor his faith in you by putting up with
som e m in or inconvenience. But if the calls or
visits becom e excessive help Randy to under
stand that you need to place lim its on what %
Caught in the Middle
in t im a t e
Jacquelines.«
Dear Dr. Ray,
I'm heartbroken and I do n't know who to
turn to.
Two m onths ago I met the m ost wonderful
m an I’ve ever known at a party (I II call him
Brent). He seemed just as interested in me as
I was in him . Pretty soon we began havinq a
really intense sexual relationship, but I felt un
com fortable because it seemed like I always
wanted m ore than he did.
W hen I m et him he told me that he and his
lover had broken up som e m onths ago. So I
never gave it another thought. But the first
week he cancelled out on me because he
said his lover had arranged a dinner that he
had forgotten a b o u t Then the follow ing week
he to ld me that at that dinner, he and his “ ex"
had spent the night together.
Last night he invited me over to his place
and gave m e som e news that left me shat
tered. He and his lover have decided to re
kindle their old flam e and he doesn’t want to
sleep with me anymore. He ju st wants to be
friends.
I’ve not been able to eat or sleep for the last
tw o days. I do n’t want to be his friend. I want to
be his lover. But I don’t know what to do or
w ho to talk to.
Paralyzed by Love
Dear Paralyzed,
You have obviously invested a lot o f your
self in this m an and so the loss o f the relation
ship is painful fo r you.
It is clear that the first thing you m ust do is
F O R W A R D
. ^
------
= G
Have a problem ? Need advice? W rite to
"D r. Ray" in care o f J u s t O ut, PO Box 15117,
Portland, OR 97215. Include a stamped, self-
addressed envelope if you wish to receive a
'personal reply.
Dr. R aym ond Berger, a n indiuidual,
co u p le a n d fam ily counselor, is au th o r o f
th e b o o k Gay and Gray: The O lder
H om osexual Man. To schedule an appoint
m ent w ith Dr. Berger call 292-2735.
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Bm
to accept the fact that this man is not going to
be your lover. He's given you a lot o f signals
that say his priority is his "ex and not you.
Rather than take this as a reflection o f your
worth, understand that Brent and his lover
have a history together, a factor which pulls
them together, even though Brent obviously
values you too. The fact that he chose to tell
you about his decision, rather than to just
dum p you means that he does care about
your feelings too.
Find a friend with whom you can unburden
your feelings. And make a special effort to
spend tim e with your friends, and to do things
w hich w ill make you feel productive and
w orthw hile, as you learn to accept the new
situation. You will begin to feel better with
tim e.
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