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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 1, 1986)
Classified ad brings love and the unexpected you'll accept in your home, regardless of who the visitor or caller is. Remember that what you do now in the early stages of your relationship with Randy will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. D e a r Dr. R a y , By fi Dr. Raymond Berger Dear Dr. Ray. Last yar at the age o f 53 I moved from a sm all tow n in the Midwest to Portland. I m oved because I was tired o f being alone (I'd never had a lover or even anything close) and because I wanted to know other gay people. I g o t several calls and letters in response to a "personals ' ad I placed in a local gay paper. O ne o f them was Randy, a beautiful, suppor tive 2 2 -year-old. Two m onths ago he moved in to m y place. Everything about our relationship is w onderful. But there is a terrible problem . Randy m oved here from a sm all town a few hours away, where he had a '‘special" rela tio nship with an elderly businessman. Randy obviously cares a great deal for this man but the ir relationship troubles me. Mr. X has told everyone in his town that he is Randy's father, w hich is not true. When Randy was in a car accident a few m onths ago Mr. X signed him into the hospital and had all the bills sent to him . Now Mr. X calls every few days. He has even driven all the way to our apartm ent where Randy found him standing outside. He re fuses to speak to me, but every tim e Randy gets o ff the phone with him he spends the rest o f the day crying. Mr. X is now threatening Randy and says that Randy owes him $5000 in h o spita l bills. Randy keeps saying he’ll toss this guy off, but he never does. I d o n ’t want to see Randy hurt and this whole thing is putting a strain on our relation ship. How can I help Randy? Dear Caught, It sounds like Randy is torn between affec tion fo r hs form er m entor and a desire to break away from a relationship that is increasingly unfair to him . Eventually Randy is going to have to be firm about breaking away from this dom ineering man. You should make it clear to Randy that he has no legal or financial responsibility to Mr. X if he never accepted mone« rrom him directly. Regarding the hospital bill, ne should insist on dealing only with the hospital and doctor. A call o r letter to the bookkeeping departm ent and to his doctor(s) should clarify just what his financial responsibilities are. This is not going to be easy for you. But the best thing you can do is to be supportive o f Randy. Let him know that he can talk to you freely. D o n 't be threatened or defensive: Randy has clearly made a choice to be with you. H onor his faith in you by putting up with som e m in or inconvenience. But if the calls or visits becom e excessive help Randy to under stand that you need to place lim its on what % Caught in the Middle in t im a t e Jacquelines.« Dear Dr. Ray, I'm heartbroken and I do n't know who to turn to. Two m onths ago I met the m ost wonderful m an I’ve ever known at a party (I II call him Brent). He seemed just as interested in me as I was in him . Pretty soon we began havinq a really intense sexual relationship, but I felt un com fortable because it seemed like I always wanted m ore than he did. W hen I m et him he told me that he and his lover had broken up som e m onths ago. So I never gave it another thought. But the first week he cancelled out on me because he said his lover had arranged a dinner that he had forgotten a b o u t Then the follow ing week he to ld me that at that dinner, he and his “ ex" had spent the night together. Last night he invited me over to his place and gave m e som e news that left me shat tered. He and his lover have decided to re kindle their old flam e and he doesn’t want to sleep with me anymore. He ju st wants to be friends. I’ve not been able to eat or sleep for the last tw o days. I do n’t want to be his friend. I want to be his lover. But I don’t know what to do or w ho to talk to. Paralyzed by Love Dear Paralyzed, You have obviously invested a lot o f your self in this m an and so the loss o f the relation ship is painful fo r you. It is clear that the first thing you m ust do is F O R W A R D . ^ ------ = G Have a problem ? Need advice? W rite to "D r. Ray" in care o f J u s t O ut, PO Box 15117, Portland, OR 97215. Include a stamped, self- addressed envelope if you wish to receive a 'personal reply. Dr. R aym ond Berger, a n indiuidual, co u p le a n d fam ily counselor, is au th o r o f th e b o o k Gay and Gray: The O lder H om osexual Man. To schedule an appoint m ent w ith Dr. Berger call 292-2735. F o r in fo r m a t io n r e g a r d in g a d v e r t is in g • c a ll 236*1252 TWENTY-THIRD AVENUE E BOOKS % SEE VUE >. I MOTEL Bm to accept the fact that this man is not going to be your lover. He's given you a lot o f signals that say his priority is his "ex and not you. Rather than take this as a reflection o f your worth, understand that Brent and his lover have a history together, a factor which pulls them together, even though Brent obviously values you too. The fact that he chose to tell you about his decision, rather than to just dum p you means that he does care about your feelings too. Find a friend with whom you can unburden your feelings. And make a special effort to spend tim e with your friends, and to do things w hich w ill make you feel productive and w orthw hile, as you learn to accept the new situation. You will begin to feel better with tim e. Wide Selection of: • Lesbian/Gay JONAHS nave a unique experience-build a f i r e - e nj o y the sea in the style of Hemingway. 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Portland, Oregon 224-5097 S A N D R A K. P IN C H E S C LIN IC A L PSYCH O LO G IST Counselinq and PsvchotheraDV Individuals, Couples, and Families A dolescents, A du lts W is Bankruptcy Property Medical Consents B en K Merrill 295-2 2 4 5 6 408 SW Secor r i , Surte_519 uuwmuwn r u n » » » r z w Gay, Lesbian and Couples In divid ua ls Relationship Problems Depression Stress Partners o f A lcoholics 1809 N .W . jo m JSON, SUITE 7 PO RTLAND , OR 97209 (503) 22 7-7558 January. 19£& t