H
Committed
relationships —
A thing of the past?
by Sandra Pinches
Frustration over the failure to find and sus
tain a com m itted love relationship brings
m ore people to the counselor’s office than
alm ost any other personal problem. Gay men
and lesbians face special obstacles to c o m
m itm ent because of societal prejudice, but
nongay people as well have become increas
ingly discouraged by the transitory aspect of
m ost intim ate involvements. Many people
now enter relationships already assuming that
they will not la st which unfortunately tends to
increase the likelihood of an early ending.
Difficulties with intimacy and com m itm ent
are so widespread, sociocultural conditions
rather than individual personalities must be
the basis of the problem. One contributing
factor is the rejection of shared traditional
values, roles and rules, which previously
helped to equalize people's expectations
about how a relationship would work. In a
changing society, individuals struggle to de
fine new values for themselves, resulting in a
wide variety of beliefs regarding the nature of
a good relationship. The num ber of areas in
which individual differences may develop into
disagreements or even incom patibility is thus
greatly increased. Since people still tend to
assume that their partners’ values and goals
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are somewhat similar to their own, intense
feelings of betrayal often accompany the rec
ognition of the m agnitude of differences. The
dem ise of many relationships may be simply
a reaction to this disillusionm ent experience.
O ther couples struggle to find a com m on
ground despite the differences, but are un
able to do so. Relatively few couples
re-com m it themselves to each other at this
stage, which usually occurs during the sec
ond or third year of a relationship.
U
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panying conflicts within and between people,
new skills are needed for resolving conflicts
w ithout necessarily ending relationships.
Central am ong these skills may be the ability
to identify the positive contribution of ind i
vidual differences to a relationship. Learning
fair fighting, active listening, and negotiation
techniques can also improve the chances of
sustaining a co m m itm en t through rough
times. An increasing num ber o f classes and
w orkshops teach these interpersonal skills.
Couple counselling is also an option for
people who want ongoing work.
socialization prescribed an accom m odating
role for women with an emphasis on preserva
tion of the relationship rather than on self-
gratification. This role probably contributed
significantly to the stabilty of both heterosex
ual and lesbian relationships in past genera
tions. Most women still fear becom ing too
selfish, but at the same time want to become
able to put themselves first in some situa
tions. When a woman and her partner are in
conflict, the woman may become confused
Many individuals rush enthusiastically into new
relationships, only to rush out again in a few months.
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Unfortunately, epidemic numbers of people
have such intense fears of intim acy and c o m
m itm e n t that they are unable to apply new
relationship skills. Many individuals rush en
thusiastically into new relationships, only to
rush ou t again within a few m onths. Ending
the relationship decreases the fear, so the
pattern is repeated, either with the same part
ner o r a series o f new ones. Obsessions and
addictions often develop in place of intimacy
with another person. Compulsive runners,
for example, relate prim arily to their own
bodies, while other people become deeply
involved with a drug. Long term psychother
apy is usually necessary to change these de
structive patterns.
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Help is available for the great num ber of
people who want to create com m itted rela
tionships without returning to traditional
roles and rules. Counselors do not have
magical answers to the dilem m a, ho . ever.
We all live in the same changing society, and
we m ust work together to bring com m itted
love back into o u r lives.
about when to assert and when to accom m o
date, and may even leave the relationship
abruptly rather than risk a challenge to her
weakly established belief in her personal
rights.
Given that the process of redefining values
will continue indefinitely, with the accom
Som e o f the values which are especially
relevant to intimate relationships today in
clude beliefs about the proper roles of w o
m en and men, the ethics o f selfishness ver
sus concern for others, and the question of
how bad a relationship must be before sep
aration is justified. For example, traditional
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