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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 1, 1985)
H Committed relationships — A thing of the past? by Sandra Pinches Frustration over the failure to find and sus tain a com m itted love relationship brings m ore people to the counselor’s office than alm ost any other personal problem. Gay men and lesbians face special obstacles to c o m m itm ent because of societal prejudice, but nongay people as well have become increas ingly discouraged by the transitory aspect of m ost intim ate involvements. Many people now enter relationships already assuming that they will not la st which unfortunately tends to increase the likelihood of an early ending. Difficulties with intimacy and com m itm ent are so widespread, sociocultural conditions rather than individual personalities must be the basis of the problem. One contributing factor is the rejection of shared traditional values, roles and rules, which previously helped to equalize people's expectations about how a relationship would work. In a changing society, individuals struggle to de fine new values for themselves, resulting in a wide variety of beliefs regarding the nature of a good relationship. The num ber of areas in which individual differences may develop into disagreements or even incom patibility is thus greatly increased. Since people still tend to assume that their partners’ values and goals E L P O are somewhat similar to their own, intense feelings of betrayal often accompany the rec ognition of the m agnitude of differences. The dem ise of many relationships may be simply a reaction to this disillusionm ent experience. O ther couples struggle to find a com m on ground despite the differences, but are un able to do so. Relatively few couples re-com m it themselves to each other at this stage, which usually occurs during the sec ond or third year of a relationship. U T panying conflicts within and between people, new skills are needed for resolving conflicts w ithout necessarily ending relationships. Central am ong these skills may be the ability to identify the positive contribution of ind i vidual differences to a relationship. Learning fair fighting, active listening, and negotiation techniques can also improve the chances of sustaining a co m m itm en t through rough times. An increasing num ber o f classes and w orkshops teach these interpersonal skills. Couple counselling is also an option for people who want ongoing work. socialization prescribed an accom m odating role for women with an emphasis on preserva tion of the relationship rather than on self- gratification. This role probably contributed significantly to the stabilty of both heterosex ual and lesbian relationships in past genera tions. Most women still fear becom ing too selfish, but at the same time want to become able to put themselves first in some situa tions. When a woman and her partner are in conflict, the woman may become confused Many individuals rush enthusiastically into new relationships, only to rush out again in a few months. •< \ 'A \ ■ Unfortunately, epidemic numbers of people have such intense fears of intim acy and c o m m itm e n t that they are unable to apply new relationship skills. Many individuals rush en thusiastically into new relationships, only to rush ou t again within a few m onths. Ending the relationship decreases the fear, so the pattern is repeated, either with the same part ner o r a series o f new ones. Obsessions and addictions often develop in place of intimacy with another person. Compulsive runners, for example, relate prim arily to their own bodies, while other people become deeply involved with a drug. Long term psychother apy is usually necessary to change these de structive patterns. >. ^ jj r W -, . / — \ \ • v \ As ; ' A i/f .. 1 "V I * \ L *S . a*' , ' " t - - ...J f ; \ \ s \ Help is available for the great num ber of people who want to create com m itted rela tionships without returning to traditional roles and rules. Counselors do not have magical answers to the dilem m a, ho . ever. We all live in the same changing society, and we m ust work together to bring com m itted love back into o u r lives. about when to assert and when to accom m o date, and may even leave the relationship abruptly rather than risk a challenge to her weakly established belief in her personal rights. Given that the process of redefining values will continue indefinitely, with the accom Som e o f the values which are especially relevant to intimate relationships today in clude beliefs about the proper roles of w o m en and men, the ethics o f selfishness ver sus concern for others, and the question of how bad a relationship must be before sep aration is justified. For example, traditional a haBitat C or women an 6 theiR CRiends in n e/o c tt s/a>. A /iic A W / / / Y tfi/r c r c /t/n Y ./tu Y t/t - A r t Y / . i / f/c/Z /t . S /t f /w r c /t - Z r / Z / t c t / t / t r t /f </ / / r tY /fttZ tt/t/Z 1 ////C C . is e & //a fiA Y Y t t /t /t Y ^ /t/ t/t . ) . - (A e /U rA e A f t 4 / •'Z c t t f /t ift A . / / t / t / ' t / t f t Z f f Z f / t ■ Y ff/ '/ tc //(// r , C A \o iA e //e : - tr/ tfZ ■ / c / t / ir s . i ft/ t o /Z tr/ ttZ j /f f t c e . Z t A . i / / Z f / c t Z / t . 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