THE INDEPENDENCE- MONITOR
AN INDLPENDENT NEWSPAPER
MV POUCH O W B CUT TUftACCol
IJWI AS ! A VOO LOOSC I
PAPER At, BUT IT4 fcirrtRj
AHO CHCAPIR, RtCAU!e IT C
lATIVIH AHO LA'TS 10wr,;R
Mrs. Bowser's Scheme
T" tit . .1 i a sr hi a
ruDusnea weeKiy ai maepenaence, roiK uoumy &
And Mr. Dowser Gets Jealous
wregon, on rnaay.
L
-OOO-
By M. QUAD
Entered as Second Class Matter August 1, 1912 at the Post Office at Inde
yerdence, Polk County, Oregon, Under the Act of March 3, 1879.
I joiCC.rnAr hlu. ha
CAUfaWT OH TO IT AH. P"
i
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Independence, Oregon, Friday, January 12, 1917
I. Aronson, a Portland jeweler, who has been
arrested charged with fraudulent advertising- by
the Portland Ad Club, comes back with the dec
laration that "it is a case of the pot calling the
kettle black" and recalls to memory the famous
march of the Portland Ad Club about a year ago,
lie says:
"The crowd marched thru our streets
in 'hot weather attire' namely shirt
sleeves, palm leaf fans and straw hats,
in a shivering snow storm, depositing
- thousands of letters to various people in
the country, speaking or the wonderful
warm climate in the winter, 'showing
folks in other parts of tlie country who
see by the moving pictures what can be
done in Portland, even in the winter
time.' That was about the biggest fake
ever pulled off in Oregon. Another stunt
was pulled off by having one of the issues
of the Saturday Evening Post publish
last month, a present dav picture of the
Portland harbor filled with ships when
we all know as a matter of fact that few
ships have been in the harbor since the
war. An old picture had been used."
If Aronson had represented every brass ring in
his store as solid gold and sold every glass as a
diamond, he could still learn something about fake
advertising from the Portland Ad Club.
i:OM several hints dropped during t ie last three or four day
Mrs. Dowser became satisfied that Mr. Bowser was working
up a scheme, and she made up her mind to beat him to it.
Therefore, when they had got settled down the other evening
she suddenly said:
Mr. Bowser, I have a great scheme on hand which will be
sure to make me fame and fortune."
Mr. Bowser gave a start. He always began his schemes
that way, but he never heard Mrs. Bowser do It before.
"You know that in this climate we have long, cold win
ters " she went on. "From November to May we must keep our furnaces going,
and' the expense is something terrible. The cold comes from the cold wavci
from the west. If it wasn't for these cold waves we should have almost sum
mer weather here during the seven months of the winter season. You follow
me, don t you, Mr. Bowser?"
"1 may in time find out what you are getting at," he growled.
"I will make it very plain to you, Mr. Bowser. All the cold waves are born
on the Hocky mountains, and they head for the ei-st at once. Suppose those
blizzards were stopped at the foot of the mountains?"
"But who can stop them and how?" he asked uneasily.
"If I can get up enough heat to warm up the cold waves the question is
solved. The cold waves would turn to warm waves," said Mrs. Bowser. "My
scheme is very simple and can be put In practice at a trifling cost. We run a
line of poles north and south from Maine to Georgia. W will say It tancs
1,000,000 pules. They can be cut and set for about 13 apiece. That is only the
insignificant sum of 13,000,000."
"What the deuce do you want poles for?" growled Mr. Bbwser.
"I want to attach steam pipes to them six rows of steam pipes. The bot
tom row will be almost on the ground and the top one eight feet high. These
pipes will be attached by hooks, and we will have six rows of them to divide
off the east from the west. At each end of the ruws we will have a monstrous
furnace capable of forcing steam at least 600 miles. I have it all figured out.
There is not a patriotic citizen of the
country who will say that General Hugh
Scott is a "hot air" merchant in the
statement that this country, to be fully
prepared, must have 3,000,000 men in
the army and half that number at once.
Woodburn Independent.
We are pained to see the excellent Independent
mentally corrupted by the exponents of the
vicious, every-citizen-carry-a-soldier-on-his-back
militarism of which General Scott is one of the
leading yellers. Scott is more dangerous to the
peace, happiness and prosperity of the country
than the anarchist because he has more influence
and innocents may be frightened into following
alter him. It is expected that a number, who
greatly profit by war, and, who unfortunately
control a large portion of the daily press, would
attempt to corrupt public sentiment but when a
single member ot the free country press is de
ceived into putting out the poison for them, there
is much rejoicing in hell but only weeping in
heaven.
One reason given for the exorbitant appropria
tion for fair purposes in Polk county is that
Winnie Braden has been able to capture several
blue ribbons. If true, we deny that blue ribbons
are worth as much as Polk county is paying for
them.
A number of people, who work in Portland, but
live in Clackamas countv, desire to be annexed to
Multnomah county. County lines should be
moved whenever it is for the comfort and con
venience ot'anv bodv of citizens.
71
The legislature is with us again. We hope for
the best but fear the worst. Fortunately, our
affliction is not of as long a duration as in several
other states. Ihe Oregon legislature onl) stays
on the job for forty days.
"THE CLOTHES WILL DRY IN AN HOUR."
The pipes and the work of putting them up will cost only H5,000,000. The cost
of coal per day and the men to tend the furnaces will be about J100.000 a day.
These are trilling things."
"By thunder, woman, you must have lost your head!" was growled.
"I figure," said Mrs. Bowser, "that the steam arising from these pipes will
heat the air for half a mile high. Therefore if any blizzard attempts to Jump
ever the pipes it will be dissolved In short order."
Mr. Bowser rose up from his chair and walked back and forth.
"I figure," quietly observed Mrs. Bowser, "that it may cost me $100,000,000
to put my scheme In operation and run it the first winter. After the first win
ter the cost will be reduced one-half. I can also furnish steam to heat all the
houses w ithin twenty mileH of the pipes. Sit down sit down, Mr. Bowser, and
listen to the rest of it.
"All the people who live within fifteen mies of the pipes can let their hens
roost upon them every night all winter, and the charge will be only a cent a
hen. The Monday wash can be hung on the pipes during the day, and the
clothes will dry in an hour. I am quite convinced that if orange trees are set
out within ten or fifteen feet of the pipes that fruit can be raised all winter.
In three or four years, after I've got this thin? in operation, it will be known
that Mr. Bowser Is my husband, and you will get your share of the honor. It
will be a small share, of course, but still enough to make you proud of having
such a wife."
Mr. Bowser got red in the face and grunted, and Mrs. Bowser went on:
"You will say that my line of pipes across the country will interrupt travel.
I have figured that out. Where they cross rullroads the pipes will be set so
high that trains can pass under them. At every country crossroads there will
be a larse elevator to hoist up wagons and horses and gently land them on the
other side, and no charge at all will be made for these conveniences. In sum
mer weather, when steam is not wanted, these pipes can be covered with artifi
cial Bowers so as to add to the beauty of the ficenery. What's the matter, Mr.
Bowser.' Uid you mutter something? '
"Y-e-s. I am thinking of idiot asylums!" was the reply, and Mr. Bowser
walked down the hall and put on his overcout and hat and left the house
without another word, while Mrs. Bowser rocked with quiet laughter.
Mr. Bowser went over to the family drug stor e, boug;ht a stick of licorice
and said to the druggist:
m "By George, but women are curious cr'tters. ain't they?"
"Well, what is it?" was asked in reply.
Mr. Bowser outlined Mrs. Bowser's scheme and then said:
"Well, what do you think of that turn fool nonsense?"
The druist had not cracked a smile while listening to the story, and
his face was now very serious as he answered:
"Mr. Bowser, If that was your scheme I would say you were the
brother of the Mgest jackass in America: but as it Is Mrs. Bowser's
sebwuu, oU U',1 l.-r t'nut I will take a thousand dollars' worth of stock
the day she is ready to begin operations!
Copyright, 191& McClure Nawtwauer Syndicate.
Kaiser Wilhelm has bestowed 10,000 iron crosses and 5,000,000
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When Oregon lumber gets to moving,
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the b
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