T1IHRSDAY, PKOKMHKU 13, 1917
PAGE EIGHT
LA ORAXDK EVENING OliSEIiVEll
KM PBDPQSES TO
COMES HACK, SCOKMNG ABDI
CATION AM) CLAIMING 1IKIXS
THRONE I1V KIGIIT
In reply to Lucifer II. Sntan'a
letter published in last Saturday's
Telegram, In which the devil offered
to abdicate in favor of the kaiser, a
reply has Iteen prepared attributed to
Kaiaer Wilhelm. It follows:
Hell, Nov. 1, 11117.
Imp. Lucifer Hotspur Satan:
Jly Dear Lucifer or shall I call
you Lucy for short? Yuur note of
recent date came to our imperial
hand, iour offer to abdicate the
throne of Hades in my favor would
beinterestine; were it wholly serious;
but conditions are implied that make
it inadvisable that I accept. I do not
think much of Gehenna imvhow. It
is a second-clays state at best and I
would not care to live there permanently.
As a matter of fact I have made a
splendid start toward n hell of my
own we call it Bottomless Prussia.
It has all the modern improvements,
such as running hot water, red fire,
cyanide gas, calcium Iitchts, wi'de open
plumbine; and vacuum cleaner. At
the present time we are irellinir prac
tically all the business and when it
comes to a matter of competition it is
my opinion that we would have you
pushed off the map. To be perfectly
frank with you we have considered
the advisability of taking over your
plant about the time it is vine for
bankruptcy, you are not makme; ex
penses, while wo are turning them
away. Everybody says that I am a
much bigger devil than yon ever dared
to be and there a not a (lay goes by
without my picture being in the pa
pers. You may have onre thought yrvj
were a hell of a fellow, but you have
nothing on me. Your place is a back
number and when the time comes
wo will move in and take possession
If wo think it worth while. It is
not usual for Prussians to give
warning or apology. We usually do
things then leavo it to history to
explain, but I am telling you this
because of our old time friendship
nnd nlso because I realize that you
can do nothing to forestall or pru
verit our action. Abdicate in my
favor? Why, you poor old stiff, von
have nothing to abdicate. You
couldn't float a bond issue on your
plant in a million years. In the com
mercial market it would be called
junk. You have n bunch of nncient
floorwalkers like Judns. Nero, An
anias, Caligula, Kirhard III and ('apt
Kidd that nre really driving business
away from the place. Talk about the
Huns! Why, I wouldn't let Attila
bring my shaving water.
If you had a few srouls like Von
TirpiU or Von tlindenburg you
might talk on some bf:3is of equality.
They are the boys who bring home
the bacon nnd they are filling our
hell with talent of their own creation
nnd developement. Hut while they
are finished performers, of course, J
am still the boss of the whole works.
It is my genius nnd inspiration that
has made our new hell possible. Hell
without me would be merely a word.
I have made it a torrid reality. You
mny as well understand first as last
that you cannot run a hell without
some of our Prussian efficiency. In
. n competitive nwo with us you wouli!
probably bring un as a second rule
cold-storage plant.
Ity reason of our former friend
ship, however, I ntn willing to recog
nize your moth-eaten thvono as one
with which diplomatic relations may
be maintained. I am sending Count
Von Kernstorff as my ambassador,
with nuthorily to make tnaties com
patible with our mutual inter-'s's. Un
der certain ein-umMan'.'r:! it might
lie possible to negotiate a union be
tween our crown prince and your Mes
salina. They might make a good
team. He may a'so tak'.- on l.ucretin
liorgin and make it a dinib!e-lie:uler.
How would it do for :ne to hook up
with one of y:uir Cat licr'nes-thin
Medici person, for inst ur.e'.' f
course, this would only be for the cam
paign and subject to renrellnlmn at
my will. Count Yon Korr.stnrf f is
permitted to talk of thr.tc. as well as
other matters, and hn him-'-lf hint
ed to mo the advisability of an ex
change of transfers. Thi:"., however,
would be with the idea of the gradual
absorption of your bell by mv own.
1 am to be perfectly fiauU with vou.
You must realize, ir.y de:.r Lucifer,
that you nre getting old. You are
not up to our modern methods rial
when you wander uimnul v illi virir
spiked tail, people only smile in a
good nntured wav nnd murmur: "Who
the devil is he?" I wonder what
misi bi f Satan is un to now?"
You are nil right for running a
kindergarten, but as the Loss of a
real blood-red. rip-snorting, concert
pitch hell, you arc- mostly rabbit.
You are altogether too easv. Why.
I understand vou even shy at conking
children in their own grease. You
ought to have seen the way I cleaned
them up in Belgium. Women first?
Well I guess yes-.. Any old way.
We turned ii into n path of Bot
tomless Pnissi;t evertuuht. That an
cient liarty who inn viri; tbcni;rh
Christii.ns in,! used thctn to light up
his grounds was a poor fish at think
ing up things tluit would nu.ke him
green with ci;vy. lb' nc or poi;-oiie.i
n whole regiment with gas b onbs and
A More Brim" fall m Amas suggestions', j
TjMs J. s Penney-Store Is
THE PRICES ARE SUCH THAT EACH OF YOU WHO HAV2 GIVEN UF THE CHRISTMAS IDEA WILL FIND THE USEFUL, PRACTICAL GIFT
FOR THE GROWN UPS, OR THE TOYS, THE BOOKS, THE SLEDS, ETC., FOR THE KIDDIES, WITHIN YOUR PURCHASE FEICS. HERE YOU
CAN BUY TWO GIFTS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE SI SS WHERE. THEN, DON'T HESITATE BUY NOW WHILE THE STOCKS ARE COMPLETE.
Our Prices Makes Two Glad Hearts n Xmas Day --- Giver and Receiver
GIRLS' GIFTS
Dolls 25c, 43c, 98c, $1.49
and $1.98
Ual.y Dolls 98c, $1.49, $1.33
and '. .$2,98
J?tmi)cT' l.)nls. . . .49c, 98c
Dutch Dol Ik. . .$1.49, $1.98
Doll licds 49c, $1.49, $1.93
frying Dolls 49c
Mc'iTv-Ko-i-oniids . . .$1.49
Hooks 5c, 10c, 15c, 19c, 25c
J'aint Dooks 10c, 15c, 25c
and .49c
Paint Sets 25c, 4Sc
Sweepers 25c
Stationery. . ,10c, 20c, 39c
Handkerchiefs 5c
Pathrolies $1.19, $1.49
Slippers. . . .49c, 98c, $1.49
Candles' for the Tree, per
hox 18c
Dracelets $1.49
rA i Gifts w Gifts ' i Ad
' of frirjhpvf W,n mv s if w& 1
Viw I! 4:r.:i ifj-. ' I
1
A practical gift makes a heart of cheer at this time of year
BUY A PAIR OF
SHOES
Ladies' Xovellv She.
$4.03, $5.90, $6.90, $3.90
STATIONERY
Fi:-v Chri;!!'
Il SIZI'!
and
"Jul
anii
'.' In A t -i
1.0c, IKc, 19c
...SLID
Se
Ladies' Staples $2.93. $3.?S j
;md ! ?
JJovs' Shoes. .$1.60, S1.S3 CiraiSTMAS
$2.25, $2.49, $2.69, $2.93 i JEWELR1
$3.25 and $3.5-?
(Jills' Shoes $1.49, $1.69
$1.89, $1.98, $2.25, $2S
' $2.69, S2.93, $3.25, $3.50
Infant's Shoes 39c, 59c, 9:5c
$1.19, $1.39 and. .'.31.49
iiovs' JJi-li Tops $'1.49
$2.98, JUHI...S3.9.?
Glen's Dress Shoes 552.93
$3.98, $4.93, $.S0, S3 .90 j
and $V7.i0
Kile
and
.Men's
j J Joys'
I iris'
j Child!
a
HAEDEERCHIEFS
!y the i'ox each Uox
earl).
:c, 39c, 49c, 69c
98c
25c, 49c
10c, 15c, 25c
. . . 19c, 25c, 49c, 69c
( ii's Ec, 10c, 15c, 19c
Cuff An'-.
( :.!'.' l.-ii;
an : .. .
Tie !';. s.
I !; : S
Ilea t:-V
T'z ! KIHONAS
."''?5L49 Ci;t;iu;s $1.19, $1-49, SL88
$1.19, $1.49, $1.69
. .492, 69c. 93c
i S5 A.o, 3 ' 're'ies
:i c!i-lS . . . .Sl.'JLl. 3 -v-"", v"..'",
?3.!:.Dail(l
.! i.it i'ins
.1 Jiaiir'ie.i,
.: !;:ii- i'in.-
f'iim 10::, 10c, Tv.
49c !
..ICo, 2jc, 49- !
.25c, 49c, 93c j
. . iGc, 25c, 49c
BUY A PAIR OP
SLIPPERS J
.Men s... $1.49, $1.9S,.;'MS
I5..vs' 59c, 79c,
Cirls" 49'.:, 59c, 69':, 99c
( "hildren's i'.'c '"-.c.
Ladi's' ....C. iZ-c. '
and !
B D i A
3 vYEATER
CHRISTMAS CARDS
l'ost Cards lc, 3c
(lift Cards 3c, 5c, 10c j
I , 1 j I t ' - !
iiciiicmoraiire arils . .oc i ,. . . ,
'""l 10s PURSE,?
Kcw Years Cards lc, 2c, 5c oC) $lJX i;'1.9'J.
Christinas Letters 5c, 10c and
"Get the Spirit5' Santa
'S
air
3 i
95c, 31.19. 1?1.49
i I .G" : 5
r.i i9. :;d aq. si.r." 5
' -, r ? r., 0.- 1
.. j . .- i. . , ov .; j, '. ( ;
rjMBK'ET,T..AS
MEN'S SILK
TIE3
. "Boar" Every
0:ac
if .i
S9c, 9Bc
CHRISTMAS
SETS
25c, 49c,
0"r
!( C. Ne .-.
Tie Seis 25c, 49c. 93c
'91.19, SJ.9D, S'ZS.Ci j Ihii:':' S"1s. . .25c, 49c, 98c
ii'i. -- $3.93 dewelrv Sets 43c, 98c
BUY HIM A SUIT
$9.90, $12,50, $14,75
MACKINAW3
Dovs'
$3.98, $4.98, '$5.90
Men's
$6.90, $7.99, $3.90
JERSEYS
$1.49, $1.9i
'I w.
TOYS' GIFTS
Tcel Chests. . . .93c, $1.43
and Sl'.98
Dnn.is 93c
69 e, 93c
49c, 93c
....49c
...$1.79
. . . .49c
1.49
.25c
.25c
.49c
Panama I )ri vers,
Toy Auto Carls.
Ere; -tor Sets . . .
Soldier lollies .
Soldier Sets 39c, 89c,
A'aier Ctins
J);;isy I'op (inns. . . .
Sieire Clllis
UNDERWEAR
98c, $1.40
'Two-piece
and .. . .
Cnions $1.25, $1.49
$1.93, $2.49, $2.93
and $3.93
LUNCH SETS
Dine- designs, 98c
TABLE LIHEWS
'er vard (.
$1.69 4i i i.l
$1.49
.$1.98
Kr.M)ed Halls lc, 5c, 10c
and ' -19c
itoliy I'ollies 19c, 25c
( "neeker ( (allies 25c
Paint -Hooks 2cc, 49c
Jioit:e Hnilders. . .49c, 5Dc
Sleds 89c, $1.49
Hloeks 10c, 19c
Pile :ru,:, 49c
Toy i io-x ICc, 25c
I-cjeisuil Watches.. .$1.35
$1.SU an I $1.75
Windsor Ties 25c
Hoys' Hosed Ddk'fs. .10c
Sidcuai'iiies 49c
Hatileships 49o
Ik,
i
it
ill . - . 1
T7l : ,
. . j.
Buy a Traveling Bug
for HIM or EER
Ha-s $5.90, Sfi.f.O
$7.90 and . . . .$3.99
Suit eases.. .98c, Sl.93
$2.93, $3.98, $4.93
$5.90, $6.90, $7.99
Hay a
BATHROBE
for I.'ir,T or HE.U-
C3
& knM oaop? oil
fV iii. re
Amas mora
if 0 Je ,
.$1.9:?,
J.;.d;.
S3.93
.Men's. .
$3.99, $1.9?,
Hoys- . . . .?1. 19,
Girls'
and
Chiliir i.'- $1.:9.
$1 (T ; i ' i. ( . . .
9, '.
91
,J
V. I
- :"..' - rv'V ; i ' .
fv
11'.
h
s
'"j '3
111 V ,
Buy a
BLANKET
for iml or HER
Cotton Hlankeis $1.49
$1.98 and . . . .$2.93,
Wool Hhmkels S3.93
$1.93, $5.90, $6.50
'. ?
j J. C. Penney Co,
Ha
sets 89c
.... 9sc
and
Coinfoits 1.69, $1.93
$2.49, $2.9?, 3.9'j
Buy a
RAINCOAT
f:-r IliM or HER
.Men's. . . .$2.93, $2
$4.93, $5.90, $6.90
$9.90, $1S.OO, $11.75
I .ai ic.s
$5.99,
, .$3.CS, $1.98
5-6.90, $3.90
.$1.98
.$3.98
Formerly The Unllcd Store
Jo i-. Per
, V A '
. reooey i,o. j
a
Formerly The United Store "
against, loll can discovor w!iy your rome wui:
I.. .11 ..r .
hi. never sunk i-n.l l.l.-w in. a sliil..i.'lIM"""l'',n """'u' ''' f . . "'
of Komrn nii.l chiMitm with a tm pt-.lo il,..sn't mntcriiiUy intfivst m.-. How- " 5 !'
from n pulniinriiir. vrr, I in" n vi-al sirt nii.l I'll tell
You i-.win wi-ll, l.ufif-r, l.ut V"" ; VilU 'vIl.lt j'H I'll vlay vnu a cime j
me a slow t.i-i Tio inr r. T:,',.p - wi-k - (( sl,(, w,Pl.r y,m alHliialo
iw ! ! I !', !.
V. 'n-flv's
"'iKi.: is th.'i -i
n;: llv ,
Wll.itKI.M
!!U- :-.t:
an.!
CHICHESTER .3 PILLS
TM l- J'T , -.liivtl II r, x
i '-J:' I UN in it.d i-l r.r-..: AV
vA t -i , .. .,,!, t..,, . .,.vy
I j ' j ,', 1 , ""' -fjHir V
" ' r SOtS BY" OniQOISTSVKM
th-tiir.-r
,
w ill xhnw you the timp of your lifo ' . ,.rnniirnt'
find you can mm what you n up 'u nrc w.-l.me l ' l '"'" 1,1
It .:iyn (o ailvortip.