Appeal Tribune Wednesday, December 21, 2016 3B
How five types of Oregon
drivers deal with … snow
wheels.
On fat bike with 20-
inch wide tires, you
cruised a landscape of
white, rolling through city
parks and over bridges
without fear. A commute
that took drivers 4 to 6
hours took you 30 min-
utes. And while, yes, you
did take a few spills on
treacherous patches of
ZACH URNESS
STATESMAN JOURNAL
Oregonians have once
again been brought low by
snow.
Whether it was Port-
land drivers averaging
five accidents per hour
during
Wednesday’s
snowstorm, or downtown
Salem morphing into a
parking lot, the recent
weather rendered a de-
cent percentage of the
Willamette Valley popula-
tion helpless.
This inability to handle
even a few inches of snow
on roadways has become
so common it’s almost cli-
ché. And in the aftermath,
the conversation always
seems to drift toward the
generally lacking skills of
Oregon motorists.
To make light of a chal-
lenging week we have cat-
aloged five specific types
of drivers on Oregon’s
roadways — and how they
deal with the dreaded
scourge of snowflakes.
We undertake this ex-
ercise purely in jest, in the
hope that a harmless bit of
self-deprecation — and
geographically-based
stereotyping — might al-
leviate the strain of
“Snowpocalypse 2016.”
We understand some of
you may come away in-
sulted, and if so, please di-
rect your criticism to re-
tired Statesman Journal
columnist Henry Miller
(fishergoob@gmail.com).
This column is a feeble at-
tempt to live up to his leg-
acy.
The Midwest
Transplant
You moved here from
Ohio, Michigan or Minne-
sota — or one of those
lesser states like Wiscon-
sin — and take great pride
in informing people that
you spent much of your
life driving on snow and
ice.
As such, you see items
such as chains or studded
tires as unnecessary and
even silly. You take every
opportunity to enlighten
coworkers of the harm-
lessness of a “few inches
of snow” and shake your
head in wonder at schools
that close based on weath-
er reports.
After all, when you’ve
grown up on a frozen tun-
ice, the 159 layers of cloth-
ing saved your from any
real damage.
Did you make it
home? Safe, sound and
with only a few broken
bones.
If you really want to
yell at the author, you can
reach him at zurness@
statesmanjournal.com.
ANNA REED/STATESMAN JOURNAL
Cars drive on Front St. NE as snow falls over Salem on Wednesday.
dra patrolled by wolves
and polar bears, where
the temperature only oc-
casionally breaks minus
20, storms like last
Wednesday’s are nothing
to be concerned about.
And while you do have
winter skills behind the
wheel, your arrogance
has led you to forget one
important fact: there are
things called “hills” and
“mountains” out West,
and when roads up them
are covered in ice, no
amount of turning into the
slide will save you from
calamity.
Did you make it
home? Alas, you were too
good for chains or trac-
tion tires, attempted to
cross ice-covered Marion
Street Bridge and slid
back to the bottom. A
friendly, well-equipped
Californian helped pull
you out of a snow bank.
Gigantic truck guy
You take the snow as a
personal challenge to
your manhood and drive
with all the delicacy of Ul-
timate Fighting champion
Conor McGregor. Your gi-
gantic truck and tires do
maneuver well on the
roads, but instead of using
this power responsibly,
you weave in and out of
traffic, gunning the en-
gine on the ice and weav-
ing into and out of fish-
tails.
From an open window,
you look upon the snow
with scorn and yell, “you
mad bra?!!” while whip-
ping circles in the parking
lots of grocery stores.
Did you make it
home? Two words: emer-
gency room.
Eighth-generation
Oregonian
When your forefathers
traversed the Oregon
Trail in covered wagons,
battling all manner or hos-
tiles and wild animals,
they survived because
they were prepared.
In that tradition, you
prepare for any and every
circumstance in foul
weather, putting chains
on your snow tires at the
first sign of snowfall and
stocking your car with
enough supplies to sur-
vive four to six months
(depending on calorie in-
take).
You don’t drive when
the roads are icy if possi-
ble, but if you do, your
hands are at the 10 and 2
position while taking each
corner with the skill of a
mountain man guiding his
trusty steed across the
Santiam Wagon Road.
Did you make it
home? Obviously. Just in
time to regale the chil-
dren with tales of great-
great-grandfather
Lee
and his struggle to settle
the Oregon Country.
California transplant
You’ve written lots of
poetry about snow and its
metaphysical
qualities
while sitting in a Bay Area
coffee bar. But actually
seen it? Not so much.
So when you decided to
relocate north — given
Portland’s status as the
new center of spiritual en-
ergy — the idea that snow
might arrive was an exis-
tentially pleasing thought
vibe.
It was, that is, until you
had to drive your Prius
through downtown Port-
land as snow covered the
roads.
You were against using
chains, of course, given
their impact on the envi-
ronment (a story on Face-
book said they imperil the
greater sage mouse). You
compensated by driving
down the well-plowed
road at roughly 5 MPH,
white knuckles on the
steering wheel.
Did you make it
home? See that car aban-
don on the side of the
road? Yup, you guessed it!
www.edwardjones.com
Member SIPC
LOCAL ADVISORS
Salem Area
Vin Searles
Keizer Area
Jeff Davis
Surrounding Area
Sheryl Resner Bridgette Justis
FINANCIAL ADVISOR FINANCIAL ADVISOR
FINANCIAL ADVISOR
FINANCIAL ADVISOR
South | 503-363-0445 Liberty | 503-581-8580 Keizer | 503-304-8641 Sublimity | 503-769-3180
Michael Wooters Garry Falor Mario Montiel
Tim Yount
FINANCIAL ADVISOR FINANCIAL ADVISOR
FINANCIAL ADVISOR
FINANCIAL ADVISOR
South | 503-362-5439 West | 503-588-5426 Keizer | 503-393-8166 Silverton | 503-873-2454
Derek Gilbert Chip Hutchings
Walt Walker
FINANCIAL ADVISOR FINANCIAL ADVISOR
Commercial | 503-362-9699 Lancaster | 503-585-4689
FINANCIAL ADVISOR
Stayton | 503-769-4902
Caitlin Davis Tim Sparks
FINANCIAL ADVISOR FINANCIAL ADVISOR
West | 503-585-1464 Commercial | 503-370-6159
Snow biker
You outsmarted every-
body.
Instead of joining the
polluting heathens stuck
in snowstorm gridlock,
you saved both time and
the environment with a
snowy commute on two
OR-0000382346
" "- # #& &&
'#,&
/#+&
"-
#!
+&" & #& /#+& ".* ,
VLOYHUWRQDSSHDOFRP
+*#"' $*' '&,' '*+
**'!"#+&" %#!( '''
" $&"* "'/ *&#+ +"/
TRUST THE HOMETOWN EXPERTS AT SILVERTON REALTY
SERVING THE
EAST VALLEY SINCE 1975
Marcia Branstetter
Broker, GRI
873-3545 ext. 318
Mary Cam
Broker
503-873-3545 ext. 320
Micha Christman
Offi ce Manager
503-873-1425
Becky Craig
Broker
873-3545 ext. 313
Desaree Parks
Angela Halbirt-Lopez
Broker
Broker
503-873-3545 ext. 326
503-999-0245
Michael Schmidt
Broker, GRI
873-3545 ext. 314
Ryan Wertz
Broker
873-3545 ext. 322
Meredith Wertz
Broker, GRI
873-3545 ext. 324
Chuck White
Broker
873-3545 ext. 325
Christina Williamson
Broker
873-3545 ext. 315
Mason Branstetter
Principal Broker, GRI
873-3545 ext. 303
SILVERTON
SALEM
SILVERTON
SILVERTON
SILVERTON
SILVERTON
#A2316
PRIVATE & SECLUDED
4 BR, 4 BA 82.000
ACRES CALL MARCIA AT EXT. 318
$799,000 (WVMLS#706727)
#A2313
LARGE CORNER LOT
4 BR, 2.5 BA 1805 SQFT.
CALL BECKY AT EXT. 313
$259,000 (WVMLS#712565)
#A2366
DESIRABLE AREA
3 BR, 2 BA 1859 SQFT.
CALL DESAREE AT EXT. 326
$348,000 (WVMLS#712581)
#A2365
BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY SETTING
2 BR, 2 BA 1742 SQFT.
CALL MARY AT EXT. 320
$330,000 (WVMLS#712560)
#A2341
2 HOMES ON 2 ACRES
3 BR, 2 BA 1367 SQFT. 2.630 ACRES
CALL CHUCK AT EXT. 325
$549,900 (WVMLS#709561)
#A2354
3 HOME INVESTMENT PROPERTY
4 BR, 3 BA 1776 SQFT
CALL MARCIA AT EXT. 318
$449,000 (WVMLS#711358)
SALEM
SILVERTON
NEW-SALEM
MT. ANGEL
SILVERTON
SILVERTON
#A2311
HOWELL PRAIRIE FARM
3 BR 2 BA 26.77 ACRES.
CALL CHUCK AT EXT. 325
$549,900 (WVMLS#706154)
#A2359
CRAFTSMAN STYLE HOME
3 BR, 2.5 BA 2381 SQFT
CALL ANGELA AT EXT. 312
$349,900 (WVMLS#711861)
#A2367
BRAND NEW HOME
4 BR, 2.5 BA 2082 SQFT.
CALL MARY AT EXT. 320
$309,900 (WVMLS#712774)
#A2326
PLENTY OF ROOM
5 BR, 2 BA 2354 SQFT.
CALL MARY AT EXT. 320,
ANGELA AT EXT. 312
$267,000 (WVMLS#708384)
#A2333
LARGE CITY LOT
.510 ACRES
CALL MICHAEL AT EXT. 314
$99,000 (WVMLS#709098)
#A2356
WONDERFUL LOCATION
2 BR, 1.5 BA 1116 SQFT
CALL MARCIA AT EXT. 318
$199,500 (WVMLS#711736)
Brokers licensed in Oregon
WWW.SILVERTONREALTY.COM | 303 OAK STREET | SILVERTON
Call us today! 503.873.3545 | 1-800-863-3545
FOR RENT
Call Micha
at 503-873-1425
or see them on our website.
