Appeal Tribune Wednesday, December 21, 2016 3B How five types of Oregon drivers deal with … snow wheels. On fat bike with 20- inch wide tires, you cruised a landscape of white, rolling through city parks and over bridges without fear. A commute that took drivers 4 to 6 hours took you 30 min- utes. And while, yes, you did take a few spills on treacherous patches of ZACH URNESS STATESMAN JOURNAL Oregonians have once again been brought low by snow. Whether it was Port- land drivers averaging five accidents per hour during Wednesday’s snowstorm, or downtown Salem morphing into a parking lot, the recent weather rendered a de- cent percentage of the Willamette Valley popula- tion helpless. This inability to handle even a few inches of snow on roadways has become so common it’s almost cli- ché. And in the aftermath, the conversation always seems to drift toward the generally lacking skills of Oregon motorists. To make light of a chal- lenging week we have cat- aloged five specific types of drivers on Oregon’s roadways — and how they deal with the dreaded scourge of snowflakes. We undertake this ex- ercise purely in jest, in the hope that a harmless bit of self-deprecation — and geographically-based stereotyping — might al- leviate the strain of “Snowpocalypse 2016.” We understand some of you may come away in- sulted, and if so, please di- rect your criticism to re- tired Statesman Journal columnist Henry Miller (fishergoob@gmail.com). This column is a feeble at- tempt to live up to his leg- acy. The Midwest Transplant You moved here from Ohio, Michigan or Minne- sota — or one of those lesser states like Wiscon- sin — and take great pride in informing people that you spent much of your life driving on snow and ice. As such, you see items such as chains or studded tires as unnecessary and even silly. You take every opportunity to enlighten coworkers of the harm- lessness of a “few inches of snow” and shake your head in wonder at schools that close based on weath- er reports. After all, when you’ve grown up on a frozen tun- ice, the 159 layers of cloth- ing saved your from any real damage. Did you make it home? Safe, sound and with only a few broken bones. If you really want to yell at the author, you can reach him at zurness@ statesmanjournal.com. ANNA REED/STATESMAN JOURNAL Cars drive on Front St. NE as snow falls over Salem on Wednesday. dra patrolled by wolves and polar bears, where the temperature only oc- casionally breaks minus 20, storms like last Wednesday’s are nothing to be concerned about. And while you do have winter skills behind the wheel, your arrogance has led you to forget one important fact: there are things called “hills” and “mountains” out West, and when roads up them are covered in ice, no amount of turning into the slide will save you from calamity. Did you make it home? Alas, you were too good for chains or trac- tion tires, attempted to cross ice-covered Marion Street Bridge and slid back to the bottom. A friendly, well-equipped Californian helped pull you out of a snow bank. Gigantic truck guy You take the snow as a personal challenge to your manhood and drive with all the delicacy of Ul- timate Fighting champion Conor McGregor. Your gi- gantic truck and tires do maneuver well on the roads, but instead of using this power responsibly, you weave in and out of traffic, gunning the en- gine on the ice and weav- ing into and out of fish- tails. From an open window, you look upon the snow with scorn and yell, “you mad bra?!!” while whip- ping circles in the parking lots of grocery stores. Did you make it home? Two words: emer- gency room. Eighth-generation Oregonian When your forefathers traversed the Oregon Trail in covered wagons, battling all manner or hos- tiles and wild animals, they survived because they were prepared. In that tradition, you prepare for any and every circumstance in foul weather, putting chains on your snow tires at the first sign of snowfall and stocking your car with enough supplies to sur- vive four to six months (depending on calorie in- take). You don’t drive when the roads are icy if possi- ble, but if you do, your hands are at the 10 and 2 position while taking each corner with the skill of a mountain man guiding his trusty steed across the Santiam Wagon Road. Did you make it home? Obviously. Just in time to regale the chil- dren with tales of great- great-grandfather Lee and his struggle to settle the Oregon Country. California transplant You’ve written lots of poetry about snow and its metaphysical qualities while sitting in a Bay Area coffee bar. But actually seen it? Not so much. So when you decided to relocate north — given Portland’s status as the new center of spiritual en- ergy — the idea that snow might arrive was an exis- tentially pleasing thought vibe. It was, that is, until you had to drive your Prius through downtown Port- land as snow covered the roads. You were against using chains, of course, given their impact on the envi- ronment (a story on Face- book said they imperil the greater sage mouse). You compensated by driving down the well-plowed road at roughly 5 MPH, white knuckles on the steering wheel. Did you make it home? See that car aban- don on the side of the road? 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