Oregon Daily Emerald
Monday, October 18, 2004
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Bret Furtwancler | Graphics editor
■ In my opinion
Gas-guzzlers to the Rescue
Top 10 Reasons to Buy
a Hummer, Truck or SUV
10. With an array of exciting fea
tures, these all-terrain vehicles are
sure to be an important amenity for
every one of those dangerous, off
road excursions you’ll be taking in the
suburbs. Wide tread wheels! Under
body protection! Stop the car! That
lawn over there has a spot that’s not
perfectly manicured! Let’s go run
down their house with this kick-ass
four-wheel drive!
9. When you pull up next to a ride
full of sweet honeys and rev your en
gine, no one will question the size of
your “trombone.” Band members, get
yours now.
8. Rest assured, you’re helping to
pad the pockets of the Bush Adminis
tration through their ties with Hal
liburton. Every gallon of gas you pur
chase is another reason that this
administration will never want to in
vestigate the possibility of fuel cells,
an extremely dangerous concept. Ve
hicles fueled on water that expel noth
ing but water? What will roadside
birds oil themselves up with if we
have only H2O dripping from our
tailpipes?
7. The parking game will become
ten times more fun once your car
can’t squeeze into regular spaces. You
won’t be able to fit unless you’re tak
ing up one whole spot and just
enough of a second to prevent anyone
else from parking there. This should
be especially fun in those spacious
University parking lots; prepare for
myriad friendly notes on the dash
from helpful students letting you
AILEE SLATER
FURTHER FROM PERFECTION
know exactly where you can shove
your vehicle the next time you en
counter a parking problem.
6.1 bet you think that you are only
eligible for a tax break if you do some
scummy Peace Corps work or donate
your liver to an alcoholic Taiwanese
ferret, right? Wrong! As it turns out,
our government is currently in the
habit of rewarding blatant disregard
for the environment. The Environ
mental Protection Agency is encour
aged to send complimentary cham
pagne with every environmental
violation notice. Congratulations!
You’ve taken another 50 years off the
life of the earth! Please enjoy this
lovely brie basket as a token of our
appreciation. Buy a car above 6,000
pounds today, claim it as a business
expense and prepare for a $25,000 tax
break tomorrow.
5. In the competition to beat Euro
peans at being complete idiots, the
U.S. is already pulling ahead with ab
stinence-only education and freedom
fries. Don’t let your country lose this
lead! Only with improbably and un
necessarily large vehicles can we
challenge environmentally friendly
‘smart’ cars. We need to come togeth
er as a nation and say “No! ” to phan
tom parkers. Hey, that one’s open!
Wait ... damn! Not another stupid
Mini Cooper!
4. The more gas you buy, the more
“black gold” the U.S. purchases from
international oil mongers. Support de
pendence on foreign oil and force
American politicians to work harder
to find creative excuses for invading
the Middle East. We’re definitely not
invading to get their oil. We’re attack
ing because, uh, Cat Stevens! They’re
harboring Cat Stevens!
3. If not purchased from foreign
sources, oil can also be drilled in the
Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge. Al
though some claim that.this may
harm a pristine national park, every
one knows that the caribou in Alaska
love it when we replace their habitats
with oil wells; how do you think they
stay warm in the wintertime? By
snuggling up against oil-filled
pipelines, that’s how. Every SUV you
purchase is another virtual fireplace
for these and other such woodland
creatures.
2. When you’re not busy assem
bling fake crime scenes involving
empty milk cartons, dull knives and
ketchup, take a few minutes out of
your busy day to deplete the ozone
layer by driving around a gas-guz
zling monster car. After all, how will
we ever be able to reach the pearly
gates of heaven if we don’t first de
stroy that dense, protective layer of O3
molecules?
1. We all know that there are some
times when you just need to fit your
second car completely inside your
first one.
aileeslater@dailyemerald. com
ONLINE POLL
Is the United States appropriately addressing the war on terrorism?
Visit www dailyemerald.com to vote.
Ves - The Department of Homeland Security and the USA Patriot Act have made Americans safer.
Yes - Imprisoning Saddam Hussein was worth invading Iraq, even if there were no weapons of mass
destruction.
No - Invading Iraq has drawn the focus away from more important goals in the war on terrorism.
No - The United States has done more harm than good and has indirectly helped foster more
terrorist activities.
Undecided.
' ' ' ' '
EDITORIAL BOARD
Jennifer Sudick
Editor in Chief
David Jagemauth
Editorial Editor
Steven R. Neuman
Managing Editor
Gabe Bradley
Freelance Editor
■ Editorial
Top 10
Presidential
Debates
Distortions
10. The middle 95 percent, 1 mean. In the final
debate Bush said that “Most of the tax cuts went
to low- and middle-income Americans.” In truth
53 percent of the tax cuts went to the most afflu
ent 10 percent. The bottom 60 percent got 13.7
percent of the tax cut.
9. Going straight to Pell. John Kerry accused
the Bush administration of cutting Pell Grants. In
truth, Pell Grants increased by 1.3 million under
Bush, and spending for Pell Grants increased by
nearly 60 percent. The maximum grant has also
risen from $3,300 to $4,050.
8. Who’s your Osama? Kerry claimed that
Bush said, “1 don’t really think about (bin Laden)
very much. I’m not that concerned.” Bush denied
making that statement. TVuth is, Bush did make
that statement during a March 13, 2002, press
conference.
7. Too good to be true. Bush claimed that Kerry
said he would have troops out of Iraq in six
months. Kerry supporters wish he had said such
a thing, but alas, Kerry isn’t Dean.
6. When all else fails, just make stuff up. Kerry
said the New York subway had to be closed dur
ing the Republican Convention, which was news
to the New York Transit Authority.
5. Saddam still hasn’t disarmed. Bush said he
abandoned the UN inspections process because
“Saddam Hussein had no intention of disarm
ing. ” How dare Saddam not disarm the weapons
he didn’t have.
4. When all else fails, take credit for what you
didn’t do. Bush claimed that he increased spend
ing for countering nuclear proliferation “by 35
percent.” Well, he actually proposed a 13-percent
cut; Congress is responsible for the increases.
Bush did a similar thing with the Department of
Homeland Security, which he didn’t support for
nine months before (excuse the expression)
flip-flopping.
3. Kerry’s questionable accounting. There is
one thing the debates taught us about Kerry; He
ain’t good with numbers. He claimed the admin
istration spent hundreds of millions on bunker
busting nuclear weapons. Actually, less than $35
million has been spent but $500 million was set
aside for future spending, though it has not been
approved by Congress. Kerry said Bush lost our
$5.6 trillion surplus. That number is based on a
dubious 10-year projected surplus; the actual sur
plus in 2000 was $236 billion.
2. Bush’s soul-crushing optimism. All through
the debates Bush has refused to say one negative
word about the situation in Iraq, except to ac
knowledge over and over again that, “It is hard
work.” Being that optimistic requires hard work
but it also requires a great deal of distortion.
Bush mentioned that, “We’re spending recon
struction money,” but Deputy Secretary of State
Richard Armitage testified that only $1.2 billion
of the $18 billion appropriated had been spent.
And billions of dollars earmarked for the recon
struction are either unaccounted for or inade
quately accounted for, according to a new U.N.
audit.
Bush had a “read my lips” moment when he
declared that elections in Iraq would occur in Jan
uary, when even Rumsfeld has suggested that it
would be imperfect at best. Speaking of imperfect
elections, Bush said that “10 million registered to
vote in Afghanistan.” Right, except for the fact
that there was widespread multiple registration
of voters, according to Human Rights Watch.
1. Cheney screws up worse than Bush! As you
heard here first (if you first missed it everywhere
else) Cheney mistakenly endorsed
www.factcheck.com during the vice presidential
debate, a Web site that was transferring people to
an anti-Bush Web site. Cheney meant to say
www.factcheck.org, which, by the way, is our
primary source for this article.