■ Editorial
And the
scripted
award
goes to...
Since presidential politics has be
come little more than an over-hyped
example of show biz at its most dis
reputable, the Emerald would like to
present the following awards for ex
cellence in political info-tainment to
the participants of the first 2004 Pres
idential Debate and the media circus
that surrounded it:
• The Hippest Talking Head Award
goes to former Secretary of State
Madeleine Albright for using the word
“dissed” when discussing foreign poli
cy with CNN’s Anderson Cooper.
• The Best ‘Up Yours’ Award goes
to the television stations that broadcast
reaction shots despite provisions in the
ridiculously stodgy “Memorandum of
Understanding” that directly forbade it.
• The Slow News Day Award goes
to the overwhelming media coverage
of the height of the podiums and the
dimensions of the stools.
• The Two Snaps Up Award goes
to the wardrobe consultant who
made sure the candidates wore coor
dinated ties.
• The Softest Softball Question
Award: "What colossal misjudg
ments, in your opinion, has President
Bush made in these areas?” Jim
Lehrer might as well have asked,
“Mr. Kerry, would you please level
any attack on your opponent?”
• The Most Obvious Use of a
Word of the Day Calendar Award
goes to George W. Bush for, "... That’s
why they’re fighting so vociferously.”
• The Phrase With the Most Po
tential to Be Tlirned Into a Dirty
Joke Award goes to John Kerry for
using the term “backdoor draft.”
• The ‘Is This Thing On?’ Award
goes to George W. Bush for telling
jokes despite the fact that the audi
ence was not allowed to laugh.
Among his biggest flops was, “Well,
actually, he forgot Poland.”
• The ‘Did They Seriously Just
Mention Vietnam Again?’ Award
goes to John Kerry, who alluded to
Vietnam at least five times compared
to Bush’s single reference.
• The ‘You Graduated from Yale?’
Award goes to Kerry for suggesting
we have a “fresh start” in war, to
which his constituency would like to
see a fresh end.
• The ‘Thank Goodness Umms,
Ahs and Awkward Pauses Don’t
Appear in the Debate Transcripts’
Award most definitely goes to ... uh
... ah ... umm ... Bush.
• The Most Rehashing of a Con
vention Speech Award was close,
but Kerry won by a nose with, “I de
fended this country as a young man
at war, and I will defend it as presi
dent of the United States.”
• The Giving “Saturday Night
Live” Even More Fodder to Mock
Your Image Award is a tie. Kerry
oozed an elitist arrogance that made
the whole debate seem like an Ad
dams Family spin-off series called “Mr.
Lurch Goes to Washington,” while
Bush looked like a stun-gunned chim
panzee that desperately needed to get
to a Toastmasters meeting.
EDITORIAL BOARD
Jennifer Sudick Steven R. Neuman
Editor in Chief Managing Editor
David Jagernauth
Editorial Editor
Gabe Bradley
Freelance Editor
Jared Paben
News Editor
Jagemauth: Non-votes for Kerry kill the Progressive Party
Continued from page 2A
to fight for what is right when it could
weaken them politically, then what
good are they? Who cares what they
say or think when they aren’t willing
to act on those beliefs or take responsi
bility for their horrendous votes?
Now the Greens for Kerry — yel
low Greens as I call them — have
conspired with the Democrats to de
stroy the progressive movement
from within. I’ve watched the man
who best represents my beliefs and
values, Ralph Nader, kicked off the
ballot in Oregon and unfairly at
tacked from the left.
When honkey-donkeys blame
Nader for what happened in 2000,
it is a slap in the face to the black
community. Your outrage, progres
sive America, is misplaced, as usu
al. Part of President George W.
Bush’s legacy, win or lose, will be
that he set back the progressive
movement at least a decade. And
what has the progressive move
ment gained by falling on its
sword?
According to Congressional
Quarterly, Kerry supported Bush
on 65 percent of votes in 2001, in
cluding the USA PATRIOT Act,
which he still supports. I guess in a
vote between 100 percent evil and
65 percent evil, the choice is clear.
And although Kerry supported
Bush in 72 percent of the votes in
2002, he became significantly less
evil after he started running for
president. In 2003, he dipped into
the 30-percent range. And this year,
he basically stopped voting alto
gether, participating in only 11 per
cent of the votes, as of the middle
of July.
Unlike A1 Gore, I will not be
grudge those who choose to sit this
election out or "throw their vote
away” on Ralph Nader or any can
didate who represents their beliefs.
Nor will I waste an ounce of energy
praising Kerry. If he is elected, 1
will give a sigh of relief, but I will
not join my peers in celebration —
1 will not even crack a smile.
Instead, I will start down that
long road toward rebuilding
the progressive movement, at
every step, reminding my peers
what a terrible mistake they have
made by hitching their wagon to
John Kerry’s star.
davidjagemmith@ daily emerald, com
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