Oregon Daily Emerald
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
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ij® '' Then predicted Bin Laden
y w°u,d be caPtured s°me ume in the Fai1
^r|‘l||l oh How do you solve a problem like Teresa;
How do you nail Jell-O to a wall?
■ In my opinion
Ketch-ing up politics
“You don’t support Democrats.
Why should your ketchup?”
That's the slogan for W Ketchup,
the all-American counter-ketchup
out for regime change. More and
more people are offered the choice of
putting their money where their
mouth is when it comes to support
ing political causes. According to
www.wketchup.com, 5 percent of
every sale of W Ketchup goes into
the pockets of the Freedom Alliance
Scholarship Fund. The alternative is
supporting “Teresa Heinz and her
liberal causes.”
Well, technically, Teresa Heinz
owns only 4 percent of Heinz shares,
and the Heinz company donated all
but $500 of its $22,000 campaign con
tributions to Republicans this year, ac
cording to financial documents, but
let’s not quibble.
The point is that we are facing an
all-out political food fight. It's free
dom fries vs. French fries, and the
blows are all below the belt.
An on-air taste test on “Good
Morning America” between Heinz
and W resulted in a W victory, as the
ketchup was judged “more conserva
tive with a sweeter, more compassion
ate taste. ” Bottles of W Ketchup are $3
apiece and come decorated with
George Washington's face. That’s
what the W stands for, in case you
were thinking it was an overt cam
paign ad or something.
No, Bill Zachary declares he runs a
strictly nonpartisan ketchup, defining
himself as strictly middle-road. This
was demonstrated by statements to
the Talon News Web site: “Hopefully,
with our combined efforts, we can en
sure that, in November, Teresa Heinz
Kerry's G-5 ... lands in the People's
Republic of Taxachusetts, and not An
drews Air Force Base,” the clearly
neutral centrist said.
Unfortunately for Zachary, W
Ketchup has its own conservative
JENNIFER MCBRIDE
QUASHING DISSENT
competition, and it is certainly sauci
er. Some Republicans are seeing red
because W Ketchup isn’t pro-Bush
enough. Writes Patrick Spero, co
founder of Bush Country Ketchup: “W
Ketchup appears to be trying to have
it every which way, engaging in Kerry
esque flip-flopping and capitalizing on
conservatives’ affectionate use of Pres
ident Bush’s middle initial.”
Bush Country Ketchup is the true
ketchup for conservatives. As “The
Official Ketchup of Right-Thinking
Americans,” the “100-percent con
servative condiment” purports to
help consumers “relish” four more
years of Bush and leave “Democrats
in a pickle.” A little pricier than the
competition at $5.99 per bottle, Bush
Country Ketchup boasts “unlike
John Kerry ... every bottle of Bush
Country Ketchup is consistently
good.” And unlike W Ketchup, the
creators donate 15 percent of their
gross profits to Republican groups,
thus Bush Country’s claim that it is
the only ketchup that ensures “Kerry
won’t ‘ketchup’ to Dubya.”
And they say Republicans don’t
have a sense of humor.
Food wars don’t stop with condi
ments, however. Many conservatives
are looking for other ways to give
Democrats their just desserts. Con
servative lobbyist Richard Lessner
created Star Spangled Ice Cream as
an alternative to the liberal-leaning
founders of Ben & Jerry’s, who spent
this summer on the road burning
Bush in effigy. Well, Bush’s pants in
effigy, technically speaking. Liar,
liar, pants on fire? Get it?
Star Spangled flavors include: 1
Hate the French Vanilla, Smaller Gov
ernMint, Nutty Environmentalist,
Choc and Awe, Iraqi Road, Rushmal
low and Gun Nut (officially endorsed
by weapon enthusiast Ted Nugent).
Ben & Jerry’s came up with a sim
ilar idea during the Democratic pri
maries. Maple-Powered Howard was
only sold in Vermont, so you may
have missed it. Personally, I'd like to
see someone marketing “Vice-Presi
dent Dick Cheney's Undisclosed Fla
vor,” or super-small servings of
“What Middle-Class Americans Got
From Their Tax Cuts,” or even,
“Bush's Neapolitan Complex: Spe
cial Iraqi Edition! Watch as the clear
cut flavors melt together, resembling
an indistinguishable, inescapable
mush!” Mmin, I’d liberate that deli
cacy from its tyrannical carton,
that’s for sure.
Oddly enough, I found Kerry didn’t
have a flavor. Yes, I know that was a
tasteless joke.
Personally, if I wanted to support
a candidate, I’d skip the middleman
and donate my money directly.
Why donate 10 percent when you
can give 100? But if you are interest
ed in shopping companies that sup
port your causes, albeit in a less
comical manner, www.opense
crets.org has a soft money search
that will tell you that, for example,
Costco funds more Democrats, and
Safeway more Republicans.
But enough of that. The question
I’m dying to know is: What ketchup
could you find at a Bush family bar
becue? Taylor Gross of the White
House media relations office said,
“We don't release that information
because we don’t want to advertise
for anybody.”
I'm guessing that means Heinz.
jennifermcbride@dailyemerald.com
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■ Editorial
Showtime:
The debates
must go on
The first of three scheduled debates between
President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry
will be televised on Thursday. If you are expect
ing a rousing, confrontational battle of wits, you
are sure to be disappointed. This so-called de
bate is a fraud — a bipartisan political stunt bet
ter described as a side-by-side press conference
than an argument over ideas.
We feel the rules shaping presidential de
bates should be radically restructured to pro
vide the public with a true forum for choosing
the best person to lead the free world.
Ironically, the debates are the one time dur
ing the election that the two major parties work
together as one, united in their common goal of
disenfranchising third-party candidates and
protecting their carefully constructed images.
This directly conflicts with the will and inter
ests of the voter. According to a recent Zogby
poll, 57 percent of Americans feel that Ralph
Nader should participate in the televised de
bates. An even greater percentage of Republi
cans and Independents (62 percent) believe
that Nader should appear.
The collusion between the two major parties
is designed to stifle debate, not encourage it.
Every four years both campaigns negotiate and
sign a “Memorandum of Understanding,”
which regulates every detail of the debate from
the heights of the podiums to the angles of the
TV cameras. In the past this document has
been kept secret, but this year, after intense
pressure, the ridiculous 31-page agreement was
released to the media. Here are a few highlights:
• “The candidates may not ask each
other direct questions, but may ask rhetorical
questions;”
• “The candidates shall not address each oth
er with proposed pledges;”
• “No props, notes, charts, diagrams, or other
writings or other tangible things may be
brought into the debate;”
• “At no time during these debates shall ei
ther candidate move from their designated
area;”
• “The candidates shall shake hands.”
The debates will be held in front of a live stu
dio audience, though the audience members will
be instructed “not to applaud, speak, or other
wise participate in the debate by any means other
than by silent observation.” Sounds more like a
dead studio audience than a live one.
The only person allowed to participate is the
moderator, who was agreed upon by both cam
paigns, and is responsible for preparing ques
tions ahead of time. Even during the second de
bate, which will employ a “town hall” style, the
audience questions must first be approved by
the moderator. Audience members who devi
ate from their prepared approved question will
have their microphones turned off.
As in years past, this process ensures that im
portant questions will remain unasked. And even
if important questions are asked, the short prede
termined time limits for answers will ensure that
memorized one-liners and talking points rule the
day, not insightful, in-depth discussion.
These are not the conditions for real debate.
The Commission on Presidential Debates is do
ing a terrible disservice to our democracy. In the
absence of engaging debate, the public will be
forced to choose between two men that have
said as little of substance as possible and let
others do their dirty work.
We need more debates. Third-party
candidates with adequate support, such as
Ralph Nader, should be allowed to participate.
The public should be allowed to ask
unvetted questions about any topic. And the
candidates should be free to ask direct ques
tions of each other.