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April Foolery
Spring brings blockbuster films
2004’s blockbuster season
kicks off with ‘Hellboy/
‘Walking Tall’ and The Alamo'
By Ryan Nyburg
Senior Pulse Reporter
Spring is upon us once again, mean
ing that Hollywood is about to kick off
its big movie season. Soon we will feast
upon a bountiful harvest of multimil
lion-dollar mania and drink from the
bottomless well of visual stimuli until
our bleedin' heads explode. Here is a
preview of upcoming releases, written
under duress by a battered and fragile
intellect that could hardly handle all
the excitement.
Opening tomorrow is "I lellboy," a
comic book adaptation of such ac
tion-packed spectacularness that it
will probably make most critics wet
their pants with joy. It stars Ron Perl
man as a special effect, as well as a de
lightful cast of Nazis. Also opening to
morrow is "Dogville," a moving,
feel-good comedy that stars Nicole
Kidman. "WalkingTall," a remake of
a Joe Don Baker movie, will be open
ing as well. It stars The Rock as a man
filled with an uncontrollable lust for
lumber. This flick promises to be the
breakout romance of the season.
April 9 brings the release of "The
Turn to MOVIES, page 11
Eric Layton Illustrator
Music world hit by April Fools’
Keeping up with the ever-changing
world of entertainment can be diffi
cult. So, for brevity's sake, here are the
top ten (fake) headlines in the music
world this week:
1. Dashboard Confessional is hold
ing a seminar tomorrow on being
"emo." The conference, held in singer
Chris Carrabba's basement, will teach
anyone who is interested in express
ing their inner confusion, turmoil and
breakup misery how to do so proper
ly. Some of the highlights include:
Finding that perfect black skin-tight T
shirt that truly expresses your inex
pressible pain, how to steal your dad's
hom-rimmed glasses and learning the
best words that rhyme with "hurt" so
that you can strum sad songs on your
acoustic guitar for that girl or boy who
just dumped your sad ass.
2. In August, Kom will be releasing
a "Best Of' album, featuring an unre
leased track called "Anger." The song,
glorified by fans through KaZaA, has
lead singer Jonathan Davis breaking
wind for a miraculous 12 minutes
and 36 seconds while the rest of the
band punches and kicks their instru
ments around the studio.
3. Nickelback has canceled its tour
due to the fact that the band sucks.
Carl Sundberg
Reasoning with madness
4. This week, Tupac Shakur releas
es yet another album from the grave
entitled "Zombie Christ." Guests on
the album include Kurt Cobain,
Marvin Gaye and Elvis Presley.
Shakur's publicist denies that the al
bum was recorded recently in a se
cret underground complex in New
Mexico, but eyewitnesses from the
region report seeing the four "dead"
stars traveling in a Dodge minivan
with sunglasses on.
5. Courtney Love was found in a ho
tel room Monday night doing coke off
the stomach of The Darkness bassist
Frankie Poullain. When asked about
the incident, Poullain replied, "Livin'
the dream, man. Livin' the dream."
Love simply stated, "bleehssfhc
chthmppchhsshh..." and then tripped
and fell into a puddle of mud.
6. Speaking of which, Puddle of
Mudd is set to release a new album
with singer Wesley Scantlin breaking
wind into a microphone for a whop
ping 13 minutes and 12 seconds,
while the rest of the band punches
and kicks their instruments around
the studio. When asked if they were
ripping off the song by Korn, Scant
lin replied, "I'm allergic to corn. I
only eat meat." The reporter's head
then melted.
7. Last night, American Idol star
Clay Aiken was seen leaving a Holiday
Inn in Los Angeles with 14 strippers,
a live chicken and 18 pounds of hash.
When Aiken was asked about the situ
ation, he smiled widely, looked far
out into space, and said, "This is what
being an idol is all about."
8. The Strokes lead singer Julian
Casablanca ironically died of a mas
sive stroke Monday night while writ
ing a song called, "Maybe this is it."
9. Following the recent trend of
same-sex marriages, Britney Spears on
Tuesday married Madonna in Holly
wood, Calif. When asked if this was
just a publicity stunt, Spears quickly
said, "No way. Ever since that kiss at
the awards show, I've been in love
Turn to SUNDBERG, page 11
It's Time! '
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...great events.
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ISSViS, MO PifiFJHMMCt events
Open house: Tuesday, April I3to
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UNIVERSITY (it DR ROOM
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now open for
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