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Thursday, January 29,2004
Oregon Daily Emerald
COMMENTARY
Editor in Chief:
Brad Schmidt
Managing Editor
Jan Tobias Montiy
Editorial Editor:
Travis Willse
Quacks
& smacks
Quacks to the Charles H. Lundquist College of Busi
ness for incorporating students' opinions into the selec
tion process for the school's new dean. It is only fair and
sensible to include the viewpoints of those who will be
directly affected by the choice.
Smacks to the federal deficit being $ 1 trillion worse
than predicted in August, and to the budget monkeys
who made the gross numerical estimations. For refer
ence, written out, that's $1,000,000,000,000.
Quacks to NASA for successfully landing its second
spacecraft on Mars. Fewer than half of Mars missions
have been successful, but this mission's success has pro
duced stunning images from another world.
Smacks to President Bush for hinting at a federal
marriage amendment in his State of the Union address.
Not only is the Constitution the wrong place to define a
marriage policy, but the specific language of the cur
rently-in-progress amendment looks like a step back
ward for tolerance.
Quacks to $3 pitchers at Sakura. Enough said.
Smacks to former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean for
making a fool of himself at the Iowa caucus. His "I Have
a Scream" speech, however impassioned, is a step back
ward for decorum in the political forum.
Quacks to University physics graduate student Brian
Stubbs for challenging an evidently illegitimate Oregon
University System policy banning concealed handguns
on campus, even among concealed handgun license
holders.
Smacks to the more than 500 American deaths in
Iraq. The casualties are mounting, but successes in the
region don't seem to be keeping pace in recent months.
Quacks to the EMU's Erb Essentials for stocking Coca
Cola. Now that the mart's exclusive contract with Pepsi
Co Inc. expired, students have more options in at least
one more way.
Smacks to Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, and the
Rev. A1 Sharpton for not having yet dropped out of the
Democratic presidential nomination race. Bottoming
out in the polls and finishing poorly in both the Iowa
caucus and the New Hampshire primary, they're con
tributing less to democracy than they would as public
figures outside the race.
Quacks to Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., for rising out of
the second tier of candidates and winning both of the
major nomination contests to date. It goes to show that
media attention isn't everything, and that voting is still
absolutely critical to the democratic process.
Smacks to shoddy prewar intelligence. David Kay, the
former top U.S. weapons inspector in Iraq, told the Sen
ate Intelligence Committee that, although it's possible
that stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction will be
found, it is "highly unlikely."
EDITORIAL POLICY
This editorial represents the opinion of the Emerald
editorial board. Responses can be sent to letters
@dailyemerald.com. Letters to the editor and guest
commentaries are encouraged. Letters are limited
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Authors are limited to one submission per calendar
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to edit for space, grammar and style.
EDITORIAL BOARD
Brad Schmidt Travis Willse
Editor in Chief Editorial Editor
Jan Tobias Montry Jennifer Sudick
Managing Editor Freelance Editor
Ayisha Yahya
News Editor
Steve Baggs Illustrator
The anti-Bush
Many people have asked me after reading
my column, whether or not I do drugs. That
is a fair question and the answer is no. Sure
I'm usually drunk when I write but I refuse
to take drugs, even marijuana, because I
know that it could destroy my life
For example, if you smoke marijuana I
know that you will eventually get raped,
shoot your best friend in the head, run
over a small child with your car, drown a
completely different child in a pool and
give material support to al-Qaida.
I learned this, as I leam most things,
from watching television commercials. For
the last five years the government has
doled out more than $600 million to lec
ture us via the boob tube about our drug
use. And we love it. We can't get enough.
Lucky for us, the Super Bowl is only days
away, and you know what that means:
New anti-drug ads!
I can't wait to see what terrible calamities
will befall those lousy bong-loving hippies.
Sources close to the White House tell me the
new commercials will show that marijuana
smokers will contract mad cow disease, get
crushed by falling grand pianos, get
punched in the balls by Gary Coleman and
buoy the spirits of Kim Jong-il.
Pot really is more dangerous than we
thought.
For the sake of balance, there will be a
host of pro-drug ads during the Super
Bowl as well, including one for the erectile
dysfunction drug Levitra, the erectile-dys
function drug Cialis, the erectile-dysfunc
tion drug Viagra and nine Budweiser spots.
One commercial that you won't be seeing
on Super Bowl Sunday is a 30-second spot
sponsored by the liberal group Move On,
which highlights the fact that President Bush
is plunging the country further and further
into debt CBS — which, if I'm not mistak
en, stands for Conservatives Broadcasting to
Seniors — has refused to air it The Viacom
owned station defended its hypocritical de
cision to run anti-drug spots but not an
award-winning anti-Bush spot by saying it
was "too controversial."
This wasn't exactly a surprise. CBS is sec
ond only to Fox in presenting a pro-Bush
spin on its news, according to a study by
the Program on International Policy Atti
tudes. CBS also favors Republicans in its
political giving, according to information
gathered by the Center for Responsive Pol
itics at http://www.opensecrets.org. And
let's not forget that CBS is currendy lobby
ing the administration to push for new
David Jagernauth
Critical mass
FCC rules that would allow it to grow sub
stantially more powerful.
Are they suggesting that the White
House's anti-drug ads are not controver
sial? One puts the culpability for a rape on
the victim and her drug use. Another
blames pot use for an accidental shooting
rather than the parents who keep a loaded
gun in their desk.
During last year's Super Bowl, CBS aired
a spot that said smoking pot aids terrorists.
(They eventually pulled these ads for fear
that the excessive eye rolling would cause
permanent damage, leading to increased
use of medicinal marijuana.)
And if you've seen the ad where a group
of black guys are hot boxing a beat up car
at the drive-through window of a fast food
restaurant, then you know I'm not exag
gerating when I say it's the most racist
thing I've seen on television in a long time.
(As a side note, McDonald's is running
similar and equally offensive ads as part of
its "I'm Lovin' It" campaign. These ads
show that being black and dirt poor is ac
tually fun, like when you have to choose
between buying gasoline or eating at Mc
Donald's. I love it when that happens!)
Adding to the controversy, the agency re
sponsible for the anti-drug campaign,
Ogilvy and Mather, was recently indicted
by a federal grand jury; two top executives
were charged with overbilling the
government for the earliest of the anti
drug ads, according to The Washington
Post. The company already repaid $1.8
million as part of a civil suit but amazing
ly, is still receiving taxpayer money.
What CBS fails to recognize is that an
anti-Bush ad is the equivalent of an anti
drug ad. After all, our president is a walking
"This is your brain, this is your brain on
drugs" commercial. We should be warning
chug users that they might turn into a dull
witted, monkey-faced Republican Texan.
That ought to scare them straight.
The Bush administration is losing the
War on Drugs for the same reason it is
losing the peace in Iraq: It doesn't under
stand diplomacy.
First, they hunt down critically ill me
dicinal marijuana users and bust them as
if they were a Colombian drug cartel. Sec
ond, the administration pushes its pro
pain and suffering agenda in the courts,
proving once again that the smart money
is on the conservative devil on Bush's
shoulder and not the compassionate an
gel. And last but not least they lock up
Chong, of the immortal duo Cheech and
Chong, on trumped up charges, convert
ing him into the Jesus of weed for thou
sands of followers.
The ridiculous anti-drug commercials
are just further missteps in a quagmire of
a war that we should have ended long ago.
We are literally and figuratively blowing
ourWOD.
So when you see the White House's anti
drug ads during the Super Bowl this year re
member that your tax dollars are being
abused to make those commercials. Think
of Bush's defense contractor buddies who
are raking in your tax dollars thanks to the
unnecessary war in Iraq. Think of the manic
spending and spiraling deficits that our chil
dren will end up inheriting.
Think of all of this and you won't need
to watch Move On's anti-Bush ad on TV;
you will be watching your own anti-Bush
ad in your head.
Contact the columnist
at davidjagemauth@dailyemerald.com.
His opinions do not necessarily represent
those of the Emerald.