Advice from Dr. Mark
By Dr. Mark Goulston
TMS Campus
Dear Dr. Mark,
What exactly is low self-esteem,
since nearly everyone I know seem
to think I have it? And what can
you do about it?
WORTHLESS GUY at University
of Wyoming
Dear WORTHLESS,
Self-esteem is not the same as
self-confidence. Self-confidence is
believing in your ability to do
something well. You can be self
confident and still have low self
esteem. Self-esteem is believing in
your worthiness. For a guy, worthi
ness is often tied to courage. A
man without courage doesn't feel
like a man and doesn't feel much
self-esteem either.
One of the ways to develop self
esteem especially for guys is to
think of the things you are most
afraid of and then do them any
way. I'm not referring here to dan
gerous things that are life-threaten
ing, such as driving your car at
100+ MPH in and out of traffic or
overcoming vour fear of guns. I'm
talking about things such as fear of
flying in airplanes, fear of asking
someone out on a date, or fear of
speaking in public.
Having been the youngest of
three sons, I was always hesitant to
speak up or out, because it was of
ten seen as being disrespectful.
This carried over to being hesitant
to raise my hand and ask questions
in high school, college and med
ical school.
Then about 15 years ago I had an
amazing session with a suicidal
patient, which later on she would
say ^qpd hfjr Jiife around, respite,
having some esteem problems of
my own at the time, even I had to
admit I had done something very
special for her.
Realizing that I had a talent and
could possibly do more than "just
get by" I figured that if I was to
have a chance to make some of my
dreams come true I would need to
overcome my fears— and fear of
speaking out or even writing were
amongst my biggest ones.
It was at that point that I started
raising my hand, speaking up and
out and writing columns and arti
cles although I was lousy in all of
them at first. But quitting was not
an option.
Likewise, think of what your
fears are and commit yourself to
facing them and to making quitting
not an option for you. Expect to
feel scared, stupid and even fool
ish at first or maybe for a while;
but hang in there because with
time you will replace the cow
ardice in you with courage and
you will build self-esteem.
Now, no more excuses. Just do
it!
Dear Dr. Mark.
I just stopped dating another
jerk. I wish there was a way to rec
ognize them early so that I can
stop wasting my time. Any tips to
help me be a better jerk detector?
NO MORE JERKS, PLEASE at
University of Kansas
Dear NO MORE,
I guess you're a woman and
you're talking about a guy. Can a
woman be a jerk? I've never heard
one referred to as one. I guess the
female equivalent is a bitch and
we'll talk about that in a future col
umn.
Jerk detecting is one of the best
uses of close girl friends who want
what is best for you and who don't
have an axe to grind against all
men. If you would like some hints
on how to recognize jerks on your
own, consider the following:
A jerk is a know-it-all who does
n't know what he is talking about
(whereas a know-it-all who does
know what he is talking about is
merely an assh—e). They carve a
wide path through the calmness in
your lives, because you are so
aghast, dumbfounded, and ap
palled by their outrageous behav
ior. Instead of reacting assertively,
you stand frozen like a deer in the
headlights of a car. It takes almost
all your self-restraint to keep your
cool in the face of their outrageous
ness, which is why it is so difficult
to "Just Say No" to jerks.
1. They interrupt.
2. They don't take turns.
3. They take advantage of people
who are down.
4. They gloat in victory.
5. They are sullen in defeat.
6. They are not fair.
7. They lack integrity.
8. They are the people you hope
you won't grow up to be like.
9. They are the kind of person
you wouldn't want your brother,
friend or even enemy to marry.
10. They are the kind of person
you'll avoid (when you can break
free of them) and promise yourself
to stay away from in the future.
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