Time to put on your thinking caps
MINUTES
FOR CROSS
CKING
PETER HOCKADAY
Ladies and gentlemen, boys
and girls of all ages, it’s
time for the SATs!
I know, you already took
the SATs, but instead this is the
Sports Aptitude Test, and it re
quires little to no brain power.
Even better, your college admis
sions are not resting on the out
come.
In fact, if you get a 1600 on this
SAT, you may want to consider
dropping out of college altogether,
because you are a bona fide loser!
So without further ado, the Ore
gon Daily Emerald presents the
2001 SAT. Please use a number
two pencil, and hand your test to
the proctor when finished.
1. Which of the following is ac
tually an XFL (that’s Xtreme Foot
ball League) team?
n.) Cjaniurma rimers
B) Bronx Big Hitters
C) Alabama Assassins
D) Chicago Enforcers
2. Which of the following was
thrown on Anna Kournikova’s
court at this year’s Australian
Open by a 15-year old boy, as
Kournikova played a doubles
match?
A) A roadside flare
B) A bottle rocket
C) A bundle of roses
D) A firecracker
3. What was the score of
Kournikova’s humiliating quarter
final loss to Lindsay Davenport at
the same tournament?
A) 6-3, 4-6, 6-1
B) 6-4, 6-2
C) 6-0, 6-1
D) 6-4, 6-4
. 4. Which of the following pro
fessional football players has NOT
been on trial for a felony in the
past year?
A) Rae Carruth
B) Mark Chmura
C) Bill Romanowski
D) Ray Lewis
5. What stunt did Dallas Stars
goalkeeper “Crazy Eddie” Belfour
pun recently inai goi nim suspend
ed from the team?
A) Swore at fans
B) Didn’t show up for road trip
C) Lost six straight games
D) Walked out of practice
6. Which of the following was
NOT an artificial surface that was
considered by the Oregon athletic
department to replace the Omni
Turf currently on Autzen’s floor?
A) SuperTurf
B) SafePlay Turf
C) NeXturf
D) FieldTurf
7. Which of the following base
ball players made less than 10 mil
lion dollars over the 2000 season?
A) Ken Griffey, Jr.
B) Barry Bonds
C) Mike Piazza
D) Derek Jeter
8. Which Eugene bar did six
Washington State basketball play
ers get caught drinking at the night
before their matchup with the
Ducks last weekend, leading to
their suspension?
A) Jogger’s
B) Rennie’s
Black & white
and READ ^ a11 over
campus.
Oregon Daily Emerald
kockin Koaeo
D) Taylor’s
You get 200 points for every cor
rect answer.
Correct answers: 1-d, 2-a, 3-b, 4
c, 5-d, 6-a, 7-a, 8-c.
1400-1600 points: You are a
sports genius. You need to transfer
from Oregon to some Big 12 school
where all they think about is foot
ball.
400-1400 points: You are nor
mal. Congratulations.
0-400 points: You know nothing
about sports, and need to transfer
to an Ivy League school, where you
won’t be bothered by meddling
athletes and people who enjoy
sports.
You may now return to your reg
ularly scheduled testing. Thank
you for participating in the ODE
SAT.
Peter Hockaday is a sports reporter for the
Emerald. You can reach him at phocka
day@yahoo.com.
we. (between Oak & Pearl) 687-2805
ARIES
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those around you?
find out in the ODE Classifieds,
every day!
Can you see it approaching?