Forgotten Film
TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE
Two reporters banter about the films you may not
remember or are trying to forget you ever saw .
Featuring voices of: Judd Nelson,
Leonard Nimoy, Eric Idle and Orson
Welles
In life, there are certain univer
sal truths: Gravity will make
things fall at the same
speed, the sun sets in
the west, and if you were
a little boy in the mid-’80s
you watched the Trans
formers. If for some reason,
didn’t watch the Transformers, you
are obviously breaking the laws of
physics and shouldn’t exist.
Commentary
Mason West &
Josh^msA
Now that we’ve gotten rid of any
people who won’t have a clue what
we’re talking about, on to the re
view: “Transformers: The Movie,”
is the culmination of the epic bat
tle between the heroic Autobots
and the evil Decepticons.
In the movie, the Autobots
have been forced off their home
planet of Cybertron by the De
cepticons and they are staging
a rebellion from several
moon bases and a base
here on Earth. In possibly
the coolest battle of the
movie, Optimus Prime, the Auto
bot leader, is killed by Megatron, the
Decepticon leader.
Mason: It was very sad.
Josh: As a kid, I always wondered:
when Optimus Prime changed from
the trailer truck into the robot, where
did his trailer go? That kept me up
nights because Icouldn’t figure it out.
But Megatron doesn’t get away
unscathed; he is one small step from
death’s door himself. In a rebellion
by his subordinates, he is
jettisoned into space
and left for dead.
But Unicron, a giant
thing capable of destroying Unicron.
Through all of this, there is our
young hero, Hot Rod, voiced by
Judd Nelson, who is destined to
save the day. He is the embodiment
of the American spirit. He’s a hot
rod, for cryin’ out loud.
f Other vocal talent in the film in
cludes Leonard Nimoy as Galva
tron, Eric Idle as Wreck-Gar, and Or
son Welles as Unicron.
iviusuii: n. niue
known fact is that
while Unicron is
dying, if you turn
the volume up re
ally high, you can
hear him saying
“Rosebud. ”
Josh: Mason, the
depths to which you will
sink for a bad joke contin
ue to surprise me.
This movie is ter
rible in that really
great way. There
is hardly an orig
inal thought in
the movie. Gal
vatron is a direct
rip-off of Marvel
Comics’ Galac
tus, there
Bryan Dixon Emerald
are many
parallels with
Star Wars,” and
even though it was re
enormous
power who
eats planets, summons Megatron and
gives him a new body with new pow
ers. Megatron is reborn as Galvatron
and goes on a mission to capture the
matrix, a relic possessed by the leader
of the Autobots that is passed down
through generations, and it’s the only
leased more than 15 years later, we
are convinced that they got the
whole matrix thing from 1999’s
“The Matrix.”
The plot and dialogue are also so
bad that it’s painfully funny. Just look:
“Now all we need is a little ener
gon, and a lot of luck. ” — Optimus
“I’ve got better things to do
Bad taste overpowers book’s humor
■‘Mall’ lacks tact in attempt
to add comedy to a plot
involving a public shooting
Eric Bogosian‘Mall’
Simon & Schuster
By Josh Ryneal
Oregon Daily Emerald
It seems inevitable with the rash
of incidents involving gunmen
shooting up a public place, be it a
post office or a school, that some
one would write a novel about it.
Eric Bogosian, with his first novel,
“Mall,” takes on this sticky subject
but tries to infuse a little humor
into the situation.
Not a good idea.
You would think that a plot
yanked from those kinds of head
lines would either be a satire or a
pot-boiler thriller, but Bogosian
chooses to take the middle ground
between them and comes up with a
sticky, superficial mess.
The story revolves around five
obsessive characters who collide at
a local suburban mall: Mai, the
speed freak who kills his mother,
sets his house on fire and travels to
the most populated place he can
find with a bag of automatic
weapons in tow; Danny, a success
ful middle-age businessman with a
frigid wife and a penchant for Sears
lingerie catalogs; Jeff, a wannabe
suburban Rastafarian who embarks
on a disastrous acid trip; Donna, a
hungry, oversexed housewife with
a “dead trout” for a husband and a
flair for exhibitionism; and Michel,
a Haitian immigrant who takes his
job as a mall security guard to the
extreme in an attempt to block out
the pain of his wife’s death.
Bogosian tries to manipulate his
characters into situations that illus
trate the hollow and spiritually
empty underside of suburbia but
really only succeeds in exposing
the shallowness of his characters.
He takes the easy road with Mai,
who comes off as a one-note lunatic
whose motivations for going on his
rampage are never really clear (ex
cept for the drugs). Jeff and Donna
don’t really resonate well as believ
able denizens of Bogosian’s world,
and Michel is a mere skeleton,
fleshed out only by a few flash
backs to give the reader any clue
why he pursues Mai with such
dogged intensity. Danny is the only
one who comes off as having any
kind of complexity, but that’s only
in comparison to the others.
The humor in “Mall” leaves
something to be desired, especial
ly after the wake of recent school
shootings. A madman’s shooting
up a mall is not the most effective
stage for comedy of any sort, but
Bogosian brushes by this consider
ation by giving us the most ludi
crous situations at the most inop
portune times. Look, it’s Danny
handcuffed in the back of an aban
doned police cruiser as a socio
pathic teenager attempts to rape
him! Oh my, Jeff is picked up by
Donna and carted off to a Best
Western, where he proceeds to
have a psychedelic freakout during
a sweaty intercourse session! It’s
moments like these that under
mine Bogosian’s attempts to make
any real social commentary and re
duce his book to the equivalent of
an auto accident.
Parts of “Mall” exhibit some flair.
Bogosian turns an occasional lyrical
phrase and manages to mine a bit of
genuine human emotion, but these
parts are scattered throughout the
book. You would think that the win
ner of numerous playwright awards
could come up with something a lit
tle better than this.
While the book isn’t totally irre
deemable, Bogosian can’t quite pull
off his sweeping critique of subur
bia, the media and consumer cul
ture in general. While trying to
make his characters’ respective
emptiness stand for something, he
only succeeds in hollowing out the
emotional core of his book.
tonight than die.” — Springer, one
of Hot Rod’s Autobot friends.
“I’ll rip out your optics!” —
Megatron
“Tell my son I’m coming home as
soon as we kick Megatron’s tail
across the galaxy.” — Spike, a hu
man friend of the Autobots.
Even thought the movie has all
these things going against it, we still
loved it. Something about that child
hood bond makes us foigive any short
comings. If the new Pokemon genera
tion were to see this movie, they
would probably gag from boredom.
Not to mention that half the audi
ence would start having seizures be
cause of the fast cuts and flashing
lights that permeate the film.
Josh: I just don’t have the short at
tention span I had when I was 8.1
really needed a huge box of candy
for a sugar rush.
But the Transformers represent
such mythic characters in the minds
that they helped shape. It will take
much more than these things to turn
us away. Plus, we love that Trans
forming sound. You know, the sound
they make when they change shape.
Man, that takes you back.
Mason: Yeah.
Josh: (making the noise) Chur
chur churl Kind of like the $6 mil
lion man.
We give this movie three stars.
However if you still don’t know
who the Transformers are, you
shouldn’t have read this far and you
shouldn’t see this movie. Your puny
minds would probably collapse.
Mason West and Josh Ryneal are Pulse re
porters for the Emerald.
Free Workshop on
Palun Gong
jp=-alun Gong is a powerful cultivation system. Originated in China, it promotes improvement of
* the mind and physical body based on the principle of Truthfulness-Benevolence-Forbearance.
Time: Saturday, November 4lh, 2000 from 2 to 5 pm
Place: Westmoreland Area Office Community Room, 2055 lb"' Way
For information call Zibing at 345-3919 or email zibingxie@yahoo.com
Slow-moving exercises
along with tranquil
sitting meditation
Suitable for all ages
Easy to learn
Stress relief
Promotes phsyical
health, spiritual growth and
enlightenment
All is free
nina gordon
(formerly of Veruca Salt)
with PALO ALTO
November 9 • 9pm
The Wild Duck Music Hall