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EDITOR IN CHIEF
Ryan Frank
EDITORIAL EDITOR
KameronCole
What's
the
L&VIHsky
President
Clinton’s fiasco
dcjes not deserve
the world’s
attention
big deal?
Just the other day, after a
few pitcher rounds at the
locaJ pub with my friends
and after fun with the
opposite sex had to me
been continuously denied. I de
cided to drive to the sw eetness
of my home to spend the rest of
the evening indulging in some
televised entertainment.
Got home, slumped in the
comfort of my lounge room
couch and switched on the
tube. However, my dreams of
late night TV' fun went quickly
down the drain.
As the set flickered its first
images at me I immediately got
quite a fair idea of what was
coming my way: That infamous
plump countenance smooching
the cheekies of our perverted
president is what I saw.
Oh, not again! I’d seen that
image more than 100 times be
fore. Couldn’t stand that whole
Clinton-Lewinskv-Starr-Im
peachment Process anymore.
So out of sheer loathe, anger
and desperation I scurried up to
my room to try to do something
about this pathetic ordeal.
That’s why, although I know
this is a rather wearisome sub
ject, I’d still like to submit to
you, good reader, a few final
thoughts on this tragic soap that
has choked our stinking air
waves and bored the shits out of
us all for almost a year now.
So here we go. fellas, a few fi
nal thoughts from me.
To start with, it is really hard
to believe that the presidential
Opinion
\ince
Medeiros
late ottnemost
powerful nation
in the world can
really turn be
cause of a semen
stain left on the
cocktail dress of
a White House
intern.
And at the
same time the
entire planet
stands slack
jawed and mar
veis at me iact mat may actually
happen. People must also ques
tion themselves what crazy cir
cumstances and interests have
led us to witnesses an impeach
ment inquiry based on the pres
ident's sexual behavior.
And, more important, is that
what we should be worried
about and forced to put up with
every time we turn our sets on?
That the man could not con
trol his zipper, that we already
knew. That his sexual appetite
is fairly intense appears to be
consensus amongst the popula
tion. That Bill Clinton has had
numerous flings while married
to Hillary is also news to no one.
That he may have Bed under
oath during a sexual harassment
deposition last January seems to
be pretty clear to most Ameri
cans as well. That some of Bill
Clinton's “genetic material”—as
some of the more religious like to
put it—was actually found on
the intern's party apparel seems
to be pretty evident, too.
And, laklv, after reading the
full-length, pornographic, Shel
donesque novel by the mega-per
vert, privacy-invador, top
voyeur Ken Starr, which left the
cyberspace uncommonly
clogged for more than a week, the
whole world “finally” found out
that—surprise, surprise—he
did have sex with that woman.
And guess what?
Besides all the common
knowledge above cited, besides
the fact that the report was a ter
rific read, that kids found a good
way to get off on some cybersex
without the intimidating use of
gynecological images, and be
side the fact that it was a great
laugh to find out how Bill and
Monica fooled around inside
the Oval Office, nobody cared.
That’s right, nobody cared.
Poll after poll, be it Newsweek's,
Time’s, Gallup's or CNN’s, they
all indicate that the sneaky per
vert has the American people
standing behind him.
So, fellas, I say to those
grumpy, old, puritan-minded,
moralist-retards, ultra-conserva
tive men in Congress: Stop wast
ing your precious time with this
impeachment process rubbish.
Don’t bore us with that crap for
another year. There’s more im
portant stuff out there and the
president needs to be left alone
so he can work properly.
Because while the global
economy is collapsing and mil
lions around the world are be
ing forced back into the inferno
of misery and starvation; while
Kosovo is being the scene of the
most atrocious violence and tor
ture; and while here, in our very
backyards, the number of peo
ple living under the poverty lev
el raises by the month, this my
opic obsession with the
president’s lustful adventures
doesn’t look like it should be
any of our priorities. Should it?
Vince Medeiros isa columnist/or
the Emerald. His i ieu s do not nec
essarily represent those of the
netespaper.
c~
THE AUKS WOULD LIKE
TO PROPOSE A SETTlTAAfNT
OUTLINE FOB YOO to
CONSIDER..
J
J
...WHM
OBSESSION,
mb president?
INTERNATIONAL
1 MONICA
I FUND