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Perspectives
EDITOR IN CHIEF
Sarah Kickler
EDITORIAL EDITOR
Mike Schmierbach
NIGHT EDITOR
Holly Sanders
i ' y, mu a i: m ~ ms - sa x? s &
FOWL PLAY!
This WINTER THE CHICKENS
HAVE COME HOME TO ROOST!
Sunday’s Golden Globe awards
revealed several surprises to Hol
lywood bigwigs. After all, who ac
tually thought Peter Fonda still had
it? The most impressive surprise, however,
was that college students could win an award
for best screenplay.
1 figured with a handful of newspaper clip
pings and a vivid imagination, I, too, could write
a powerful drama.
Our story begins in a courtroom. While the
judge holds back a smile, Barney, everyone’s fa
Jonas
Allen
vorite purple dinosaur, silently
gives the San Diego Chicken
the finger.
The Famous Chicken, as the
mascot is formally called, lis
tens to the charge drawn
against him — a copyright and
trademark infringement for as
saulting and mocking a Barney
like character during perfor
mances at sporting events.
Barney is seeking $100,000
lor eacn time tne L,nir.ken per
formed his skit.
The scene fades out and goes to a quiet farm in
Hong Kong. As the farmer tends to his morning
duties, five members of the Hong Kong police
swarm around a chicken coop and cut the chick
ens’ throats. The officers then throw the dead
chickens into trash bags and haul them off to a
county landfill.
Flying over the countryside, the cameras find
their way into a Nebraska office where scientists
are inspecting a sample of cough medicine.
These researchers warn that a key ingredient in
cough syrups and tablets has caused severe de
fects in chicken embryos. Because of these de
fects, the scientists advise pregnant women to
CHRIS HUTCHINSON/Emerald
ill
avoid such medicines.
With the exception of Barney flipping the bird,
all these scenes come directly from your local
newspaper.
And all in all, it hasn’t been a good year for
chickens.
Our screenplay has to start this way because
it’s the order in which the events happened.
More important, however, is the need for a good
court scene in every blockbuster drama.
The Famous Chicken case seemed trivial
when it first hit the news. The case seemed more
like something to laugh about more than take se
riously. But it really started the snowball rolling
for a bad year in all of Chickendom.
The farm scene is vital to this movie’s success.
Not only will it appeal to the ever-important
Iowa movie market, but the topic is still in the
news.
In mid-1997, a three year old contracted a dis
ease that primarily infects birds. Since then, six
people have been killed by the “bird flu,” and at
least 12 more have been infected. (Can anyone
see a connection between our fact-based screen
play and “Outbreak”?)
Scientists can't figure out how a bird virus,
H5N1, infected humans. Fortunately, on Jan.
15, scientists announced that the virus had
not mutated into something that “could spread
easily from person to person and cause a
worldwide epidemic.”
That’s fantastic news. But the screenplay still
has to focus on the 1.4 million chickens the
Hong Kong government slaughtered while try
ing to halt the virus.
I can see the action sequences now: Police in
SWAT gear chasing the villainous chickens
with machetes. Farmers actually hiding their
chickens from police, only to have their farms
raided by government officers. Dogs and pigs
rummaging through mishandled trash bags in
search of slaughtered poultry.
Between sequences, the movie flashes to a
dark, smoky room where government officials re
veal their plot to kill, disinfect and bury every
chicken in Hong Kong. But when they realize
their 24-hour operation has turned into a three
day, fowl ordeal, those same officials are forced
to apologize.
Remember, all of these events actually hap
pened in the last few months.
Like every good drama, the screenplay has to
get emotional at the end. We see hundreds of
poultry workers so upset about losing their jobs
that they fill the streets of Hong Kong in protest.
Now to a hospital room, where those infected
by the “bird flu” lie helpless against a disease,
progressing rapidly into critical conditions. Pan
ning up from the victims, the camera shows the
Nebraska scientists’ cough syrup announcement
on hospital television.
The screenplay ends with the Famous Chicken
fighting for his right to entertain.
This is sure to be a blockbuster.
Okay, maybe not.
Jonas Allen is a columnist for the Emerald. His work appears on alternate Fridays.
His views do not necessarily represent those of the newspaper.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Uphold conduct code
Editor’s note: The following is an
open letter to University President
Dave Frohnmayer.
We are writing in response to the
recent decision by the Appeals Com
mittee to maintain the hearings offi
cer’s decision that Danta Graham
Preston was in violation of the
Student Conduct Code. We feel that
it is crucial to both the safety of all
students on campus and to the valid
ity of our conduct code to comply
with the findings of the board. By
denying a decision that has essen
tially been made four times, we feel
the conduct code that students have
advocated for will be ultimately
weakened.
As a staff, we acknowledge that
women are not safe against sexual
violence, not only on the University
campus, but also in the society we
live in. We also understand that
everyone involved, men and
women, need to be educated about
sexual violence and the rape culture.
Because of this, it is a necessity that
the process currently underway be
supported by your endorsement of
the final decision by the committee.
Sexual violence will only end when
the entire community not only
stands by the judicial process we
have created but also takes responsi
bility in advocating and supporting
those who are affected by sexual vio
lence. You now have the power to
do this, and we ask that you take
into consideration what the students
on this campus are asking of you.
ASUO Women’s Center staff
Seeking Oregon info
Our fourth grade class from Gifford
Grade School is studying the United
States. We would like your help.
We would like your readers to
send us letters and postcards telling
us about your state. Thank you for
your help. Please send them to:
Mrs. McClain’s Fourth Grade
Gifford Grade School #188
406 S. Main
Gifford. IL 61847
Alison Ouden
Gifford, IL
Thumbs
TO THE WHITE
HOUSE:
Officials an
nounced they will
put an end to road
building in most
federal forests.
While tire move is i
only a step toward
eliminating the
economically and
environmentally
harmful subsidies
that have propped
up the timber in
dustry, it is an ad
mirable proposal.
TO PRINCETON:
The Ivy League
symbol of elite ed
ucation has taken
steps to make pri
vate college more
affordable for the
middle class by al
tering the way fi
nancial aid is cal
culated. Plans
Include shifting
many packages
from loans to
grants and not
counting homes
as an asset for
middle-class fam
ilies. All this be
cause private
schools are finally
realizing they're
losing intelligent
working-class
students because
families simply
cannot afford
$30,000 a year.
TO HIGH
LIABILITY COSTS
FOR EXCHANGE
PROGRAMS:
The Associat
ed Press reported
that the risk of
lawsuits against
exchange pro
grams that travel
into “dangerous"
areas may make
the cost of such
trips impossibly
high. Not only is
this troubling be
cause of the value
of exchanges, but
it is also alarming
because it risks
forcing schools
into potentially
racist choices
about what con
stitutes a “safe”
nation to visit.