COHTACTIHG US
NEWSROOM: ADDRESS:
(541)346-5511 Oregon Daily Emerald
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ode@oregon. uoregon.edu Eugene, Oregon 97403
ONLINE EDITION: www.uoregon.edu/-ode
Perspectives
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Sarah Kickler
EDITORIAL EDITOR
Mike Schmierbach
NIGHT EDITOR
Nicole Krueger
Laura
Cadiz
Mike
Schmierbach
Okay, we admit it, we’re bitter.
It’s always best to be honest at
the beginning, so no one can
accuse you of hiding your motives.
With that confession out of the way,
we still think we have some very good
ideas on how to reform interpersonal
relations at the University and in the
world. After all, we have a pretty good
idea of what shouldn’t happen be
tween two people; now we just need to
establish what should occur.
Thus, we present...
The Rules:
Setting a code
OF CONDUCT
FOR COUPLES
A brief exploration of what things
would he like if Mike and Laura
ran the world
Ban exes’
Too often, we find ourselves in
the same social setting as an ex
boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Or ’
worse, we’re forced to humor the
ex of our significant other.
Frankly, it makes us ill.
So, we propose that, when a re
lationship ends, the dumper must
relocate to a different area code
than the dumpee. In return, the
dumpee is not allowed to follow
the dumper to the new location.
Of course, defining “significant
other" can be complicated —
some people seem a little keen to
use that term. So, we define sig
nificant other as anyone whom
you have seen naked in an explic
itly sexual context.
Reclaim virginity
They say virginity is coming
back into style, and we all know
that nothing is more important
than style. More to the point,
there are some things we just
don’t want to admit.
Accordingly, we think people
should be able to reclaim their
virginity. Such a thing should not
be handled lightly, however. You
shouldn’t be able to take it back if
you are simply bitter and recently
dumped. Nor should you be able
to reclaim it if you have had sex
with multiple partners.
If you were a virgin prior to
your last partner, however, or at
least a “reclaimed” virgin, then
after a reasonable waiting period
a single person should be able to
take back his or her virginity. We
suggest that point comes when
you no longer fantasize about
your former partner.
No marriage
No, we don’t mean you can nev
er get married. Just don't get mar
ried until you’re no longer sitting
~ next to us in class.
Too-cute couples are bad
enough, but too-cute couples with
rings on their fingers are down
right disturbing.
At our age, we shouldn’t have to
sit through a wedding ceremony
unless it’s our parents’. The only
bells we want to hear are the elec
tronic ones in the EMU.
Don’t even get engaged. That’s a
reminder of marriage, which in
turn is a reminder of our mortality.
Illustrations by:
Chris Hutchinson
Seeing others
There are enough ethically
“shaky” people out there that
standards need to be set on
when a relationship is exclu
sive — in other words, when
you can’t “see other people.”
For most of us, this isn’t a
difficult issue. A certain sense
of class and propriety prevails,
and we don’t “cheat” on our
partners. Or, if we’re a little on
the slow side, we have one of
those ground-establishing
“talks.”
On the other hand, mistakes
are made. Some people seem
so afraid of the term “commit
ment” that they deny its exis
tence. For them, we have a
simple guide: If you have pos
sessions at the residence of
your partner, you aren’t al
lowed to see anyone else.
For example, if you ever say,
“I’ll have to buy a toothbrush
on the way to your place be
cause I keep my spare at
Sue’s," you are misbehaving.
Public affection
;> This issue has come up before
f in the Emerald, but we think it is
/ important enough to repeat. On
this point, anyway, the dichotomy
between the public and private
spheres must be maintained.
Physical contact between lovers is
part of that private sphere.
Above all else, the sanctity of
the classroom setting must be
maintained. We’re there to learn
or perhaps to nap. We aren’t there
to watch other people rummage
around under each other’s clothes.
In the classroom, there should
be no physical contact. Hands
may not be held; bodies may not
be caressed; lips may not be
pressed together.
Outside of class, the rules are
looser. Holding hands, embracing
or even exchanging a quick kiss
(no tongue) are okay. Any point at
which both pairs of hands are not
fully visible while a couple are in
public view is not acceptable.
These are certainly not all the
restrictions we would impose
upon behavior among current and
former couples at the University.
By implementing these policies,
however, the school could take an
important first step on the road to
a less nauseating educational ex
perience.
Mike Schmierbach is the editorial
editor and Laura Cadiz is the high
er education editor for the Emerald.
Their vieivs do not necessarily repre
sent those of the Emerald.
READERS’ VOICES
Whai role do you think drugs and alcohol play in students’lives?
‘‘To relax and so
cialize."
Sarah Harpole
“For some stu
dents, it plays a very
active role. Some of
them know how to use
drugs and alcohol to a
moderate, small
amount, and it doesn't
run their lives. But un
fortunately for some
students, it does take
over their lives and be
comes a big problem.'’
Lauren Sivley
“I think a lot of stu
dents use it as a relief
from all the stress."
Shana Pennington
“It doesn’t play that
much of a role. I just
think that because it's
an issue and it’s in the
papers, it only gets in is
sues when bad things
happen. I just saw in the
paper yesterday about
statistics showing how
many people actually
drink, and it’s kind of
surprising."
Ben Kossick
“I think alcohol has a
pretty big effect. It’s a
way to bring everyone
together and have peo
ple get to know each
other. As far as drugs
go, I don’t really know.
For some people it's a
gathering point, like with
smoking pot, but other
drugs don’t have a real
big effect around here.”
Lindsey Brown
A huge part because of the way our society
is so centered on drugs and alcohol. They play
a major part... People are looking for escape
and acceptance, and that’s how they’re taught
t0 do Lesley Shollmier
Heather Austin
Quoted
“If you always
wanted to attend
Harvard, Yale or
Princeton, The
Teaching Compa
ny offers Ivy
League entry
without the te
dious application
process, the as
tronomical fees,
the undesired re
quired courses or
the pressure of fi
nal exams."
The Interna
tional Herald Tri
bune, quoted in a
direct mail adver
tisement for The
Teaching Compa
ny. What’s left, ex
actly?