Oouble
Take
You know the old saying,
When in Rome...”? Well,
thanks to the International Stu
dents’ Guide To The U.S.A., for
eign students can assimilate
into that bizarre and mysterious
American student subculture
with little effort. These are the
brilliant nuggets of wisdom the
hook offers:
Greetings
“For hello, [young Ameri
ins] prefer hi, hey, howdy,
fiat’s up?, what’s new?,
what’s cooking and what’s
skakin’?'
“For a casual goodbye,
• nations include: so long, let’s
■■o, take it easy and we’re outta
're (outta = out of)."
Making friends
“This recipe is guaranteed
make you popular with
ther students: chocolate chip
cookies.”
’/ocabulary
“To space: To forget some
' -ng. Sorry, man. I totally
aced."
•ood
"Eating in a cafeteria can
an important time to social
as well as eat. Of course, no
.'dent would survive without
ting pizza at least several
■ nes a week.”
DUST
BY DAMIAN SHAW
Arizona State U.
Illustration by Grfc Hardin,
U. op Kansas
IT LURKS IN THE
shadows and behind
bushes at night.
Beware: the relation
ship.
One year ago, I was in
the early stages of dating
my girlfriend, Jamie. 1
was the ultimate bache
lor. Beer bottle collec
tion, a pile of old pizza
boxes on the floor and a
black book full of girls’
names and numbers.
That was then; this is now.
I now share an apartment
with her, but there is nary a beer
bottle or pizza box to be found,
and my black book gathers dust.
Instead of recovering from a
hangover on Saturday morning,
I’m at the mall. On a bench.
Holding a purse.
Oh, how the mighty have
fallen.
I don’t want to give the
impression that having a girlfriend
is all bad. After all, don’t we all
wind up in a relationship at one
time or another? lamie treats me
well and I love her, but it’s certainly a change. And that’s an understatement.
The nights of sticking beer bottle caps to the ceiling have been replaced by
days of neatly hanging art that we “both agree on.’’ As long as she likes it.
Out: Monday night football. In: Melrose Place. Out: Dinner at Hooters.
In: Sunday dinner with her moth
er. Out: All parties at which the
police show up. In: Renting Don
Juan de Marco. Out: Picking up
department store salesgirls. In:
Shopping at Contempo. Out:
Working marathon hours. In: “I’m
on my way home right now,
honey.” Out: Being a slob. In:
Cleaning up after myself.
In the process of living together
and creating a union, I’ve also lost
my own identity. I am no longer
just Damian. I have morphed into
someone called “Jamie-and-Dami
an.” We are one. Even my mom
finishes her messages on the
answering machine with, “I love
you guys.”
On the positive side, I am
improving as an individual. It
seems I’ve been insensitive to peo
ple all my life. Who would have
known? Thank goodness my girl
friend has shown me the error of
my ways. Sometimes I would go
places and not invite her. I should
have known she would want to go
to the shooting range. What was I
thinking?
Besides all of this, I am happy
that I have left the single life
behind. Lots of great womanizers
have fallen under the spell of just
one woman. In recent history, even
Warren Beatty has become a one
woman man.
A relationship isn’t a curse; it’s
a blessing. 1 get three square meals
a day, I have a balanced budget
and, most importantly, I have
someone who loves me. What can
I say? I, er, I mean we, have never been happier.
Damian Shaw may cater to his one woman \ every whim, but he s not whipped. No sir.
IJh uh. Not Damian.
Off Course, Hugo Ayala, Massachusetts Institute of Technology >5: r i p
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