Family values just don’t have the stuffing anymore
I s that time of year again
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving
JLlfav. the dav when most
Americans go home to he wiili
their families
We gather around the table, eat
the "Melloagris Gallapovo"
(turkev) and praise Mom for the
stuffing, w hich is oven (tetter than
last year's We tell each other
everything that's happened since
last year, exi hiding the embar
rassing parts that we don't want
Mom and Dad to know about.
And we get to hear Grandpa tell
the same stories that he told last
year and the year before, and
everybody laughs politely even
though the joke about the out
house at the old farm in Nebras
ka wasn't that funny the first time
he told it.
And then everybody goes truck
to where they came from We go
back to college and draw a sigh
of relief because Ibis year's Hap
py Family Thanksgiving Gather
ing is over and done with We've
fulfilled our obligation, and
there's a whole year until the next
time, unless we're going back
home for the winter holidays,
that is.
Perhaps this is a good time to
stop fora moment and think n lit
tle about the family. Not our own
family, hut the family The fam
ily us a social institution, that is
Political pundits have long
proclaimed the death of the
American family: or if it's not
dead yet. at least it lives on arti
ficial life support. Statistics
r
Mark s Mu and
seem to support this c hum If
you get married tomorrow you
will, statistic itllv speaking, get
divorced sooner or Inter Most
people do
And the media i onsistentiv tell
us that if you're not divori ed vet.
chances are your family life isn't
very happy We didn't need |ohn
and Lorenn Hobbit to tell us that
there are dysfunctional families
out there, but the c ase of the see
ered penis — despite all the
prurient hysteria that surround
ed it — certainly seems to illus
trate this point
So what brought about this
sickness of the American family
First, we'll have to ask ourselves
whether this is merely a question
of perception. Perhaps the insti
tution of the family never was
such a great idea Perhaps fami
lies never really were happy Per
haps people just didn't talk about
their unhappiness in the past.
Perhaps the Lorena Hobbits of the
Age of Inntx eru e wanted to muti
late their husbands' genitals
They just didn't have the guts to
do it.
Perhaps Hut somehow, I doubt
it.
I think that if we are to under
stand the dm line of the Ameri
t an family, we must look at a
much deeper societal tendeni \
It has its root in the ideology of
this nation, as it was written
down in the Declaration of Inde
pendent e and the Constitution
It's .iIhiiiI the wav A merit ans val
ue freedom more than anything
else, and it t an lie summed up in
one word individualism
We regard individualism as
something positive in this t.oun
trv We think everybody has the
right to have dreams and pursue
those dreams, as long as they
don't harm others in their pur
suit And we love the underdog
with the strange, unconvention
al ideas that the establishment
laughs at — until she realizes her
ideas, crushes the establishment,
and hei nines the establishment
herself
That's Ainerii a Thai's what
built this country Strong, indo
pendent people who could su< ■
i eed because they had the free
dom to live their dreams
So we teach our i luldren to lie
strong and independent We
teach them that it's important to
have dn'.inis, and that evorybudy
has the right to wish for a hotter
tomorrow But not only that: We
teach our < hildren that they have
the right to /ice their dreams, to
pursue all their desires "If you
want it," we tell them, "then go
for it It's \our right as an indi
vidual
Hut have you over thought 01
tin' tiii t that this individualism,
extolled in so main political
sptu'i ln"«. mav lu> incompatible
with the idea of the family?
After all. o family is .11 omnium
tv. and for people to live happi
ly together in a i ommunitv. they
must sacrifice some of their
indivIdual liberty
It sounds obvious, but fora lot
of people it isn't A lot of peo
ple go into marriage and family
life with the notion that they're
still going to lie able to pursue all
their dreams and live out all of
their individual liberties They
think that they have the right to
demand instant gratification of
all their desires, lie they materi
al. spiritual, or sexual, even if it
means that they'll pursue their
happiness a! the expense of their
spouse's and their children's
People today spend less and less
time with their families and more
and more time with their work,
their hobbies, and in front of the
television set
That's why a lot of people get
divorced these days
I don't know if adultery is the
most common cause of the
breakup of marriages Hut I think
most of the breakups 01 cur
because one of tile spouses is
being unfaithful Not not essari
l\ with someone else, though
Most marriages break up Ins ause
the x|H>usox love f/iemse/vrs more
than one another
I'm not saving that people are
immoral I'm just saving that
thin hi*havi) exactly me was
vou’d expei t them to behave in
,i culture that emphasizes indi
vidualism mani than communi
ty values
Perhaps it's too lnti> to save
the Aineric an family Perhaps
individualism has become such
an Ingrained part of our cultur
al value sv stem that vve i an nev
er again return to the solid fatni
lv structures of the post And.
i onsidering the wav this struc
ture often inhihited the liberty of
women and perpetuated racial
and economic gaps, perhaps the
death of the American family
isn't worth mourning after all.
Hut I happen to believe that a
lot of good tilings i an come from
the famih And I also happen to
believe that a lot of bad things
can i nme out of the breakdown
of the family I don't think it s on
oversimplification to suv that the
breakdown of the family is one
of the primary causes of
mi reused crime, violence, hate
.itid general unhappiness in our
The American family may he
dying, hut Thanksgiving is here
to remind us that the idea of the
family may still lx* worth pursu
ing So this Thanksgiving, let's
honor the institution of the Inin
ilv. whether you think it
deserves a c omineiiiorntion or a
i elehrntion
Happy Thanksgiving!
Marius \feland is u columnist
for the Tmerald
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