I EDITORIAL
How to improve the
Ferry Street Bridge
Local radio stations ofton try to boost their ratings by
including a morning and afternoon traffic report. Inter
spersed among all of the talk about fender benders here
and speed traps thero, there are always a few moments
in each report dedicated to addressing the city’s most
prominent traffic nightmare: the Ferry Street Bridge.
These radio reporters apply a distinct set of rules
when talking about the Ferry Street Bridge. They never
say traffic is moving "faster" or "slower" without adding
the all-important qualifier: "... than usual for this time of
day."
The city has proposed the expansion of the bridge to
six lanes, in order to accommodate all Iho extra rush
hour traffic. Students from the architecture school at the
University also provided the city with a number of alter
natives. Some were more attractive than others, but all
attempted to deal with the problem, which has become
a daily headache for motorists who spend the day down
town but keep their homes north of the river
Some have suggested that the expansion of the bridge
will only serve to "encourage" automobile traffic, which
is apparently a bad thing to some environmentally c on
scious members of the community. They stress alterna
tive modes of transportation and believe that any poli
cy that makes it easier on the motorist will, as a result,
help perpetuate the environmentally degrading prac
tice of automobile driving.
The same logic has been applied to proposals for a
west Eugene parkway, whic h would attempt to alleviate
traffic along West I itli Avenue, another major arterial
that underwent expansion this summer from four lanes
to five. The new parkway, like the expansion of the Fer
ry Street Bridge, has also been lambasted as a way of
(can you believe the gall of city planners?) making dri
ving easier.
Has anyone thought about what might happen? The
city expands a bridge here, builds a now freeway there
and BOOM! Eugene's just another Los Angeles, only
with less sun.
So the solution seoms clear: We shouldn't expand the
Kerry Street Bridge. Heck, we ought to just tear it down
completely. Let's see the wicked automobile drivers get
to work then!
But then there would still lx; a lot of folks driving their
despicable ears elsewhere in the city ... something would
have to he done about them. Let's also knoc k out the
Beltline, Franklin Boulevard and all of the other bridges
across the Willamette.
To top it all off. we should stop funding street repairs
altogether and let the whole infrastructure disintegrate
That way people's c ars would not ho able to pollute the
air with their noxious exhaust gases, and with all of the*
new grass growing up between the cracks in the unat
tended roads and streets, the* c ity would become all the
more green. Wouldn't that be great? No more cars, no
more parking lots, no more ugly pavement?
No more business. No more people. No more Eugene
Oregon Daily
Emerald
Managing Editor
Editorial Editor
Graphics Editor
Freelance Editor
PO 00*3«W IUC€MC 0«IG0N»74W
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OPINION
Whistlin’ Jim ‘fertilizes’ EMU
m& i
M\kiis Fimier
S'i> one ItH is the mem whom
Iw foal's
hi* grass\ knoll near the
EMI at the comer of I'm
\ersit\ SInft and East i:ith
Avenue ought to he a hit green
er this week due to the present e
of Inn. who's in the fertilizer
business "
In tase you missed it. Jim and
three of Ins best buddies took to
the grass\ knoll Thursdav after
noon to warn students that they
were all going to hall This appar
ently bothered some students,
who mode their displeasure
known b\ spending the better
part of a sunns day suggesting
more colorful terms for Inn's holy
"fertilizer.''
l or those in attendance who
were not sure about their eternal
fate. Jim wore a sign listing those
who will burn in eternal fire, or
something Included were bars,
drunkards, pot smokers, pill pop
pers, homosexuals. Pharisees (are
they still around?) and the worst
heathens of all — Mormons. Jim
could have more concisely sum
marized his list by replacing all
the classifications listed with one
word — “You."
Jim is also a frustrated coach.
At least that would explain "The
Whistle." which Jim would
blow at random moments. To
his certain dismay, no one liegan
doing wind sprints. However,
with a little practice, he could
have a promising career direct
ing traffic.
Or perhaps Jim simply wants
God to let him blow one of the
trumpets that will supposedly
signal the end of the world and
Aristot h*
is practicing on his whistle
Colorful as inn was. the crowd
was not to he outdone. One
woman, responding to Inn 's ven
omous nttai k on homosexuals,
shouted. Tin a lesbian, and I
have to s.iv that I like it' Spec
tators could almost smell the sul
fur erupting from |im's nostrils
after the remark
As if that wasn't enough to
i uuse the earth to open and Satan
himself to make an appearance,
two other lesbians proceeded to
kneel in front of Jim and (gasp!)
kiss In public' Jim said they were
worshiping Satan. If that's the
i ase. he ought to at least fie
relieved that they didn't utilize
more traditional methods, like
sacrifii ing one of the squirrels
that live near the KM Iv
Hut. none of that could com
pare to the guy who walked up
next to Jitn. told him how lie
respected )i*n for having the guts
to stand up for what he believ es
in and proi ceded to kiss |irn on
the cheek Judging from the wav
Jim stumbled backward, one
might have thought he'd been
sucker-punched.
A number of self-identified
Christians challenged Jim's inter
pretations of the Bible and the
teachings of Jesus. One man
apparently made too much sense
for Jim. who finally refused to lis
ten to the man. saying, "l don't
know if I want to listen to you
today because you’ve offended
me." A most ironic statement
coming from someone who was
in the process of offending just
about everybody within earshot.
Although much of the crowd's
interaction with Jim did nothing
to make either side look
respectable, the one truly bright
moment came when an interna
tional studies student, who gave
his name as Mark, stood beside
Jim, described himself as a born
again Christian and proceeded to
bury Jim with rational yet pas
sionate arguments that Chris
tianity is not about hatred and
condemnation but about love and
acceptance of others.
The crowd was then treated to
an episode of dueling Bibles, as
(im whipped out his good book
from his Bible belt (yes. he actu
ally wears a Bible belt, a kind ol
gunslinger-for-God thing) and
read a passage from Revelations
about being judged. Mark then
took his own mini-Bible out of
his backpack and recited a pas
sage urging people not to cast
judgment upon others. Jim
should've stuck to the whistle
|im has a number of other
hang-ups as well, especially con
cerning women, whom he
regards as too emotional for ratio
nal thought When he discussed
the sin of fornication, it was in
regards to "you women who
sleep with your boyfriends " So.
men who sleep w ith their girl
friends are not committing the sin
of fornication. II you're a guy. this
is good news
Jim also knows how to work a
crowd The couple hundred or so
spe< tutors erupted in cheers to
Jim's question. ''How many of
you students at this college are
involved in sex. drugs and rock
n' roll?" lodging from the
response, the hoofed one can
expect a lot of company come
Judgment Day. •
"Some people are planters,"
Jim told the crowd. "I'm in the
fertilizer business." Their wit
knowing no bounds, the crowd
responded with descriptions of
the fertilizer — "Bullshit, bull
shit."
Perhaps many of the spectators
were simply confused at the
event, thinking it was the Home
coming rally, which was sched
uled for Friday. In fact, more peo
ple attended what one spectator
referred to as the Second Coming
rally than attended the Home
coming rally.
Apparently the expectation of
seeing the devil is more alluring
than the opportunity to see Rich
Brooks or jerry Green (neither of
whom showed up Friday). Go fig
ure.
Martin Fisher is a columnist for
the Emerald.