EDITORIAL
Mandatory gun law
first of many steps
Stale Rep. Liz VanLoeuwon of Halsey introduced leg
islation Friday that would make it mandatory for Ore
gon residents to own a gun. She reasoned that gun
ownership would deter crime because the state would
become "too dangerous for criminals." Citizens could
take the law into their own hands.
Wo think that’s a great idea. With legislators like this,
who needs enemies?
Wo could also make it legal to run off the road
motorists who drive too slow in the passing lane. That
would, after all. deter slow drivers.
Students should be allowed to club classmates who
ask more than three questions during an average class
period. If an especially stupid question is asked, the lim
it of three should be suspended so students can legally
smack the offender
every five minutes.
AH citizens should
ho armed with a guitar
tuner and muzzle to
use on unsuspecting
campus folk singers.
Just imagine. Grizzled
folkies well into their
third verse of "Ameri
can Pie" are greeted by
an angry mob of taste
fill music listeners. who proceed to cut down more dan
gerously bad musicians.
We should make it mandatory to steal from any home
worth more than $300,000. The distribution of wealth is
horribly skewed in the United States. The middle class
is rapidly disappearing before our eyes while the rich
are getting richer. Therefore, it makes sense for poor
people to take matters into their own hands.
The Oregon State football team should be required to
lose at least 10 games each year, for tradition's sake.
After all. it's dangerous to our morale for OSU to win
any more.
Everyone should be required to wear condoms at all
times — even when fully dressed — to keep the state
safe from AIDS. People need to take matters into their
own genitals, er, hands.
All students should be reouired to read the Oregon
Daily Emerald in order to keep them safe from the
inane rambllngs of the Oregon Commentator and The
Student Insurgent. It's the safest thing to assume.
All University graduates should have to take a "real
world" workshop before entering society, to keep the
state from turning into one giant Eugene.
All University underclassmen should be prohibited
from owning cars. This would help clear the streets for
bicyclists and pedestrians, thus cleaning the environ
ment. (Actually, this was proposed by Mayor Ruth Bas
com. No joke.)
Students should be required to wear nothing but tie
dye shirts and Birkenstocks. to promote diversity.
And finally, all state legislators should have to own
at least one alternate brain at all limes. Occasionally,
they lose their only working copy.
All state
legislators should
have to own at
least one
alternate brain at
all times.
Oregon Daily
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WITH THAT CRAP ?
OPINION
Hearing proves ‘left’ isn’t right
Thu day that everyone on
tins campus agrees with
me is the day everyone
wakes up with the face you see
at the top of this column.
That will never happen — we
aren't supposed to agree about
everything.
Humans will naturally dis
agree about matters. Hut there
are people at the University
who would have you believe
there is one correct way to
think. And if you aren't right
(or. supposedly, “left'' in this
matter), don't bother applying
to the club.
To find out, just get nominat
ed to the Incidental Fee Com
mittee
Ed Carson, who the right
"left'' painted as a lesbian
woman of color's nightmare,
was confirmed by the Student
Senate as the newest !FC mem
ber Tuesday night, but not
before the usual politically cor
rect mud was slung at his face.
ASUO President Bobby l.ee
announced his nomination of
Carson last week, a move that
stirred the hearts and fists of
those who love to hate the Ore
gon Commentator . a journal of
usually conservative opinion of
which Carson is managing edi
tor.
How dare Lee subvert the
democratic political process
and appoint a racist, sexist,
homophobic student like Car
son.
Well, he is ... isn't he? After
all. he works for the Commenta
tor . a publication that doesn’t
even deserve to be breathing the
same air as those of the right
"left.”
And everybody knows that
everyone on the Commentator
is a racist, sexist homophobe.
Right?
Oh. the irony of it all.
Some members of (lie 1FC.
which is predominated by a
"liberal" view, don't want Car
son m the club. Go Iwok to your
own playground, they said. You
don’t belong on our swing set
because you're different and
don’t necessarily share the same
views.
Well, folks, isn't that what
diversity is all about, sharing
different views, experiences
and beliefs? Or is it about lasing
in the t.iuh and telling each
other how perfect we all are.
and wouldn't it be great if
everyone else was just like us?
But if you keep to your per
fect little clubs, then you won't
have to look and set! the differ
ent views working the monkey
bars outside on the world's big
ger playground.
Apparently. Carson (a Repub
lican. by golly) won't be invited
to the dub's games too frequent
ly. Hut who would want to. any
way? Litierals, by definition, are
supposed to be "tolerant" and
"broad-minded." but in dealing
with Carson's confirmation,
they were anything but.
Racist. Sexist. Homophobic.
Who says? Well, it was in the
Commentator , said the right
"left " And though none of the
articles in question had Car
son's byline, everyone at the
Commentator believes the
same thing. Right?
Tell you what, there will
never bo a time when all of the
employees at the Emerald agree
on everything. Still, this col
umn is bound to convince some
readers that my opinion stated
here is entirely representative of
the Emerald's newsroom. Give
me a break. Not everyone has
my face yet, and I never expect
anyone to — or share all of my
iH'liefs.
Allegations that women and
students of color had concerns
with Carson's nomination came
to light at the hearing. One per
son who spoke against Carson
said his presence on the IFC
would create an inhospitable
climate, according to her
sources.
As a matter of fact, her
sources were so concerned with
Carson’s nomination they didn’t
even show up to voice their
Liberals, by
definition, are
supposed to be
tolerant’ and
‘broad-minded, ’
but in dealing
with Carson’s
confirmation,
they were
anything but.
opinions themselves.
One other person present
likened the Carson confirmation
hearings to those thut the U.S.
Senate goes through with U.S.
Supreme Court nominees.
Well, at least Anita Hill had
the guts to show up and face
questions concerning her allega
tions against Clarence Thomas.
Those who showed up at the
Student Senate meeting to com
plain were simply playing a
game of "he said" and "she
said."
Another person said a num
ber of students had told him
they had heard some "stuff"
that Carson was to have said
about certain ethnic groups.
That a friend of a friend of a
friend (etc.) "said" some “stuff”
has rarely ever been credited
with giving the most reliable
facts, and they certainly had no
place in a confirmation hearing.
The hypocrisy of the whole
hearing was summed up in a
quote Wednesday from an IFC
member. She said Carson was
"not the point” of the hearing.
The same member, ironically,
was one of three people who
signed a letter listing five points
of complaints concerning the
appointment, three of which
focused specifically on why
Carson, the individual, should
not be confirmed.
She was right in one respect,
though, because Carson — and
his political beliefs — should
not have been the point. The
"left" was certainly not right.
lake derg is news editor of
the Emerald