OPINION
Ace-Man, where are vou?
Evil-doors and innlcontonts
beware. Eugene has joined the
ranks of Motropolis and (ioth
am City with the recent d(*hut
of a costumed crimefighler of
its own.
Aco-Man is hero to stamp out
Injustice Eugene-style
Unfortunately, the poor guy
doesn't know what he's in for.
Kipplcs were felt in obscure
circles shortly after the Fourth
of July weekend, when Ace
Man mode a public relations
stop at KLSR TV. Those on
hand for the impromptu ap
pearance where as Impressed
with his shrewd diplomacy as
they were with his road-work
er-orange spandev leotards.
His true identity obscured by
a black hood, Aco-Man de
clared himself the "new super
hero for the 90s”. And although
he offered no specifics, agenda
items included saving the
world and solving our Earthly
problems.
Before making a graceful exit.
Ace-Man loft the stunned on
lookers with his stirring motto:
"I'm big and I'm orange.”
Aco-Man hopped into u red
pickup truck, driven by a still
unknown trusty sidekick, and
sped off into the mean streets of
Eugene.
The first confirmed sighting
of Ace-Man prompted more
questions than it answered If
the comic brxiks are to lx? be
lieved, remaining an enigma is
very important for the average
superhero. No doubt, Ace-Man
has u host of arch-enemies ea
ger to discover his true, mild
mannered identity and his
Achilles' heel, which a super
hero, if ho is to moot the strict
definition of a superhero, must
have.
However, several questions
must be answered before the
crime-plagued citizens of Eu
gene can take heart in their new
super-guardian.
VVhat kind of superhuman
abilities are at Ace-Man's dis
posal? Fantastic strength? X-ray
vision? Incredible crimebusting
gadgets?
If Aco-Man Intends to clean
up Eugene he's going to require
some attribute well-suited for
the more mundane crimes that
plague a quint, college town
Perhaps a supedup mountain
hike to run down those who
show no respect for well-rea
soned laws by riding their hikes
through the campus quadran
gle
One thing's clear If Ace-Man
is serious about the superhero
bit, he should ditch the truck
Where did Ace-Man come
from? Real superheroes invari
ably either originate in the lab
oratory or from the most distant
roaches of the cosmos
Ace Man's revelation that he
Intends to solve our "Earthly
problems” would seem to indi
cate an otherworldly birth
place But his taste for orange
spandox suggests a checkered
past as an unstable construc
tion worker. Superman got
away with a questionable red
and blue ensemble, but then
again, no one's going to tease a
guy who uses Iron bars as
twisty-ties
To further complicate things,
when Ace-Man dubbed himself
the new superhero for the
1900s, he showed a complete
lack of understanding for the is
sues that any modern super
hero must face.
Superman and his Cold War
super-comrades had it easy, as
far as meting out Justice goes
They fought evil-doers at a time
when evil-doing was fashion
able. Lex Luthor made no
bones about his malevolent in
tentions. The Legion of Doom
would rise from the bottom of
the sea every week to hatch a
new plot to rule the world. And
if they weren't plotting world
domination, the Communists or
some other easily Identifiable
group was
Stopping their plans was a
piece of cake. All Superman
had to do was break through a
concrete wall ami freeze Lex
Luthor with a super-cold puff
of air before ho could lake' the)
krvptonile out of the load (xix
Today, those doing tho harm
have learned from Lex Luthor's
mistakes They don't march
around with kryptonite, and
thov don't rise from tho ocean
depths In a big purple huithln
They hide behind ballot
measures and glit/y television
ads. which mask their destruc
tive ideas in good intentions
So. Ace-Man. tf you're really
serious about lipping the scales
of justice on the side- of gixxi.
here are you're first assign
ments
• Stop the CX'A's attempt to re
turn Oregon to the dark ages
with their ultra-reactionary
agenda If you're still looking
for an arch-enemy, here you go.
Ace-Man. If you're the super
hero for the 90s, the (X)A is
definitely this decade's Legion
of Doom Lex Luthor has noth
ing on (XIA head-honcho, and
scx>n-to-be gubernatorial candi
date. Al Mobetoy
• Preserve the few remaining
stands of old-growth forest. Su
perman would just fly around
the iiarth counter-* lex kwlse so
fast that it would (urn back the
clock. Then we would just take
steps to prevent the destruction
that has already occurred
What are you going to do.
Ace-Man? It's one thing to
chain yourself to u tree, hut
something cjulle different to
jump the necessary political
hoops and effect any real
change Maybe Ace-Man has
superhuman oratory skills
• Rollback Measure 5 II we in
tend to move from a resource
based economy to one that is
more knowledge-oriented, a vl
abln system of higher education
must be a statewide priority
Measure 5 threatens that by
causing budget cuts and tuition
hikes. Ace-Man may !«• big and
orange, but doe* he have fiscal
savvy?
Ace-Man. where are you?
How do we call you. anyway?
Does anyone have a big. orange
spotlight?
Experienced
CRIMINAL
DEFENSE
CALL
HUGH DUVALL
Vonlrgd A Clark,
Attorney a. P.C.
345-3333
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