DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
i know you bek**> you uiettsfond what you hr* i scad ft./ lam not suo you mam that
whsrt you heard e not what I rhtx//
— Ancrtyncus
l by MefcwW# S)++d
Did you ever wonder what ft wcxid be
■me to be able to look thrrxjgh" another
fx/nan being"? bke an X-ray picture you
couia observe phy*o*og>c functions such as
an increase in heart rate, high Wood pres
sure and an increase n resp#afion vou
probably would have iked ESP (Extra Sen
sory Perception) better but these body
functions are some of the physotogc signs
of lying According to John Utty. who has
worked with doiphns for years reasons 'hat
dolphins, who use sonar to communicate
wouid have to be honest all the time be
cause of the* transparency to other doi
phns !tw communication system could
explain the highly ethical behavior of do*
phrvs We humans tec eve most of our rspvit
vttua»y then translate our perception of
what we see into words which are subject
to sende and receiver errors The article win
look of causes of breakdowns m communi
cation
A monologue as a source of commurnca
t.on breakdown is different than a dialogue
A monologue B when I tel my story, you ten
you/ story, and neither of us hears the oth
er's story We tak AT each other but not
WITH each other It s ike a couple tunning
toward each other with outstretched arms
and passing each other on the way Mono
logues leave our ntmacy ana carrig reeds
unfurled
Oalogue commurvcates true presence
Vou see me Your eyes see more than my
!ps moving Vou see my facial expressions
my body language, you re aware of the
torse of my voice fluency of spoken wotas
and the distance between us Non-judg
mental kstenrsg and honesty are a&o as
pects of dialogue With rson-judgmenta us
terkng, you try to capture as much as poss*
bie of the meanng of the message being
sent without trying to calculate a response
or getting hooked mto a debate Honesty
means sharing yourself so that l know who
you ore
Another block to communication is the
failure to express red feelings, non-asser' ve
'■■oss Assert veness sometimes is equated
win aggressiveness which cor. eod to re
wf'once to s’a’e you< needs Assertiveness
0 "<-'s *,om aggression in that w;th asse'f.ve
'css you state you» needs and you keep
the res of communrcatioo open for e*
omp«e an agg»essve remark wcxJd be to
snout at your roommates to Shut up
You 'o nosy1 versus an assertive response
l can t hear tne 'eepnone Coud you
pease be qsjet? The first response s nos
• le while the second response is respectful
Beyrg assertive means when we say yes
we mean yes" if we discount out feeing*
as unimportant, things get potted up fo>de
arid con make us sick
Seemg the world m absolutes b'ocks our
communication for example rigid state
ments such os "She'll neve' change or
You can t trust a poificion imrts the way
we view tne world sets us up fa debate
ond con cause people to move away smce
there 3 no use taking to him "
Playing games n communication can be
frustrating, energy consuming and ulti
mately. everyone loses The setup fa a
game begns when someone offers a mes
sage that naes the true meaning a cbm a
loaaea question such as Where ore you
gong iomorrowr when the person really
mearn "I wont us to go hiking tomorrow
The gome gains momentum when trie oth
er peisai takes the bait it reaches a cima*
when the initiator switches into o "poor
pfy 1 roie a becomes beitgerent The best
rqe n staying out of game praying s to em
pty ten the truth
Effective communcafion involves Deng
vulnerable which may connote weakness
yet. it s where we are being vulnerable we
are generally our strongest While we can
not communicate ike dolphins, we can
master the art and skit of communication
with practice The rewards are wen worth
the effort Reaching inwad to find out who
we ore by puttng as.de defense mechon
isms ana puking off ai Those masxs aiiows us
?o enter the richness of mtmacy
f ASSERTIVE BILL OF RIGHTS y
* Set your own goals and make you own decisions )
* Be treated with respect
‘ Hove and express your own opinions and feelings
' Sdy ' no'' to requests
* Ask for wrtxjt you want
* Make mist ok es
* Ask for help or emotional support
* Use the ocMce of others as you see fit
* Change your mind
* lake time to slow down and think f
• Assertiveness basicolty means the ability to state your
needs and stil keep the lines of communication open
| with another person Do you actually exercise these
rights0 if you don't exercise these rights then you realty .
, don't have them .,
CONTACT
I believe
The greatest gift
I can conceive of having
from anyone
is
to be seen by them,
heard by them,
to be understood
and
touched by them.
The greatest gift
I can give
is
to see, hear, understand
and to touch
another person.
When this is done
I feel
Contact has been made
by Virginia Satir
UNMASKING THOUGHTS
TO FIND FEELINGS
leoimgs whether frightening or wondorfui, are probaPy the
most mistreated end msundorstood ghs wo have os human
beings Wo run from thorn, drug thorn, mimmtfo thorn, judge
thorn ciitici/o thorn and repress thorn And yet o life tuny Irvod
a Irvod fun of 'oolings
One of 'ho mistaken idontitios that feelings havo taken on is
tha1 of being a thought — a feeing s not a thought Thoughts
originate in tho grey matter of the cotoOral code* which is the
surfaco of tho Pam foetmgs or ginato n the ImPc sys'om po<
tion of tho Dram When a porson says "I fool thot decision
ihcnid Do repealed that is not a feeing docous© ropoaiod
is not a fooing repealed is an opnion Angor joy sad
noss four to name a few classify as feotmgs Wo havo feelings
Doforo wo have thoughts Dat in a fraction of a socond our co
'Otvctl cotton protests our feeling* until our thoughts super im
pose themselves on our footings
A second mistaken identity is that certain foolmgs aro
good and others aro Dad toolings aro not good or
Dad . fhoy just aro Most of us learned certain emotions were
OK , whtio ofhor ©motions wo<o not, like angor, sadness and
'oar Bomg cheerful is much mot© acceptable, comfor’abio
and moro fcoiy to Do rowa'dod Dy parents ’eachors and sig
ry (leant others them an exposson of an omotion like anger, for
oxampio Th© action token on a fooling may Do consorod or
subject to praiso Dot tho actual footing s not right or wrong
What loads to poPoms ao tho judgments wo attach to too
mgs it o ’ho repressing and avoiding of foeiings that can lead
to sickness
Th© 'osur! of attaching judgments to footmgs 5 trial many
poopn have aaiod their awaronoss of their footings in fact
therr awaronoss may Docomo so dutod fhoy may no’ <now
what they aro feeimg in an cultures of tho wad children expo
nonce tow Dose ©motions joy. gr of angor and four Other
foeiings com© ftom a mixture of Those ©motions Which ones
wore you aiowod ana not allowed to oxpess'5 An omotion
such as anger S powerful and pretending it's no! thoro won t
mako it go away if that onorgy is turnod inward 11 coiid on
couago illness If anger is turned outward 1! can Do destructrv©
of it can Do construct vo aopondmg on tho action you cnooso
Again tno ©motion itself is no* good a Dad it 3 mo ac
tion you take uDcm tho ©motion that can cause problems
If you ro trying to make a change wtthm you'soif tho first step
is Doing awoto of what you fooi If you ore oware of your fool
ngs thon Peaking aa hop's becomes oasior To net ease your
omofiona! awaronoss s'op and ask yourself. Who' am 1 fooi
ing° ' A' firs' It might heip to carry a -St 0f fooling wods
(such as happy contented sad menow 'roupoa mtimidarod
e'e ) so you con identify what n 8 you re footing
Ropossng painful emotions can cuuso hpm to your health
Who' you can do is poctice ©xpossmg your 'ooimgs by build
mg a Support network to hoip frock down your feelings and
deal with them Go' some good close friends a support group,
a ramify member o< whomever you fee comforfapo with to
exiemaW© those <eoimgs A if© fu*y rvod is full of all th© nu
ances of feelings
RESOURCES FOR REDUCING DISTRESS
It yoc noori to foflr Kmoffvno out tpre are some aooO resources on campus
Unrventt> Cour***ng Cad at
13m Srroe’ at Agate
346 3227
CntltHottn*
346 4488
24 vm! a aav
Con ltd BMotuton
U ot 0 Madia*on ft ogam
EMU 3)8
346-4240
fttyvcd A*T»#m»
Studart Hadm Can tat
3m Sf'oe' at Agc'e
346 4441
H*cJth Infomxdlcn
LDatTyW Planning logjam
Student >ieatti Centoi
346 4466
Rnanckd Concern*
Oftc* of 5hx3«n( Rnancid Aid
260 Oegon Hod
346 322!
Job location and Development
'.6!! AgcroS!'GOt
346 32!4
Academic Concern*
Oflke oi Acodemlc AcMiing
and Student Service*
'64 Oogon rta#
346 32';
Cceeer Planning and
Wocemenl
244 >wat r-tol
346 3236
Center lor Acodemic learning
Service*
68 PIC
346 3226