OPINION
CJ
/
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Got them petition signin’ blues
THE FINE
PRINT
BY PAT MALACH
Here il is, two weeks into
tin; term and nary a politi
cal rally on campus to speak of
Generally by tins time the < am
pus is embroiled in rallies
against this, for that or celebrat
ing whatever
Itut don't let the lack of overt
political activism fool you The
river of right-thinking lobbyists
still flows strong through the
KMU. They are the brave souls
who, on a daily basis, far e the
cold shoulder and contempt of
the politic ally naive They are
... the petitioners
You've seen them in the
FMU Courtyard. You've seen
them on your way to the lush
bowl, and if you got to register,
you run through .1 gauntlet ol
them coining out of M,n Court
The petitioners are a wiles
group. They have to he. It's not
enough in this get-the hell-out
of-my-way world to wait for
people to approach them and
sign their political statements
Forcing political change means
going out and getting in peo
ple's faces.
One of the petitioners' most
effective tactics is the guilt
technic. The guilt technic is
successful because of its sim
plic ity It works on the theory
that you would rather sign the
damn paper than have to deal
with the condescending gaze of
someone who obviously fends
betrayed by your lack of politi
cal empathy.
For those of you who are
committed to never signing pe
titions, there is only one de
fense against the guilt technic
Never make; eye contact. Once
you have made eye contact
with the person the game is
over. liven the most stalwart of
petition avoiders will have a
difficult time saying no to the
desperate-looking activist.
Take the case of Marvin, an
innocent freshman heading into
the Fishbowl for a vegie bagel
Marvin makes eye contact with
a deceptively passive-looking
petitioner.
"Are you a registered Oregon
voter?”
"Yes.”
“Have you signed the pi-ti
iion against skinning [nippies
alive and then dropping them
from PLC?”
“No 1 haven't."
"Then you favor skinning
puppies alive and dropping
them from PLC."
"Well, not exactly
"Line 2r> please Thank uni
and have a good day
Let's review Marvin's road to
ruin. He broke the first rule by
m.iking eye contact and set
himself up for the guilt ploy. ()t
course, there are other options
Marvin (.mid have used first
of all, lie, lie, lie
For example:
“Are you a registered Oregon
voter?"
"No!"
They are the brave
souls who, on a
daily basis, face
the cold shoulder
and contempt of
the politically
naive. They are ...
the petitioners.
Generally, this response
would get him off the hook Hut
what if the petitioner throws
Marvin a slider
"Well, you're in luck You
just need to be a student here to
sign this one."
Now what should Marvin do?
Simple, lie again.
"Well golly, I've already
signed that petition ."
Again, this would normally
end the petitioner's pursuit of
your affirmation Unless, of
course, you're facing one of the
petitioner pros. These people
have heard them all and are not
put off so easily I o suet essful
iy dodge becoming a victim
you must be vigilant and pre
pared
"You didn't sign this. I'm the
only one collecting signatures
and 1 would have remembered
you."
The key here is to being able
to think fast on your feet
"Well a friend of mine who is
not a student wanted to sign
the petition and couldn't so she
signed my name instead.''
Once the lying tactic begins
lo snowball an,I the lilts am >;<■:
ting lugger and more far
fetched, revert to an old stand
by
"Look at the time we've
wasted talking about this I'm
late for class, sorry "
II you have some kind of sick
aversion to lying, there are al
ways thi’ avoid at all cost tac
tics employed by some of the
more experienced upper
classmen
The first of these tactic s is
the timing technic This in
volves three hasit steps, bust,
you have to spot the petitioner
right away Second, make sure
you are in a crowd of people
and you're not going to pass the
petitioner alone And third,
time it so that at least two other
people go past the petitioner
before you (in.
While the petitioner is occu
pied b\ "No, I'm not regis
tered," and ‘Wes, I have signed
that," you slip by unscathed
Naturally, if there are several
petitioners you must adjust
your timing pattern.
The examples provided here
merely skim the surface of pos
sibilities for skirting petition
collectors. There are infinite
possibilities lust use your
Imagination
1 would like to note howev er,
that sometimes signing the rare
petition can he fun. and not just
for the novelty of the experi
ence either. Now this is unlike
ly to happen, hut suppose the
(Jregon Citizens Alliance comes
to campus with one of its right
wing hate petitions Definitely
don't ignore this one
If an OCA petitioner asks for
your signature you should glad
ly oblige the person. But don't
sign your name Sign j T
Ossenpepper. or Half Overstreet
or anything else you can think
of.
.Simply not signing the peti
tion would he too easy. Use
your imagination and sign a
lake name. Let the OCA waste
its time and energy trying to
verify names like Marvin A
Fullinlino.
I‘ut M.ihuh is managing edi
tor of tho Emerald
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