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About Oregon daily emerald. (Eugene, Or.) 1920-2012 | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1987)
SPPA Continued from IB Estupido said. The desire is usually trig gered by an individual's fifth con secutive night of taking bong hits, especially if the happy hemp is native to El Salvador, he said. “It also is where the genetically in bred desire to really foul things up kicks into gear as well." he added. Dr. Flak 'n Stall credits some of these foul ups, bleeps and blunders to the fact that genetically created politi cians are severely paranoid. “They don’t trust anyone,” Stall said. “The press, the administration, the students, no one.” Stall said this was especiallly true of ASUO presidents. *It involves a lot of weird things with genes, sperm, ovum and icky things like that.9 — Dr. Yawn Mostly "Slime ‘I want to be Billy Wils’ Noson is a prime example of this," he said. "When Mostly, Estupido and I were interviewing him. his shifty eyes were constantly in motion. When we mentioned things like his protest at the University of El Salvador, the infamous health insurance program and other ASUO mishaps, he put on this smarmy smile and began speaking in doublespeak.” Mostly stressed the genetic creation of ASUO officials has. for the most part, been relatively harmless. There are two experiments that worry him. however, he said. "It seems the genetic scientists at the lab were trying to create a set of twins to get involved in the Incidently Feeless Conflict. Well there was a foul up,” he said. “Instead of creating two like minded and like-bodied IFC members, two diametrically opposed creations emerged: Run Munchkin and Bald Nowin. The second experiment also dealt with twins. Mostly said. Only this one went more right than the other, he said. “In a second attempt to create twins, there was yet another mix up. One of the twins. Slime Noson, turned into a perfect SRA machine politician. The other Flat Stanley Noson went on to become a writer for the Immorald. Figure that one out,” Mostly said. Personal Problems PROBLEMS? So what? You're not the only one. bud dy, no Keep em to yourself! ttn BECAUSE PEOPLE DARE Free Pregnancy Confidential, guaranteed Birth wrong_tin PRUNELLA: Will you over lorgive me’ I honestly thought that when you sug gested a condominium on the beach that there were four walls and a Kitchen Involved Can I help it if I don't Keep up on my Trudeau? POINDEXTER MAKE MONEY! HAGS TO RICHES n)lt yourself bordello) Put yourself through school! Impress your friends! Just send J5 9b to Box 69. Mustang, Nev and we'll tell you how! HURRY: ORDER TODAY AND RECEIVE YOUR FREE GENUINE DIAMELLE NECKLACE AND VEQOMATIC CHARM BRACELET!_ WHAT DO SURROGATE MOTHERS, fetons on death row, marxlsts, IRS •gents, mannequins and the Boys of this Lough have In common? We couldn't tell you, but the folks over at the Organ Commemorator can probably dream up some obscure connection. DR. WHOOPEE He's close, he’s easy, he's fun and he's SAFE i Ami he's jusl a phone (.all awa> Stereo Typing TYPOS-RUS Tequila 666 4343 Paiule 6404344 QUALITY TYPOS ERRORS PAPRS. RESMES. EDITTING, MENUSCRITS. THSIES, Grad Skool prooved IBM com patible. as a mailer of fact, we re com pallble with )usl about anything on two legs (or four, under the right cir cumstances!)_ MOE MOE THE TYPING PRO And for only five extra bucks you get Larry and Cutty_ Help Needed WE NEED: Writers, editors, advertisers, editors, production crew, editors, salespeople, editors, managers, editors, directors, editors, recap tlonlsts, editors, comptrollers, janitors, editors, and editors Apply in first per son, second person, or third person plural No relative pronouns, please THE IMMORALD IS NOT AFFIRMATIVE ACTION OR EOE. BUT SINCE WE DON'T PAY ANYWAY NO ONE REALLY CARES Instruction SONG SINGING and MAKINGIT-UP AS YOU GO ALONG TUNES 201, 52 credits Sat 32:30-32:40 Develop your ability to keep a tune In the shower and make up complex dit ties and rounds Learn to compose In the style ol Mother Goose songster Thelonius Marquart. famous lor his lilting rendition of Three Blind Mice Learn how to make up tunes to offend those irritating neighbors Develop you own style Catchy tunes and adolescence will be dlsussed Class Is open to any idiot stupid enough to think he needs a class to learn how to sing In the shower Knowledge of nuclear physics and transcentental meditation would be helptul, but not necessary ALWAYS ZUCUMOFF INSTRUCTOR Coup Continued from Page IB a telephone interview. The interview was taped when Belson called the Irnmorald office threatening to force his organiza tion’s point of view on administra tion officials he claimed to have taken hostage if the Irnmorald did not become enlightened and sur render within 24 hours. “Why can’t you guys just print good stuff about us in the paper. After all. 15 percent of your funding comes from inconsequential fees, and since we're student government 1 think we should be able to have you guys print whatever we say you should.” he said. When Belson was reminded of the First Amendment, which had to be explained to him as the amendment dealing with freedom of the press, he became flustered and infuriated and screamed. ‘‘If you ain’t pro gressive, you ain’t shit.” before slamming down the phone. Polyester Continued from Page 3B polyester would be stopped at the door by campus security. “We just think the public should follow our example and become more like us." Kugburn said. “And what bet ter way to start than with polyester.” According to informed sources, department officials also are discussing ways to test athletes for polyester use. Rugburn would not comment on the testing proposal. Why is this man smirking ? Because the Marines only take a few good men - and there's nothing he likes better than n good man. A & C GUNS FREE BULLETS with W THE PURCHASE OF ANY HANDGUN This weeks special all aluminum gun good for at least one shot. only $10.99 Remember A.H. says : Guns don't kill people - bulJets do. Lc Get your free bulJets today ! That's not just newsprint on your hands. The Immorald uses recycled toilet paper as its paperstock.
