Opinion
Hey, fool ain’t you got no respect for your own self?
The AIDS epidemic has gone loo far.
The dread disease is nor only effecting faggots and queers
but has begun to claim the lives of boat people, mteruterinc
drug users, homopheliacs and even some hetrosexuals.
Worstly. our barnyard animals are in danger.
The community apparently did not heed our warning earlier
this year when we recommended that all sex with barnyard
animals be terminated. As a result, statistics show that, locally,
as many as 33.000 animals and their owners have been in
flected with this disease.
This tragic occurrence could have been prevented had
animal owners uterized certain precautionary safe-sex prac
tices outlined in the Feb. 29 edition of the Barometer.
Cowvallis already has suffered its First fatalities. Farmer
Ebner Coogley. a 40-year resident of our fair city, and his milk
cow Bessie, a 17-year-old Hereford, fell pray to the dread
disease yesterday.
Ebner and Bessie contracted the disease within three days of
each other last January. Bessie's illness first came to the atten
tion of Ebner when he went out to milk her early one morning
and noticed a small cancerous-looking sore on one of her teats.
He immediately became concerned and called in the family
vetrinarian. Dr. Milk Bones. Bones examined Bessie's teats,
took a blood sample and several hours later informed Ebner of
the dreaded news.
Upon hearing the dreaded news. Ebner collapsed into a de
jected slump (it was at first difficult to ascertain this as Ebner
had never had the best posture). When Ebner hadn't snapped
out of his slump three days later. Bones was called in to ex
amine him as well, and once agin the diagnosis came back —
AIDS
Because Ebner and Bessie had been so close (hey were hous
ed and treaied in the same stall, where they remained until they
died
Upon questioning the other barnyard animals, it was
discovered that Ebner and Bessie had been having clandestine
relations with each other for 15 of the past 17 years. It was
determined that the two did not use safe-sen practices and that
Ebncr didn't even wash his hands before milking Bessie.
In addition. Ebner’s mail carrier said he once witnessed
Ebncr licking Bessie's teats dry once he'd finished milking
her.
We cannot stress enough the dangers involved when animal
owners ignore simple precautKmary measures and come into
such dose personal contact with their animals, There is no way
of telling how many times or how many people in our fair city
have poured Bessie's milk over their com flakes in the
morning.
Judging from the number of people, and animals, in our fare
city that have been diagnosed with AIDS, we would say it was
alot.
We would like to reiterate recommendations we made earlier
this year so that further spread of this dread disease can be
haltered:
Know your animals well before having sex with them: it is
advisable to check their health and their awareness of the
dangers involved
Eliminate unsafe sexual practices These include anal inter
course, oral anal contact, oral contact with semen and cow
licks.
Sterilize all sex toys before use with your animals.
Proper use of condoms reduces the chance of exchanging
body fluids — it matters not whether it be semen or milk
Avoid eating out of your animals' slough troughs and
buckets Don't allow them to lick your plate dean
Just because we didn’t become aware of the AIDS problem
until just this year doesn't mean we can't take preventative
measures now Once we gain control of the problem here, we
can go after those faggots and queers that caused the problem
in the first place.
Fencing
Motivational Suicide
To the editor:
What? Can this really be? A Moo U. Geek
system without alcohol? Well that is just un
Moo U. like. It's motivational suicide?
Alcohol is the oil that keeps our beloved Geek
machine running We just can't get rid of it
just because a ample bad apples got drunk,
and went out rabble-rousing and cow-tipping.
I mean, cow-tipping is as American as wat
ching the grass grow or other dumb things we
do here in Cow-Town. And really think about
it. do you think that anyone, even Geeks
would be stupid enough to go out Cow
Tipping without the help of alcohol? And
cow-tipping is a badly needed way to control
the cow population that a lot of people don't
think about So we urge the IFC to reconsider
its proposal and save the alcohol, we love it
Dyin “To drink" Mooer
Senior in Mechanical Engineering
Mr. Ed policy
The Daily Bare Staff welcomes any editorial
that has anything to do with Mr. Ed That is
right, now is your chance to write your opi
nion on the greatest talking horse of all-time
For a Mr. Ed editorial to be considered for
publication, personal consultation with our
Mr. Ed Page Editor is advised.
Mr. Ed Editorials must he typed, double
spaced and generally. 2-3 pages in length
(We realize it is hard to stay within 2-3 pages
when you are talking about a great guy like
Mr. Ed. but we just don't have the space, day
in and day out). All Mr. Ed Editorials will he
considered for publication, but due to the
limited space, brevity is encouraged
Mr. Ed Editorials must include the author s
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major, and barn number
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All Mr Ed Editorials are subject to Mr
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The Daily Bare meter reserves the right to
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published
Bare StalT
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Mr. Ed, shown above in a suit and tie. will be the new Editorial pane eilitor for
the Harenwter. We here at the Barometer are just tickled pink to have the oppor
tunity to work with the greatest talking horse ol all-time. I.ook for his new
editorials starting immediately. Mr. Ed came to us with a promise that he
would never feed our audience a lot of horse s**t, which we have been acused of
in the past.