Campus
Cows wander freely here, we like cows
By Caraeeds Moreshrll
(H Ikr ■■timtlif
A herd of cows mysteriously
wandered imo downtown Cowvallis
yesterday, creating a traffic jam and
a curious band of white onlookers.
Authority figures aren't sure
where the mooing cows came from
hut rumor has it. (and this is the best
place to find rumors) they were at
tracted by the mating smell of a
large bull parked in a trailer on
Main St.
According lo locals. Cowvallis, a
village located somewhere between
the Pacific Ocean and the Cascade
Mountains, has a large population of
cows. The white folks frequently
walk the cows as a daily chore and
the animals are considered a
member of most families
**Wc used to have ‘Cow Day' a
few years back. We'd git together
and tic ribbons on the cows and
parade ‘cm through town. But it was
nothing ever like this.” said Ned the
™WIh " *
(josh. you mean you nutty cattle experimenters injected this new goop into 57
«/►». M chickens and eight sheep, then none of them got sick or died' WW it * a
wonder drug'"
Fanner.
To reach the downtown location,
most of the cows were forced to
knock down fences and travel on
neighborhood streets with many
leaving large droppings along the
way. As a result, fertiliser sales are
ex petted to plummet.
The crowd of onlookers, which
authonty figures estimated at 500.
started calling out meat prices at one
point during the day with 90c the
going rate. But authonty figures in
tervened and calm was restored.
The crowd remained, however,
and within minutes a hot dog stand
began selling beef franks at reduced
prices.
Some of the cows ventured into
the middle of the street and were hit
and killed by fanners in pickup
trucks with gun racks By order of
the Cowvallis City Council, snow
plows moved in and cleared the
street of the dead animals before the
white folks had a chance to feed
their families.
The other cows, meanwhile, con
tinued to moo and mill around and
positioned themselves near the
trailer holding the bull
1
Avoid the
Hassle of
Buying
Tickets!
The Beavers are gonna lose as usual.
• There’s still time to sell your Student
Athletic Pass. Remember, there’s a sucker
born every minute.
• If you can’t sell your Student Athletic
Pass, don’t worry. You can clip it on your
bicycle spokes and pretend you’ve
graduated from goat ropin’ to
motocrossin’.
Sell your athletic pass at:
Memorial Union Ticket Office
10:30 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.
Wednesday, Tuesday, Thursday
•OR*
Swill Coliseum
8 a.m. to 8 a.m.
Monday through Monday
* Deadline: Anytime Yesterday
UN OPINYUN POLE
In order to better serve our
readers, the Baremeter recently con
ducted a poll to publicly evaluirtc
our format, editorial content and
choice of feature columns. While
the results were not as positive as
we had hoped, journalistic integrity
encourages us to print some of the
responses we received.
‘‘More stories from the wire!
Please! Good Lord, does the
Baremcter even have a staff? Sure
wouldn't know it by the number of
local stories you run — the only
thing you guys really cover well is
the annual Cow-pic Chucking Con
test. And then you run those ex
ploitive pictures of poor Miss Cow
pie Queen with her blouse dipping
down to her navel. I mean. I like to
sec voluptuous ta-tas as much as
anyone else, but there must he pi
relevcnt news happening on
campus."
— Jim-Bob Starkey
squirrel feeding major
‘‘I know you all have a Fencing'
heading atop your letters to the
editor. This sorta confuses me.
'cause in my whole life I’ve only
known two definitions for fencing
and one’s that fairy sport they play
over in Europe and the other's the
stuff what holds our cows in. I don't
know, hut I think other people might
sorta wonder about this too "
— Patsy Peconc
home economics major
‘'Time out with Ditch Me Person
sucks. This guy doesn't know shit
about sports, but he writes like he’s
the God-given authority on
everything. I especially like it when
the Bare meter runs two Time out
columns like they did on the 13th.
Oh sure, this column's so good,
people will be doubly happy if they
read two in one day. You know this
Ditch guy is someone who has never
been to a sporting event who sits
around playing butt darts with
friends on the weekend."
— Horse McDougle
football team major
“In my perception, the Barcmetcr
needs thorough restructuring to cor
rect catyaclismic errors in style,
layout and management. Intellec
tually speaking of course, the level
of correction would have to be so
lofty that I think it highly impossi
ble. however intense psychotherapy
and journalistic training for the staff
may make a slight nick in this
problem.”
—Henry Doitalldoitright
tortured intellectual
"Whoa dude, gotta love these
headlines ... "Sperm given little
chance of surviving.” "Mummified
mother found in rocking chair." so
what if all the stuff is happening in
some state I've never heard of. This
is interesting!
— Boff 'em Billy
skateboarding major
1 'l the daily ,
parameter
IS SEEKING SOMEONE WITH THE IN
TELLIGENCE OF FLY LARVAE, (AT LEAST),
WHO CAN MAKE MARKS ON PAPER THAT
TAKE UP A LOT OF SPACE SO WE WON’T
HAVE TO FILL SO MUCH EMPTY SPACE WITH
UPI COPY EVERY DAY.
HERE’S
LOOKING
AT
YOU,
KIEL.
IN THE YEARBOOK.
I'UKIKAIIS WILL Ht lARtn A I MOO UNION EAST
223
How would you like to pose for some tasteful nudes? Let
me expose your inner sensuality with my telephoto lens.
Kendra Lee. Rhonda, Tana, and Tanna, you did it for
Playboy, now do it for your school yearbook. If the MCl’s
not your style I have a nice private studio at the motel
down the block. . .
•Sf