Off the Cuff
Once Upon A Time. . .
“I do not like green eggs and ham,
I do not like them,” said Son of Sam.
Children’s literature. We all
grew up with it. It was a rare day
when the pre-adolescent mind
was not blitzed by the stories of
Aesop and l>oc Suess.
It was from these stories that
the kids who grew up when I did
learned their values. I grew up
in the Age of the Metal Toy’.
When you hit another kid over
the head with your toy, his head
broke, not your toy.
Today, things arc different.
Kids grow up with values and
traits that arc much different
from the ones I knew, but
children's literature remains the
same Whal is needed are new.
up-to-date stories and fables
which reflect the values of corn
temporary society. Here is a
sampling of some updated
stories up for consideration.
Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
From there, he could pour
generic beer on the children as
they waited for the school bus
"Har Har Har Take that
you little rugrat.” Humpty
would say as he drenched a
small child.
From his vantage point atop
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the wall. Humpty would pilfer
as much loot as possible If he
saw something he especially lik
ed. say. a Johnny Quest lun
chbox. he would bound off the
wall, bum the kid with his
cigarette and make off with the
goods.
With the various goods he ob
tained from the children. Hump
ty would go to the pawnshop to
acquire large sums of money.
With this money. Humpty would
buy assorted hallucinogcnics.
One day Humpty took some bad
acid while silting atop the wall
and got fried He toppled to his
demise, scrambling his brain
over the sidewalk, '•s
The moral of this story: don't
be a bad egg
Jack Be Nimble
Jack be nimble. Jack be quick
Jack be in a hurry because he's
got lots of coppers chasing after
him since he looted the Seven
Eleven. Jack be running because
he spray painted "Jim Morrison
Lives" on the mayor's Fiat
Jack be hurting cause the cop
pers cornered him and used their
riot sticks to play a tune on his
face. Kids, if you be like Jack,
make sure you can run the 100 in
10-flat
Besides children's literature,
kid's TV shows also need to be
restructured to reflect values to
day. Let's face it, Mr Rogers
and the Cap'n just don’t cut it
anymore Here's a crew that
does
"The Brand New
Captain Kangeroo
Hour”
Wake up early as the captain
shows you all the things you
THE MORNING SHOW
Join Fuzzy, Wendy and Fred for their
unusual blend of news, contem
porary music and information.
Monday-Friday. 5:30 a.m.-10:00 a.m.
Then during the day join Rick
Hinrichs for more music and satire at
its best. Monday-Friday, 10:00
a.m.-2:00 p.m.
In the afternoons it's Mark Ellis and
Bob Valdez for your favorite hits and
extended local and national news
Monday-Friday, 2:00 p.m.-6:00 p.m.
Depend on KUGN AM 590 for coverage
of all the U of O games.
Sept 6 San Jose State in San Jose
Sept. 13.COLORADO at Autzen ..
Sept. 20.ARIZONA at Autzen
Sept 27 NEBRASKA in Lincoln
Oct 4 USC in Los Angeles
Oct 11 ARIZONA STATE at Autzen
7 00 PDT
.1 00 POT
1 00 PDT
1 30 PDT
1 30 PDT
1:00 PDT
Oct. 18 STANFORD at AulzenlH<MWoMnsi.l:00 POT
Oct 25 WASHINGTON in Seattle 1 00 POT
Nov l CALIFORNIA at Berkeley 1 00 PST
Nov 15 WASHINGTON ST at Autzen . 1:00 PST
Nov 22 OREGON STATE at Corvallis 1 00 PST
Illustration by Lorraine Rath
really need to know, like how to
hotwire a car and how to take a
cutting torch to parking meters.
"All right kids, let’s hide in
this dumpster and see the lt*>k
on Mr. Policeman’s face when
he discovers his patrol car has
varmxised. Hee-hcc-hec
Watch as that nutty Mr
Moose has fun with Captain's
weak heart "Hey. Captain The
producers are outside; your
show's just been cancelled
again
"Just kidding, ha. ha. ha
Mr Green Jeans provides
comic relief by holding food just
out of the reach of small
animals.
The whole gang is here with
the Captain It's lun for the
whole family.
“The Revised
Muppet Show”
The show has been overtaken
by special musical performer.
Ozzy Bear Ozzy performs
several numbers each show,
biting the head off a different
Muppet during each one Make
sure the kids see this one. Not
recommended for the faint of
heart
“Fun with Freddie"
Lxarmng is a pleasure when
you learn from Freddie Fred
die's classroom is the real
world, not some stuffy building.
Freddie w ill teach you all of the
tricks you need to stay ahead in
today's business world.
Problems with mathematics'
Learn the subject with Freddie's
kids
"So Billy, il 1 have $50 and
sell my friend's calculator for
$50 more, how much do I
have?’’
"Urn. $100?"
"Wrong. Trick question. I
look the money to buy a
sledgehammer and broke into
three cars, pilfering stereos
worth $395.95. Nice try
though "
Having troubles with physics?
Worry no more.
"If the shot from mV shotgun
travels at a velocity of I 4 x
K).(XK) meters per second and I
shoot it at the instructor, who is
running at a speed of 6.5 meters
per second 200 meters away
from me, how long will he live,
assuming non-elastic impact?”
Perplexing economics ques
tions will become clear after
Freddie takes you through his
econ lectures.
"Today. w«;'h<gbing to leirn
about the principle of barter. I m
gonna make a little trade with
Hank here. I'm gonna trade my
fist for his bike.”
Every once in a while. Fred
die will have the police depart
ment visit his show to help him
with a physical education lec
ture. Afterward, the officers
may or may not help Freddie
through a first aid lecture.
It's all there. A well-rounded
student is the student who grows
up with Freddie. “Fun with
Freddie” — don't deprive the
kids of this experience.
Like I said before, kids'
literature and TV need to be
revised This is a step in the
right direction Kids need
something to stimulate their
minds. As the immortal
philosopher Hermtc Schmut/
once said. "I think therefore I
raid gumball machines."
A mind is a terrible thing to
waste, isn't it?
- JIM WEEKS
Spectrum_
A publication of the Oregon Daily Emerald
Editor.Curtis Condon
Assistant Editor..Stephen Maher
Contributors: Lucinda Dillon, Bobbie Lo, Ross Martin,
Lorraine Rath, Laurie Schwartz, Marty Schwarzbauer, Jim
Weeks•
'Cover photo by Michael Wilhelm
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