Off the Cuff Once Upon A Time. . . “I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them,” said Son of Sam. Children’s literature. We all grew up with it. It was a rare day when the pre-adolescent mind was not blitzed by the stories of Aesop and l>oc Suess. It was from these stories that the kids who grew up when I did learned their values. I grew up in the Age of the Metal Toy’. When you hit another kid over the head with your toy, his head broke, not your toy. Today, things arc different. Kids grow up with values and traits that arc much different from the ones I knew, but children's literature remains the same Whal is needed are new. up-to-date stories and fables which reflect the values of corn temporary society. Here is a sampling of some updated stories up for consideration. Humpty Dumpty Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. From there, he could pour generic beer on the children as they waited for the school bus "Har Har Har Take that you little rugrat.” Humpty would say as he drenched a small child. From his vantage point atop TOMORROW IS THE . LAST DAY! Oregon West -fitness ACT NOW! 1/2 Price Membership Student Discount Good Through October 31 ONLY! No tong form contract* • tow monthly taa* P8P BEST HOURS • BEST PRICES 6am • 11pm 485- 1475 Franklin Bhrd. 7 Day* • Waak 1624 Aero** Irom Campu* h —■ d the wall. Humpty would pilfer as much loot as possible If he saw something he especially lik ed. say. a Johnny Quest lun chbox. he would bound off the wall, bum the kid with his cigarette and make off with the goods. With the various goods he ob tained from the children. Hump ty would go to the pawnshop to acquire large sums of money. With this money. Humpty would buy assorted hallucinogcnics. One day Humpty took some bad acid while silting atop the wall and got fried He toppled to his demise, scrambling his brain over the sidewalk, '•s The moral of this story: don't be a bad egg Jack Be Nimble Jack be nimble. Jack be quick Jack be in a hurry because he's got lots of coppers chasing after him since he looted the Seven Eleven. Jack be running because he spray painted "Jim Morrison Lives" on the mayor's Fiat Jack be hurting cause the cop pers cornered him and used their riot sticks to play a tune on his face. Kids, if you be like Jack, make sure you can run the 100 in 10-flat Besides children's literature, kid's TV shows also need to be restructured to reflect values to day. Let's face it, Mr Rogers and the Cap'n just don’t cut it anymore Here's a crew that does "The Brand New Captain Kangeroo Hour” Wake up early as the captain shows you all the things you THE MORNING SHOW Join Fuzzy, Wendy and Fred for their unusual blend of news, contem porary music and information. Monday-Friday. 5:30 a.m.-10:00 a.m. Then during the day join Rick Hinrichs for more music and satire at its best. Monday-Friday, 10:00 a.m.-2:00 p.m. In the afternoons it's Mark Ellis and Bob Valdez for your favorite hits and extended local and national news Monday-Friday, 2:00 p.m.-6:00 p.m. Depend on KUGN AM 590 for coverage of all the U of O games. Sept 6 San Jose State in San Jose Sept. 13.COLORADO at Autzen .. Sept. 20.ARIZONA at Autzen Sept 27 NEBRASKA in Lincoln Oct 4 USC in Los Angeles Oct 11 ARIZONA STATE at Autzen 7 00 PDT .1 00 POT 1 00 PDT 1 30 PDT 1 30 PDT 1:00 PDT Oct. 18 STANFORD at AulzenlHk on Mr. Policeman’s face when he discovers his patrol car has varmxised. Hee-hcc-hec Watch as that nutty Mr Moose has fun with Captain's weak heart "Hey. Captain The producers are outside; your show's just been cancelled again "Just kidding, ha. ha. ha Mr Green Jeans provides comic relief by holding food just out of the reach of small animals. The whole gang is here with the Captain It's lun for the whole family. “The Revised Muppet Show” The show has been overtaken by special musical performer. Ozzy Bear Ozzy performs several numbers each show, biting the head off a different Muppet during each one Make sure the kids see this one. Not recommended for the faint of heart “Fun with Freddie" Lxarmng is a pleasure when you learn from Freddie Fred die's classroom is the real world, not some stuffy building. Freddie w ill teach you all of the tricks you need to stay ahead in today's business world. Problems with mathematics' Learn the subject with Freddie's kids "So Billy, il 1 have $50 and sell my friend's calculator for $50 more, how much do I have?’’ "Urn. $100?" "Wrong. Trick question. I look the money to buy a sledgehammer and broke into three cars, pilfering stereos worth $395.95. Nice try though " Having troubles with physics? Worry no more. "If the shot from mV shotgun travels at a velocity of I 4 x K).(XK) meters per second and I shoot it at the instructor, who is running at a speed of 6.5 meters per second 200 meters away from me, how long will he live, assuming non-elastic impact?” Perplexing economics ques tions will become clear after Freddie takes you through his econ lectures. "Today. w«;'h