| Off the ( nil
Photo by Ross Martin
A New Form of Litter is Afoot
I don't want to alarm you. hut
Kugene has a new litter problem,
and it's not just a local issue
either.
The shady boulevards weav
ing through Golden Gate Park
have the same problem, as do
the dusty mountain roads bran
ching off the McKenzie
Highway and Interstate 5
blacktop. The one-shoe-in-the
middle-of-thc-road appears
everywhere, and I’m still trying
to figure out why
Where do they come from?
They’re all shapes and sizes:
sturdy men's dress shoes; sleek,
sexy high heels; well worn, fuz
zy slippers; scuffed, battered
sneakers and even palm sized
baby sandals All abandoned,
lonely and streetwise
I'm no social scientist, but
I've got a few theories about
how these footloose critters
come to park themselves in the
middle of the roadway. I'm sure
the stork didn't bring them, nor
did the opossums playing dead
beside them
How often have you heard the
lament, ‘I really put my foot in
my mouth this time!’? It's much
easier to do this after removing
your shoe, isn't it?
My sociological hypothesis is
that once people take off their
shoe to insert fool, they often
forget to put the shiv on again
In fact, individuals displaying
chronic foot-in-mouth aberra
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tional tendencies may find it
more convenient to have one
fool shoeless at all times to allow
for quicker oral insertion.
Or perhaps this phenomenon
makes more sense from a
psychological perspective.
Parents who survived the Great
Depression, and children reared
by the survivors, carry a
shoebox full of guilt under their
arm whenever they're tempted
to discard a pair of shoes with
still lots-of-wear-in-'em The
leather is in good condition, but
the style is outdated The shoes
still fit. but the color nflrhmger
pleases.
Now, if a person accidently
loses one shoe then there’s in
stantly a guilt free reason to buy
a new pair “Mom, as Johnny
and I were driving to school this
morning, hanging our feet out
the car window as we always do,
my old running shoe just unlaced
itself and dropped off when I
wasn't looking "
My one shoe ism' principle of
economics is not without merit
either The conspiracy theory
ties in as well. Only the com
munists can't claim credit for
this one These conspirators
pixliatrists and shoe sellers —
plan to create a more secure
foothold in your discretionary
income.
Studies show that within a
two-mile radius of every foot
doctor and shoe store, more one
shoe in-the-middle-of-the-road
litter collects than in any other
area Makes sense, doesn't it?
If one shoe disappears from
your doorstep or closet, you'll
be forced to wear the remaining
one out of economic necessity.
At least until the blisters and ab
normal gait become chronic.
Then you hobble to your
neighborly p*xiiatrist to seek
relief. The doctor, in turn,
prescribes a visit to your friend
ly shoe merchant for a new pair
of shoes, just as they planned it
under the Golden Arches.
Economics, however, can't
explain the entire one-shoe pro
blem That’s where the politics
of shoe-ins fit. Inspired by the
love-ins and sit-ins of the tur
bulent 60's, political activists
a biological explanation of one
shoe-in-the-middle-of-the-road.
In the New Age of Aquarius, our
conciousness and awareness
may be evolving. Why not our
bodies as well? From quadruped
to biped to umped.
Awakening in the middle of the
night. Schrieber was astonished
to discover that his two legs had
fused into one. Hopping out of
bed. he tried to hide the truth
from Hemuone lying next to him
Now, if a person accidently loses
one shoe then there’s instantly a guilt
free reason to buy a new pair: “Mom,
as Johnny and I were driving to school
this morning, hanging our feet out the
car window as we always do, my old
running shoe just unlaced itself and
dropped off when I wasn’t looking.’’
arc now ready to organize shoe
ins to demonstrate for equality
and civil rights Walk around in
another's shoes, they cry If the
shoe pinches economically, the
oppressors will negotiate when
the shoe’s on the other foot, they
shout. Flashing the peace sign
no longer makes a strong
political statement. Instead,
leaving one shoe-in-the-middle
of the-road lets people know ex
actly where you stand
Finally, your stand on the
theory of evolution may deter
mine your willingness to accept
by heaving the extra, un
necessary shoe out the bedroom
window. He heard it larul
(thwunk!) on the street below.
Relieved, he fell into a fitful,
restless sleep.
Confused? I am. loo. So many
theories but no concrete
answers. Where do all those
one-shoe-in-the-middle-of-the
road come from?
Maybe, in the fall, when the
shoe trees shed their . . .
KAREN D. MYERS
Spectrum _
A publication of the Oregon Daily Emerald
Editor. Curtis Condon
Assistant Editor...Stephen Maher
Contributors: Sean Axmaker, Karen Creighton, Steve Hayes, Ross
Martin, Mike McGraw, Karen D. Myers, Steve Wall, Michael
Wilhelm.
Cover illustration by Steve Hayes
I he editors util not he responsible for unsolicited manuscripts or artwork.
Submissions must include a stamped, self addressed envelope.
Vl riter »• guidelines may be puked up at the Oregon Daily Emerald office,
Km. KX), Erb Memorial Union Mailing address for Spectrum magazine is
P O Box M59, Eugene, CXrcgon 9740 k