Men
Continued from Page 1
intense examination of what
you think, feel and believe and
do, and what others think, feel
and believe and do."
Though Hymen found the
symposium uncomfortable and
intense at times, he said, “It’s
made me think about the roles
I’ve adopted as a man.”
Hymen described an ex
periential workshop he attend
ed with about 40 other men and
women who shared ideas and
frustrations about sexuality.
First, the men sat silently in
concentric circles around the
women, who expressed difficul
ty in finding sensitive, com
municative men who were will
ing to commit themselves to a
relationship.
Hyman said that when the
groups traded places, however,
the men voiced feelings that
women too often stereotyped
them, rather than meeting them
as individuals. Also they said
the women weren’t alone in
having problems finding
members of the opposite sex
who were sensitive and
communicative.
Hymen said that while many
women commonly feel a man’s
main motive for dating is to
have sex, many of the men feel
women are primarily after a free
dinner or a free night on the
town.
“Men can be friends and that
while sexual interest or attrac
tion is what brings many men
towards women, it’s not the on
ly thing men want to explore,”
Hymen said. “But it is there,
and not something men should
feel guilty about,” he said.
“Sitting on the outside,
listening to the women talk was
angering because you couldn’t
talk, and you wished they could
hear why men do those things,
act that way,” Hymen explain
ed. "I felt as though they didn’t
have the full picture, and it’s
hard to expect them to because
they’re operating from a
women’s perspective. I felt both
angry and curious and also ex
cited to hear how women feel.”
Some of the women said they
had gotten negative reactions
when they initiated a romance
with a man. However, Hymen
said this surprised him, and
that he wished women would
share this risk of rejection with
men more often.
Although the workshop had
tense moments, Hymen said it
ended on an optimistic note.
“There still remains a signifi
cant gap in communication,
understanding,” he said. “Yet
all the participants expressed a
determined interest in commit
ting themselves, in wanting to
improve the communica
tion ... to be more open, more
direct, more communicative, to
bridge some of the gap."
Meanwhile, at another sex
uality workshop — this one ex
clusively for men — Stephen
Schweitzer, assistant counsel
ing psychology professor, talk
ed with another man, and they
each shared an intimate
memory. “It was a very positive
experience,” he said, adding
that men don’t usually ex
change emotions about
sexuality.
At a Saturday workshop, San
Francisco-area psychologist and
author Jed Diamond led about
40 men and women in a
masculinity and power
workshop.
The group divided into
“wimps” and "wife beaters,”
and participants walked silently
about the room, portraying their
assigned roles. After several
minutes of walking, each
“wimp” matched up with a
“wife beater” for a one-on-one
non-verbal communication ex
ercise. The “wimps” sat on the
floor, looking up at the “wife
beaters” towering over them.
Then everybody switched roles,
and repeated the exercise.
Diamond instructed people to
exaggerate their roles as they
walked, and many “wife
beaters” began swinging their
elbows aggressively.
After everyone had played
both roles, Diamond instructed
participants to choose one or
the other, and go to designated
sides of the room. On one side,
about half of the men and
women discussed why they
opted to be “wimps,” while on
the other side of the room, the
rest of the group compared their
decisions to be "wife beaters.”
The choice was difficult for
Marv Clifford, a Portland
clinical social worker who at
tended the workshop. “Since I
had to choose between the two,
I did not like not having power.
It wasn’t positive power
necessarily.”
Clifford said the workshop
was trying at times. “I had feel
ings. Roles like ‘wimp’ and
‘wife beater’ were hard.”
On the other hand, McCrea
decided to go to the “wimps’”
side of the room. “When I was a
‘wife beater’ it felt real uncom
fortable to be standing over
someone,” he said.
McCrea said he was afraid to
become a "wimp,” and that the
others in his group expressed
the same inhibition. ‘‘You find
out that a lot of your feelings are
shared feelings, and that you’re
not weird,” he said. ‘‘Putting a
label on it as ‘wimp’ makes it
not OK, I guess. It's just having
fears. It’s not being wimpish.
Fears like everybody else.”
Diamond said, “When we
start to embrace the ‘wife
beater’ and the ‘wimp’ and not
run away from them, we begin
Photo by Jim Marfco
Psychologist Jed Diamond, author of "Inside/Out: Becoming
My Own Man,” conducts a conference workshop on male
relationships.
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to feel... the lo9t part of
ourselves.”
He said, “Both lack basic
trust in the world.”
As Diamond guided the
group through a creative
visualization exercise, he
discussed the “warrior” ability
in an individual — to recognize
and allow the expression of
both the aggressive and the
passive personalities.
In Saturday’s opening speech
about masculinity and power,
Raymond Lowe, a counseling
psychology professor, said peo
ple often use domination to gain
a sense of control when they
feel inferior.
Lowe told the story of a little
boy who punched his friend in
the hallway at school, and an
nounced that the two of them
are “the worst.”
“How little do we appreciate
that to be the best ‘worst’ gives
prominence within the group,”
Lowe said.
Inferiority complexes —
depression and low motivation
— often overtake people with
power syndromes who don’t get
their way, Lowe said.
The feelings of inferiority are
natural, but people get in trou
ble when they don’t know how
to channel those feelings suc
cessfully. The myth of
masculinity calls for male
dominance, he said. It is a myth
as ancient as the Old Testament.
“We do have a brain. We do
have a conscience. We do have
a will for the good. As long as
the man clings to the myth of
male superiority he cannot live
in peace with himself or with
women,” Lowe said. “Indeed,
social equality is probably the
greatest struggle of our time.”
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