Thursday, April 1,1982
Track Town, II.S.A.
not the
Collector'* Edition
Signed and Numbered
emerald
Not
Inside
Article* not on mstde pages
Horton hoars a toot University
Defense Secretary Rat Horton has
asked the Stateless System of
Tired Education for permission to
arm campus security officers with
rapid-fire machine guns to deter
students from selling and using
cocaine Story not on Page 1.
Kick the habit An Oregon Health
Sciences University study has
linked hacky sack with sloth, som
nambulism, maiodorousness and
unemployment Story not on Page
5
Don’t jump Unemployed University
professors can find jobs in the
private sector with the help of the
state Displaced Professors
Referral Service Story not on Page
3
Foul Play A series of previously
believed unrelated squirrel deaths
has spurred a city-wide investiga
tion of health food stores that move
a high volume of nuts Story not on
Page 1.
The Pack is back To dissuade
University journalism Prof Roy
Halverson, a 1957 Wisconsin
graduate, from accepting a visiting
professorship at the University of
Alaska next year, the University is
negotiating purchase of the Green
Bay Packers to replace the Fight
ing Ducks Story not on Page 5
Indifference The FBI has an
nounced plans to recruit homo
sexuals at the University law
school Story not on page 1
Museum baits hook Floundering
University art museum attendance
and declining revenues have
forced director Richard Maudlin to
auction the museum's prized
Chinese Koi fish Bidding starts at
$1 97 a pound Story not on Page
8
Buy a burger - get a check Slump
ing food sales have prompted the
EMU food service to offer cash
rebates on all purchases made
from the deli, Skylight and Foun
tain Court Cafe Purchases made
from vending machines are not
included in the offer Story not on
page 3
ALSO NOT IN THIS ISSUE
Births
Bounced Checks
Crossword
Dear Abtoy
Dead and Dying
Divorces
Engagements
Fashion
Gardening
Horoscope
Marriages
Nature
Peanuts
Separations
Strategic Metals
Terrorism_
Travel
V
Spring term cancelled
University Pres Paul Hohum an
nounced the cancellation of spring term
at a hastily-called press conference late
last night after the Legislature — meeting
in secret session to balance an an
ticipated $3 billion state deficit — slashed
the University budget by $2.39.
"This is it I am forced to declare
financial exigency," Hohum said “There
is simply no fat left to cut. This is devas
tating ’’
Hohum, who called the cut "devastat
ing” 45 times during the 30-minute press
conference, also said, “I would resign as
University president if I was forced to
resign ”
But the exhausted executive bareiy
veiled his glee over the new 12-week
spring vacation. "Frankly I am looking
forward to the time off.”
Hohum said he would take a 10-week
vacation in Racine, Wise., where former
University Pres Nullen Voyd heads the
Johnson Foundation.
But Hohum denied rumours that he
and all 900 faculty members would join
Voyd at the Johnson Foundation for 10
times their current salaries. He said it
was a "coincidence" that Voyd visited
him 6 times last week and he (Hohum)
and the entire faculty plan to vacation in
Racine.
Whetherornotsbe — who refused the
chancellor job last month after bored
members refused to pay him $1 million a
year for the privilege of his presence —
said he is reapplying after negotiations
fell through with the bored’s last choice,
Mexico's Generalissimo Francisco
"Bud" Davis, who was Captured last
week in a border war with Guatemala.
“I had fun telling the state bored to
take a leap last time," Whetherornotsbe
said. “I think I'll do it again."
Whetherornotsbe also suggested cut
ting English, languages and "other
unresponsive” areas from the University
curriculum to allow more room for high
tech and business courses. "That's
where the future of higher educaiton is.
Shakespeare is irrelevant to the chang
ing needs of education."
New Lord Chancellor candidate
Geoerge Whetherornotsbe, said he sees
the cut as an opportunity to make the
system more responsive to public needs.
"Does the public really need three
terms? Apparently not.”
Prof holds child hostage
By Facal T. Furlow
Not of ttw Emerald
A University professor, despondent
over recently announced faculty salary
cuts, held his first-born son at gunpoint
for several hours early Wednesday
morning until Eugene police convinced
him to surrender
Happy E. Ton, 42, head of the Univer
sity government paperwork bureau, held
his son, Theodore, 12, hostage in the
graciously accommodated den of a
quarter-million dollar, turn-of-the-cen
tury manor, demanding that University
Pres Paul Hohum return faculty salaries
to their 1981-82 level
Ton is being held at a Lane County
corrections facility without bail
A Special Weapons and Tactics team
from the Eugene police department
stormed the College Hill home at 3 a m
Wednesday — more than five hours past
the hostage's bedtime — after Ton
repeatedly refused to release his son
until Hohum met his demands
"Daddy told me he was taking me to
his den to tell me a bedtime story," said
the young Ton, 12, known to his friends
and family only as the Beav.' “But then
he pulls this piece out of his blazer
pocket and tells me not to try anything."
Tew Ton, Happy’s wife, wearing a
pale-blue Nipon evening gown of flowing
silk and matching white slippers by Anne
Klein, told detectives at the scene that
her husband hadn't been himself lately.
"He (Happy) said we had to stop
sending Theodore - he's 12 now - to his
riding lessons He even suggested send
ing him to work during the summer so he
could help pay for his tuition at Deer
field," Mrs Ton told reporters gathered
at the palatial Ton home. "I thought he
was kidding - but then again, most of his
jokes go right over my head."
As a Ton domestic servant, who asked
to be identified only as “Watson,” served
Tatinger champagne and escargot to
officials after the drama had ended, Mrs.
Ton pleaded for the immediate release of
her husband.
"He's been terribly worried about our
finances lately,” she explained.
“He's talked about renting our guest
cottage to students, not traveling to St.
Thomas after spring term finals, and
Not an Emerald photo
Happy e. Ton, holding pistol, and his
son, Theodora, 12.
even cancelling my charge account at
Saks."
University Pres. Hohum announced at
a March faculty senate meeting that all
full- and part-time University professors
would have to accept a 20 percent salary
reduction, or the school would have to
close its doors.
Contacted at his home Wednesday
morning shortly after Ton was ap
prehended, Hohum told reporters that
the disturbed professor's behavior was
"a typical example of an ingrateful state
employee who was damn lucky to have a
job at all.”
During Ton’s arrest, police discovered
an undetermined amount of 10-milligram
Ativan and Valium tablets hidden under
Godiva Chocolates in a Steuban crystal
candy dish on the Ton's laboriously
carved Baroque period-piece coffee
table.
When Mrs. Ton could not produce a
prescription for the drugs, police confis
cated the pills and took her into custody.
She is being held on $10,000 bail.
Since Theodore, 12, was unable to
drive the family's Corniche to the cor
rections facility and pay the bail - which
he said he could withdraw immediately
from his portfolio after a call to his
broker, Sol, at Schapiro and Co., Inc., in
Manhattan - authorities contacted Happy
and Tew Ton's daughter Tippy at Finch
College.
Undisguisedly disappointed that she
would have to cancel her appearance at
a sophomore class ski trip to Mt. Snow,
N.H., on Friday, Miss Ton said she would
leave the New York finishing school
immediately for the West Coast to free
her imprisoned mother.
"I can't believe Daddy would pull a gun
on the Beav," Miss Ton said. "What I
can't handle is that she was stupid
enough to leave the pills out where the
cops would have to trip over them.
"I mean really. For sure.”
Authorities anticipate her arrival, in
what Miss Ton described only as a "bit
chin’ red Ferrari,” sometime later this
week.
Chancellor search re-opened
The Stateless Bored of Tired Educa
tion announced Wednesday that it is
re-opening the search for candidates for
Lord High Chancellor.
The announcement came shortly after
negotiations fell through with the bored's
last choice, Mexico’s Generalissimo
Francisco “Bud” Davis, who was cap
tured last week in a border war with
Guatemala.
Not the Emerald has ascertained the
names of the four leading candidates.
They are: retired Army Gen. D.E.
Bauche, the candidate from the rightist j
Moral-Military Party; unemployed ■
Springfield carpenter Ohm Ontherange
from the Samurai Organo-Buddhist
Coalition; Mother Superior Faith Adorya,
candidate from the radical Books, Bed
and Board Party.
The fourth candidate and apparent
frontrunner is Don Angelico Frangelico
Brutisti, former commissar of education
and public safety in Chicago under the
long-time regime of the late Harvard
educated Mayor Richard Yalie.
Brutisti, contacted at his Miami-area
home, said he was "very intrested (sic)"
Continued on Pago 3