emerald
platform
News that’s fit?
Sure this newspaper game gets to me, especially
when I get hate mail from the outraged, the envious, and the
just plain stupid Granted, in the haste of a daily deadline the
editorials and columns aren’t always as well written as I
would prefer. If journalism abides the axiom ‘literature in a
hurry" then, deadline editorials are occasionally opinions
shot from the hip
cort fernald
sidelong glances
Don’t tell anybody, but sometimes I shoot wide of the
mark Those editorials are distressing to see when the
shouting is forgotten and the haste to dummy the page and
make it to class on time — if only now and again — is
yesterday’s headache
I usually hide out in the library when an editorial just
didn’t turn out quite right. I read Punch, the English humor
magazine, and find solace for the misplaced modifiers,
editing oversights and nasty letters from journalism and
pre-journalism students (very cool people) My favorite is the
Country Life section of Punch wherein they print honest-to
Allan news items.
The woman who can come up with the most rat tails
will be crowned honorary queen of a southern Philip
pine province The queen will win a power tiller, a
knapsack sprayer, pesticides, fertilisers and seeds,
according the the official Philippine News Agency Rats
are killed and their tails dried to serve as votes Dried rat
tails are also used as tickets for benefit dances. (The
Gulf Mirror)
I don’t think the above will replace Beerhunter as a
campus sport — though, it's certainly more humane than
bunny-bashing.
A Zambian security guard has been sentenced to
six months’ hard labour for eating a pet monkey
belonging to a European whose house he was guard
ing The accused. John Mwamba (27), told the court it
“was a chance that comes once in a lifetime" for a
Bemba man. He added that the little perisher was very
tasty (To the Point)
Some of the items in Country Life are nearly unintel
ligible to American readers because of the urn lan
guage barrier
British Rail's inter-city catering development officer
said: “there will be no overnight changes It will be a
gradual process, but restaurant cars are not sacred
cows, and as demand falls away, they will be withdrawn
We believe there is no point in flogging dead horses."
(Yorkshire Post)
I know how to flog a dead horse — but what is
"skylarking”?
We reported last week that Exeter Ladies Football
team has been banned from competitions at Pontin’s
holiday camps following skylarking in the showers. We
are asked to point out that in fact the skylarking took
place in a chalet. (Exeter Weekly News)
And lest you think only the English are daffy
McCuin, the only sister to testify, said they had
fasted for three days on coffee and tea when they began
to feel “maggots" on their skin. After smearing on the
mustard, relish and mayonnaise for relief. McCuin
testified, the house became unbearably hot and they
dashed outside thinking “judgement day was at hand."
(Detroit Free Press)
This last item is of some comfort as I write editorials
about viciously controversial subjects such as cheese
Studies involving Mongolian gerbils suggest that
we may have chemicals in our saliva which are attrac
tive to other people (General Practitioner)
“Barkeep — a draught for me and a Bloody Mary for my
friend the gerbil.”
Cort Femald is the Emerald's editorial page editor.
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letters
Draft advice
I didn't know what advice to
give my 20-year-old cousin
about the draft registration, so I
called my good friend Herman
Tell him not to worry. Her
man assured me T have a plan
that will take care of it all
"What is it7" I asked
"We ll draft the elderly he
said
"Oh?"
Yes By manning our Armed
Forces with people over age 65
we ll save our young and
provide for our senior Amer
icans '
"That’s ingenious," I said
"But what about their health?"
"Nothing could be better for
the aged than the military,"
Herman said They'll get warm
clothes, three meals a day and
plenty of exercise "
"And what of the risks
involved?" I asked
"Look at it this way,” he said
"They could be having the time
of their lives driving M-1 tanks
instead of withering away in
nursing homes playing shuf
fleboard "
“I suppose, but modern mili
tary technology is awsome," I
said. "It could overwhelm
them "
"Not so," Herman said "Most
of the time they'll just look at a
screen and let a computer do all
the work It wouldn’t be any
different for them than watching
"Bowling for Dollars "
"But," I thought aloud
"Wouldn’t World War II veterans
feel cheated having to serve
twice?”
"That's just the point," Her
man said. World War II vets
would be our first choice After
all, those good ol' boys won that
one, didn’t they?"
"Thanks," Herman said
And what's more, with all the
elderly in the military, we can
finally eliminate Social Security
and Medicare which have been
forever siphoning away valua
ble defense dollars "
Pete Kent
Graduate, journalism
Antagonism
I'd like to offer some advice
for Sociology professor Al
Szymanski so the next time he
condemns those opposed to
Soviet colonialism he won't
receive so much antagonism
Though you have a case of
hero worship for Joe Stalin you
shouldn’t let it show during so
called panel discussions After
all, many people, including his
own daughter, saw Stalin as a
bloody barbarian But so what if
he killed more people than
Hitler? If you say he got things
done more efficiently, I’ll take
your word that he wasn't such a
bad guy
The next panel discussion
you hold shouldn't allow any
audience questions or com
ments No discussion at all is
better than avoiding every sin
gle important question students
bring up By avoiding them with
10 minute orations consisting
solely of empty rhetoric — as
was done Jan, 13 in the Polish
Crisis discussion — you gave
everyone the impression you
don’t want to answer anything
which might make the Soviets
look bad
People tend to like the Polish
freedom movement. You
shouldn't have let them know
you opposed Solidarity You
certainly shouldn't have glor
ified Soviet efforts to keep these
people in line
Better yet, to really promote
the cause of Soviet expansion
ism why don't you quit your high
paying teaching position and
move to the Soviet Union"7 You
could provide the Soviet ci
tizens a perfect example of
devotion towards the cause
They especially need your help
since many Russians are ac
tually adopting anti-revolution
ary tendencies Really' Many
are secretly being baptized
Christians, asking tor more
freedom and listening to Radio
Free Europe instead of reading
Marx
Michael Cross
Junior, political science
Drifting
This is in response to Drift
ing'' Jan 22 Emerald regarding
the problem” of transients
The article begins with a typical
scene in which two women are
approached by a beggar The
man asks for nineteen cents for
a cup of coffee As usual, he is
ignored and looked down upon
The article goes on to present
an on-going transient prob
lem According to Sgt Don
Ellingson of the city's PIG'
Team, these transients cause
problems for the police and ci
tizens alike They tend to com
mit violent acts within their own
group,'' drink in unlicensed
premises, urinate in public, and
"make a skid row of the parks "
On top of that, each arrest costs
taxpayers about $46
Sgt Don Ellingson and we
should open our eyes, not to
mention our hearts, to the real
problem " In the article, these
people are referred to as beg
gars, transients, wanderers, and
hoboes Not once are they
referred to as people Nor are
they referred to as people in our
community
Mary Barnaby