Oregon daily emerald., April 01, 1981, Section B, Page 8, Image 8

I ask the sexpistol
This column is usually written
by Premature Parenthood, 121
E. 62nd Ave., phone 345-8900.
But this week the sexpistol is
sick, and University vice pres
ident Ray Halk has agreed to
hand out advice to sexually
frustrated students stupid
enough to write in.
I'm a single junior. And
though I'm 20, I can't seem to
achieve orgasm through mas
turbation. Try and try as I might,
I am unable to climax. And
believe me, I try. I have no
problem reaching orgasm with
my boyfriend, however. Do you
think there is something wrong
with me?
Yes! You are in dire need of
assistance! I suggest you run,
not walk, to your clergyman and
ask him to pray with you. Young
lady, chastity is the most prized
object you can own. Do you
think any self-respecting man
will marry a girl who is not a
virgin? And I am surprised at
you. What kind of woman are
you? Doing THAT! If you were
my daughter, you’d get a
regular whipping!
Can a man give another man
gonorrhea through oral sex,
like, I mean, if they're
homosexuals?
How would I know? You think
I’m a pervert?
What are blue balls? And how
does a guy get them?
They are most often used for
playing racquetball, but are also
used for handball. They come in
an airtight canister, and are ex
tremely squishy. I’ve found the
“SOME PEOPLE SAY INDICT BEER
IS LESS FILLING.
OTHERS SAY IT TASTES GREAT.
I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.”
Dick Wormy, Famous Welfare Abuser
1981 Filler Brewing Co Humboldt County. CA
of hops, barley,
rnia herbs.
EVERYTHING
The secret is ou
and special
best place to get them is in the
P.E. department when no one is
looking. If you can afford to buy
some, you can find them at al
most any sporting goods store.
They’re probably cheaper at Bi
Mart.
I'm having a problem with my
husband. He can only reach
sexual satisfaction if I tie him to
the bed with coat hangers, rub
his body with insecticide, beat
him with a rubber hose, stuff his
mouth and other orifices with
dirty sweat socks, and let our St.
Bernard urinate on his body.
Then he has me lick him clean.
Do you think this is abnormal
sexual behavior?
No, not really.
I never thought I'd be writing
to the sexpistol — at least not
until I met Roxanne. I think I now
have a tale worthy of sharing
with your readers.
I'm a University geology
student doing field work near
Mount St. Helens. We were do
ing some rather mundane
geologic experiments, and
thinking about that evening
when we’d get to go into town
and mix it up with some of the
University of Washington coeds
who also were here in the red
zone doing geology work.
Well, we were washing down
some jo-jos with some brews
when into the bar walks the
most beautiful woman I ever laid
eyes on. She had formations
that would rival my other love —
St. Helens. Well, she sat beside
me, and I bought her a beer. It
wasn’t long until we were in my
jeep cruising up the road to a
favorite little place of mine near
the volcano.
Well, I carefully laid out a
blanket and began looking at
her mountains. She commented
on my stalagmite. Soon we were
probing each other's crevices
with whatever devices we could.
I was measuring the heat of her
magma with my probe. It wasn't
long before I felt my lava begin
ning to flow, and I erupted
fireworks in the sky.
Then Roxanne said she felt
the earth move. I screamed. The
earth moved again, and I sud
denly realized the volcano was
exploding. Needless to say, we
retired to a safer location and
continued our explosive rela
tionship. What a blast!
Oh, dear.
Legislator
tells paper
to fuck off
SALEM — State Rep. Max Li
chen, l-Nowhere, berated the
Immorald on the floor of the
Legislature Tuesday, taking is
sue with columnist Greg Flot
sam’s choice of language in a
recent article.
"I think it is piss-poor that
bastards like Flotsam who have
their heads up their asses can
write such bullshit like that,”
Lichen said. “Give me a fucking
break!"
Flotsam, in his "An Opium
Den of One" column, had used
the words “geez-Louise” and
"gosh-darn" in asking for
legalization of home-manufac
tured heroin/- -, * r , ,<■,