spurts
OSU chokes again in NCAA regionals
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccccccccu
Horton dumps team
on Oakland Raiders
By GROATY FURRY
Of the Immorald
Citing a desire to “clean up
the University,” newly selected
University Pres. Pat Horton has
sold the Oregon football team to
the Oakland Raiders.
“With misfits like John Ma
tuszak and Ted Hendricks
stomping around the Coliseum,
I figure the Raiders wouldn't
notice another 95 losers,”
Horton said after announcing
the sale Tuesday evening.
Horton bartered away the
team — except for coach Rich
Brooks, whom he plans to shoot
personally — to the NFL cham
pions for $1.98 and 100 pounds
of paint chips from the Golden
Gate Bridge
Horton said the chips will be
mounted in myrtlewood and
sold at the Saturday Market
Proceeds from the sale will be
used to bail out the University
athletic department, which is $3
trillion in debt.
Raiders’ owner Al Davis, con
tacted at his grass farm in Big
Sur, said the deal was “ben
eficial for both sides Besides, I
can’t wait to see Rozelle’s face
when he hears I've imported a
whole new shitload of ‘criminal
elements.’ ”
Former Oakland coach John
Madden wasn’t sure what to
think of the deal.
“Oh sure, you could get ex
cited about something like
this,” Madden muttered as he
clutched an Indict beer at Lefty
O’Doul’s, “but I’ve learned to
relax. Now, I’ve seen misfits
come and go, and you can
choose any one of the them But
for my money, Horton’s got the
best group of goofoffs in the
country! Of COURSE you could
go to UCLA! SURE you could go
to USC!! Even Kush at ASU!!
BUT I DON’T CARE WHAT
ANYONE ELSE SAYS!!
OREGON IS THE WORST!!!"
6
Marathon
short-cut
NEW YORK — New York Marathon winner Alberto Salazar was
greeted by fans and photographers as he emerged from a New York
City taxi cab. Salazar, who shared the cab with women's victor
Rosie Ruiz, said he was pleased with his victory.
"You know how hard it is to catch a cab during rush hour,”
Salazar said as he sprayed water on his face and shirt. "It’s
extremely difficult. Worse than getting a seat for an OSU basketball
game."
Coming soon in the Immorald Classifieds!
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Immorald classifieds bring results
• • •
maybe
Sane won’t
quit AD for
Soviet job
Former University Athletic
Dictator Ahmin Sane an
nounced he has rejected an
offer to coach the Soviet
Union’s women’s basketball
team and threatened to spend
another year at the University at
a press conference held Tues
day afternoon.
“The Soviets are a nice bunch
of guys — they believe in win
ning and their girls can really do
it on the floor,’’ Sane said. "But I
have too much of an axe to
grind here to consider leaving "
Late last week, the Asphyx
iated Press reported that the
Soviet newspaper Prodya had
reported that Soviet Premier
Alexei Kosygin, whom American
Kremlinologists had long
considered dead, or at least
boring, had offered the
women’s basketball coaching
job to Sane.
Regarding the coup d’etat
during spring break that was
believed to have meant the end
of Sane at the AD, he said, "You
can’t get rid of me that easily.
I’ve been around football all my
life.”
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