Cord-ially yours, E.J.
Police are investigating reports that the tree
that crushed law school dean Derrick Bell's car
last night was taken from a nearby Errant Jones
lumberyard.
Jones earlier threatened to clear-cut the
University grounds if the University's Environ
mental Law Clinic continued to oppose his efforts
to have a radioactive lumber waste facility built in
the West University Neighborhood.
Contacted by the Immorald, Jones said,
"Give me a fucking break."
Immorald photo
IFC funds new campus prostitutes union
By TALL PELLETS
Ol the Immorald
University students will have in-house
prostitutes for the first time next year, the
Incredible Fools Committee decided
Tuesday night.
Committee members voted 5-1 to give
the new Prostitutes Union $25,890 for the
1981-82 year. Susan Harrass abstained
from the vote when she ran screaming
from the room.
Although Muley Trail, the lone dis
senting member, questioned the appro
priation on moral grounds, other com
mittee members seemed more interested
in the whores' practical value to lonely
students.
“This makes me want to stay in law
school another year,” said IFC chairer
Yawn Needstotalk, licking the hair from
his palms. “I just hope my wife doesn’t
find out.”
A PU spokeswoman, who would iden
tify herself only as the “Sappy Hooker,”
defended the group as a cultural en
deavor. She said the union would raise
most of its own funds, becoming less of a
drain on incidental fee funds as it
develops.
She also asked for EMU office space.
Committee member Bitchard Bombast
suggested that enough “office space"
could be made available by converting
the Immorald suite into a brothel, but
committee members who have continu
ing political ambitions rejected the no
tion.
In other business, committee members
stuck their tongues out to the Rendering
Education Substantially Trivial program.
Representatives of REST, which has
been holding organizational meetings
once a week for the past ten years with
out getting anything started, said the
program needs the money in order to
continue getting meaningless, "REST
ful” credits for students.
“Students need some nonsensical
credits in order to survive,” the repre
sentatives said. “Give them a fucking
break.”
However, the committee said the
group would duplicate the services of
several other campus groups and denied
the request.
The REST representatives promised to
come back next year with an offer of
meaningless credits for committee
members.
Childcare center bans leg-hold traps
By ANN SINKHOLE
Of th* Immorald
Charging the EMU childcare
coordinator with using ‘‘barbar
ic, inhumane methods of disci
pline,” the 11-member Parent
Advisory Committee voted
Friday to ban leg-hold traps
from both the EMU Childcare
Center and Child Care and
Development Center.
“This was an issue we could
really sink our teeth into,” said
parent Lila Brown. ‘‘They’re
maiming our cute, cuddly little
r
kids."
Yawn Needstotalk, the
student-government represen
tative on the advisory commit
tee, said he has studied the
problem carefully and can fully
understand the position of the
parents.
"There's no doubt in my mind
that I understand what the par
ents said," Needstotalk said.
Childcare coordinator Ricky
Kitty denied the parents’ allega
tions.
"There is no mistreatment of
children at either of my
"Everything from Cheerios to high interest rates is a
communist plot," Joe Vinist, of the Reactionary Capitalist
Youth Brigade, shouted as he burned a copy of the Revolu
tionary Communist Party’s "Revolutionary Worker” new
spaper on the EMU Terrace Tuesday afternoon. Vinist said the
burning was a protest of the arrest of him and three other
RCYB members on arson charges stemming from an alleged
attempt to bum a sociology professor in the EMU Ballroom
during a radical teach-in.
centers," she said. "The traps
are checked every hour.”
Arguing to retain the traps,
Kitty cited statistics showing
that 97 percent of the children
caught by the traps suffered no
permanent disability.
Kitty said the traps were
adopted after a lengthy study by
her staff revealed that traps are
the most cost-effective, pro
gressive method of childcare
available.
"Drugs are far too expensive,
and produce side-effects that
last after the children go home,”
she said. "The parents com
plain.”
Needstotalk said the staff's
study does indeed indicate the
viability of using leg-hold traps.
‘‘I sincerely believe that’s
what the study does show,” he
said.
Presenting the request to the
EMU Board, Brown requested
the ban take effect some time
during spring term.
During discussion of the
request, EMU Board member
Job Hoots rapped the table and
asked, “What's all this I hear
about lego blocks?” Informed
that the discussion centered
Satire writers give up,
refuse to fill this space
Immorald writers gave up
Tuesday night, deciding there is
“no way in hell" they can fill this
four-inch hole with something
funny.
“I’m burned out,” said as
sociate editor Tall Pellets. “I’ve
spent three days in a row editing
this rag, and I've wrung my mind
of wit."
Coordinator Mike Leech ad
mitted that using this story was
“a cop-out,” but said "Give me
a fucking break" just to get in
one more dig at legislator Max
Lichen.
The other associate editor, Mi
Krust, was in Coos Bay and un
available for comment.
...atut to t6iH& cue met
OK €Ut (*
t6t 'Imttt&itUaC
abound leg-hold traps, not lego
blocks, Hoots said, “Oh. I’m
sorry. Never mind."
The board postponed a deci
sion on the issue, directing the
parents to suggest an alterna
tive form of control.
"We don’t want to make any
snap judgments on such a
touchy issue,” said board
chairer Greg Rutting.
Commending the board for
postponing the decision, Need
stotalk said deciding to post
pone the decision was probably
a good decision.
"I will certainly abide by the
EMU Board’s decision, because
I just voted for it,” he said.
KINKY’S
$4
Self Service4*
COPULATES
• Furry animals
• Brass doorknobs
• Football players
345-8996 96 N. 96th
r
A
Spring GeekARush
Begins Friday —
Bring your chickens!
Sponsored by the
Interred Fraternity Council
II you can read this you're too close